Infestus dark love
by SuddenlySandi
Summary: Bella is a therapist with a dark secret. Edward needs someone to help him remember his past. Together they are a dangerous combination. All human
1. Chapter 1 thru 3

**Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight Characters.**

**1**

I walked into my office to find my secretary waiting anxiously. She jumped up and motioned toward my office door, which remained closed. She moved closer and whispered so nobody else would be able to hear her words. I had only been here a few seconds and I was already confused.

"A Dr. Cullen is waiting in your office," Angela said softly.

"For what?" I asked, keeping my voice down for no apparent reason.

She shrugged and returned to her desk. I rolled my eyes at her ceremoniously and walked over to the door to enter my office. I saw a handsome man sitting in a chair in front of my desk. He rose quickly and extended his hand for mine.

"Hello Dr. Swan, I hope you don't mind the intrusion but I had to speak to you."

I set my briefcase next to the desk and motioned for him to sit again. He was a bit nervous and I kept trying to place the name Cullen, but nothing was familiar.

"I've read all your research," he began. "I'm a surgeon in Seattle and I need your help."

My father lived in Washington but I didn't know any of the physician's from Seattle. My work was research only and I rarely talked to practicing doctors.

"Help with what?" I asked.

"I need you to work with my son," he said quickly.

"Oh, I don't…."

"I know you don't take on patients, but you are the only one who can help him. Please just do an assessment of him, please."

He handed me a folder and I opened it to see the picture of a handsome young man with green eyes and a wide smile. He looked healthy and happy. I glanced at the doctor and saw the sadness in his eyes and the hope welling up in his heart. I turned the page and saw a ghost of the man on the other page. He was too thin and his face lacked any expression. He looked almost comatose but had his eyes open.

"What happened?" I asked, as I skimmed his medical report.

"We don't know. He went missing six years ago and showed up one morning in our driveway. He doesn't speak or respond in anyway."

I set the folder down and sighed loudly. "You think he was abducted by aliens?" I asked angrily. My research had been dealing with the psychosis of alien abductions. Too many people viewed it as my agreement the problem existed, when I was actually trying to show it was simply a mental illness.

"Dr. Swan, I have no idea what to think, but something happened to my son and I want to find out what it was."

"I can tell you right now. He took too many drugs and it scared someone into returning him home."

"There was nothing in his system or in his hair follicles," Dr. Cullen pointed out. "His bank account was never used the entire time he was gone. He graduated from Northwestern and was accepted to law school before he vanished."

"Any drama with a girl?" I asked, thinking he was running from something.

"He was dating a family friend. They were planning a future together," he said sadly.

"Where's the girl now?" I asked.

"Married."

I took a deep breath and looked out my window toward the San Francisco bay. I felt like I was being pulled into something I should run from, but the look in Dr. Cullen's eyes interfered with my natural desire to refuse.

I got up and moved to the center of the room so I could pace. I was thinking about my schedule and when I could take some time when Dr. Cullen interrupted me. "I have a private plane; we could leave as soon as you're ready."

I stopped short and let my mouth fall open. "You expect me to go right now?"

"This is urgent, Dr. Swan. I'm trying to save my son," he said emphatically.

"I would need to pack a bag," I said, realizing it sounded as if I was agreeing to go with him.

He shook his head in response and added, "I'll buy you whatever you need. I want you to come with me now."

I automatically took a step toward the door and said with a hint of fear, "May I see some identification."

He pulled out his wallet and held up his license. He also held up a card from my mentor, Dr. Newton. "He sent me to see you. He thinks you can help my Edward."

Mike would only send someone he thought highly of and knew I would do anything if his name was attached to it. I nodded and picked up my briefcase ready to follow this stranger anywhere. When we exited my office I told Angela to cancel all my appointments for the week. She looked stunned but relaxed when I told her I would check in later in the day.

I was taken to a small private jet and flown to Seattle. Dr. Cullen didn't talk much on the way and I didn't press him for answers. I wanted to make an assessment of Edward without bias from his father. We drove to a large private estate and I entered the house and was greeted by a kind, beautiful woman.

"Welcome to our home, Dr. Swan. I'm Esme Cullen." I only nodded and then followed Dr. Cullen up a large staircase to a room at the end of a hallway. He reached above the door and pulled down a key. I touched his arm to stop him and asked, "Why is the door locked?"

"We're not sure what to expect from Edward. It is for his safety as well as ours," he answered.

I set my case down and straightened my skirt as the door opened. I saw the man sitting on a bed on the far side of the room. He was looking out a window and didn't react to our intrusion at all. Dr. Cullen walked over to touch his shoulder and said, "Son, you have a visitor."

Edward remained perfectly frozen so I walked in front of him to see if he would look at me. He only stared like he had been. I reached out and took hold of his chin to angle his face up to mine, but his stare was blank and not registering any recognition. "What medications have you tried?" I asked.

"None," Carlisle said to shock me.

I dropped Edward's chin and looked at his father for an explanation. "We want to know what we're dealing with before we add anything into the mix."

"I think it is rather clear what you're dealing with," I said haughtily. "The man is having a psychotic episode and needs antipsychotic medication."

"You've seen him for one minute and you're ready to make a diagnosis?" he challenged me.

"Is there any more to see?" I asked with a loud voice. "Staring is staring, what more is there?"

He angrily pushed me out of the way and said, "Edward, lift your hand."

His son remained still until Carlisle began to lift his own hand. Edward mirrored him and stopped when Carlisle stopped. He turned to look at me as if to gloat but I still wasn't sure what he meant. So his son mimicked his action, so what?

He pointed at the deep cuts on Edward's forearm and I cringed at the sight of the wounds. "He cuts?" I asked.

"Only if you instruct him to do it," Carlisle said softly.

I looked at his face again and stepped closer to speak forcefully. "Edward, stand up," I said and he stood without hesitation. "Sit back down again," I said softly, but he remained standing. "I said sit," I yelled and Edward quickly sat.

I glanced at Dr. Cullen's hopeful face and asked him to leave the room. I wanted to asses Edward by myself. He walked out hesitantly and shut the door. Edward didn't move or seem aware of me in any way. I pulled a chair up to sit directly in front of him and watched him for several moments. I finally said, "Edward, can you smile for me?"

He never blinked or responded so I spoke with an angry voice and said, "Smile damn it."

His mouth pulled into a slight grin and then slowly faded back to the lifeless mask. Someone had been dominating him and his survival instincts made him responsive without thinking about it. I picked up his hand and brought it to my mouth to kiss his fingers lightly, he didn't respond. I then bit down forcefully on one and his eyes brightened and he turned to look at me.

"I'm not one of them," I said with a gruff tone. "I'm not here to hurt you."

I was absolutely stunned when his eyes filled with tears and turned back to stare at the window. I put the chair back to its place and left the room to see Dr. and Mrs. Cullen. They were waiting in the family room and I sat across from them.

"Your son has been abused, severely. We won't find out why until we pull him back into reality. It won't happen until he feels safe enough to acknowledge his memories."

"How do we do that?" Esme asked.

"Very slowly. The slightest wrong move would set him back. Are you two his only family members?" I asked.

"No, he has a brother and a sister," she told me.

"They need to be here. You need to orientate him into the family as much as possible. I'm not sure about the ex, we'll wait on her appearance," I decided.

They both nodded and Carlisle left to make some phone calls as Esme served me a salad and some tea. We chatted and I found out the family had moved from Chicago, Edward never actually lived in this house so I told her to make everything as familiar as possible. He needed pictures and mementos of his past.

I had agreed to stay two days and welcomed the sight of jeans Esme left in my room. I changed and looked out the window at the large grounds leading into the forest. I felt right at home in this environment. After Carlisle and Esme filled Edward's room with pictures I went in to see him again. He was still sitting on the bed so I took his arm and barked, "Stand."

He stood on command and I pulled him forward to the wall with childhood pictures. "Look at them," I instructed forcefully.

His eyes moved to the wall and took a moment to look at each picture. I spoke softly and said, "You're still in there but too afraid to come out. It's okay for now," I said and rubbed his arm gently.

I left him alone and sat again with Esme and Carlisle. "Emmett is coming as soon as possible. Alice will be here tonight."

"How do you feed him?" I asked.

"We set a tray in the room. He eats it eventually, but we never see him eat it," Esme informed me.

I nodded and said, "He is to eat at the table from now on, during regular family hours, no special treatment. What about grooming?"

"Carlisle showers him and I shave his face and comb his hair."

"Okay, I need to see the nighttime routine. I won't interfere or speak, just do what you normally do," I instructed.

"I would normally take a tray to him about now," Esme said cautiously.

"I'll bring him to the table," I said, and stood to head up to his room.

Esme left the room and I turned to Carlisle. "This has nothing to do with aliens," I said assuredly.

His face reddened a bit and he nodded. "I know," he said and quickly left the room.

I felt my hands turn numb and I swallowed deeply. I wasn't sure what Carlisle was saying but it made me nervous that he possibly knew more about me than he let on. I quickly climbed the stairs and went into Edward's room.

I stood in front of his dead gaze and said kindly, "We are going down to dinner, Edward." He never moved so I said with venom, "Move your ass."

He stood and walked like a zombie toward the door.

2

I led Edward to the dinner table and sat him next to me on the end. I watched his eyes closely and didn't see anything that made me think he was paying attention. I picked up his fork and held it out for him to take. He didn't move until I picked up my own fork, then he reached out and took his.

"Shit," I mumbled under my breath. If someone had used him as a sub they took things too far. I had no idea how I was going to explain my theory to the two parents watching my every move.

"Edward, eat," I instructed harshly, not sure if I was really getting him to eat or angry at myself for getting involved in this situation.

He looked at his plate and began eating. The Cullens were watching with fascination and looking at me like I was the answer to their problems. I didn't have the heart to tell them it couldn't be me.

"Just carry on normally," I told them, so Esme began talking about her day. She was an interior designer working on an office suite for a major CEO. I tried to appear completely fascinated by her conversation, but I was watching Edward intently from the corner of my eye.

I finished eating at put my fork down, so Edward did the same. I sighed at his action and crossed my arms so Edward sat still with his head down. I tried my best to ignore him, but Esme's pain was hard to ignore. I finally brought up the subject of his ex as I tried to find who could have done this to him.

"Was Edward and his ex…adventurous?" I asked, hoping I wouldn't have to explain.

"Tanya? I guess. They liked to travel and…."

"No, it isn't what I meant. Were they into anything kinky?"

Esme looked confused and Carlisle shook his head back and forth slowly. "Nothing out of the ordinary, they were a typical couple."

"Did he cheat on her?" I asked, and his mother covered her mouth with her hand so she wouldn't say anything out of anger.

"I wouldn't know," Carlisle said, "Maybe Emmett could answer that."

"Okay, continue on with your routine and I'll watch," I said, and commanded Edward to return to his room. He followed us without raising his head and once inside the room Carlisle began to undress him. I looked at his body and saw familiar signs of a submissive lifestyle, bite marks, candle wax, and fingernail scars. He also had deep cuts showing he had been abused badly.

I followed them into the bathroom and when Carlisle removed Edward's boxers I remained in the room. It was then Edward raised his eyes and looked directly at me. I could feel my heart pounding and I buried my fingernails in the palm of my hand to stop myself from reacting. I was certain Edward noticed a change in my eyes, because I noticed the change in his.

I finally dropped my gaze and didn't look again until Carlisle was shampooing Edward's hair. I glanced over quickly to see him still staring at me, so I turned and left the room. Esme was waiting with pajamas and a comb. I sat in a chair and tried to show mild interest when Carlisle brought him into the room.

Once Edward was ready for bed Esme turned to speak to me. "We usually leave him here alone and he eventually goes to bed."

"Are you tired?" I asked him.

He didn't respond so I elevated my voice just slightly. He remained silent so I got just a bit more forceful. His head was still but his eyes moved to look at me. It was a seductive look which angered the hell out of me. I forced myself to keep my voice even and said, "Edward, are you tired?"

He only stared so I asked his parents to leave the room. Esme kissed her son and Carlisle patted him on the back, but his gaze remained locked on me. When we were finally alone I sat back and gave him my own seductive look. "I know this game," I said softly. "I'm not saying someone didn't mess you up, but don't you dare try to push me into acting. I'm in control because I'm the doctor and you're my patient. I won't blur the line."

His eyes moved back to the window and I left the room. I had no idea if he understood what I was saying, but something told me he could see what others couldn't. It terrified me and excited me at the same time.

I came down the stairs just as Alice arrived. She bounded through the back door like a Tasmanian devil. Her tiny body shocked me, looking nothing like her tall, lanky brother. I tried to introduce myself but she ran right at me and practically jumped into my arms.

"Thank you so much for helping my brother. I miss him so much and I seriously doubted he was alive after all these years, but to see him as only a ghost is so disturbing."

I couldn't get a word in edgewise as she continued to have a one way conversation. I was relieved when Esme arrived to take Alice's full attention away from me. We all settled in the living room and Alice began bombarding me with questions.

"Do you know what happened to him?"

"I have an idea," I shared, but nothing more.

"Will you be able to fix him?"

"Edward will have to fix himself and it will be a long process."

"What do you need from me?"

It was the question I was waiting to hear, since her cooperation would be vital. "I want you to remind Edward of what it was like to be children together," I began but her expression made me stop talking.

Carlisle finally explained. "Alice is Esme's daughter from a prior marriage. Emmett is my son. Edward is our child together."

It was actually a piece of the puzzle I was looking for. Edward would have been spoiled and most likely filled with guilt. It would have made him open to becoming a submissive.

"I spent summers with my father," Alice said softly, telling me she didn't have the closest relationship with Edward.

"If you had a relationship of animosity, don't change it now," I told her.

"No, I was crazy about Edward. He was just always in his own little world."

I didn't press the issue because I felt Alice would be more open if I got her alone and questioned her. I was very interested in Edward's own little world, but I wouldn't make her say anything in front of Carlisle and Esme.

I eventually headed off to bed. I found everything I needed in the guest suite so I showered and brushed my teeth. I wore my bra and underwear to bed, leaving the nightgown Esme laid out across a chair. I thought about my own childhood. I had a tough father, a police chief, but a very dependent mother. I had to be the adult and I guess it was what opened me up to be a Dom.

The first man I had a serious relationship with pressed the issue and we decided to give it a try. The further I got in school the more I realize how unhealthy it was, but passion and sex can be a very powerful force. I wasn't capable of innocent role playing or seductive spanks. I needed total domination to get turned on by a guy now. It was easier to remain celibate and concentrate on my research.

I struggled with self loathing and I wondered if it was what made Edward retreat into his mind in order to remain in his own skin.

I finally let fatigue get the better of me and I drifted off to sleep. I never heard the bedroom door open, or the slow footsteps coming to my bed. I was oblivious to anyone in the room until a hand clasped tightly around my throat.

My eyes shot open to see Edward standing over me with closed eyes. I tried my best to fight him, but my kicks and scratches had no effect on him. I finally did what I knew to do. I completely relaxed and stared up at him as he chocked the life out of me. I spoke with great difficulty and screeched. "Get your fucking hand off me."

His hold released and he let his head drop as if awaiting punishment. I was overcome by adrenalin. "Get on your knees," I yelled to him.

He quickly fell to his knees and kept his head down. I grabbed a fist full of his hair and pulled his head back forcefully. His eyes were still closed but a small smile was on his face. My hand recoiled and I scooted far from him in the bed. "Get out of here," I yelled.

His smile faded and he finally opened his eyes. He looked right at me with such contempt it angered me. I began to shake from my need to punish him. Everything in my soul screamed at me to make him pay for taking such liberties with me. Instead I pulled the image of my office into my mind to keep me grounded.

I spoke with a shaky voice but I was controlled. "Edward, you will never come into my room again. Now go back to bed."

He remained still.

"Fine, sit there all night," I said and turned over.

My heart was racing with excitement as he remained kneeling on the floor next to my bed for the remainder of the night. I knew then he had been an excellent sub, and it had cost him his mind. I also knew I was not the person to help him and I needed to make it clear to the Cullens as soon as possible.

I woke up the next morning to a loud voice ringing throughout the house. It was laughter coming from downstairs, along with a shrill scream of delight. I sat up and saw Edward still kneeling and he appeared to be sound asleep.

I groaned and then reached out to touch him. I was certain his legs were numb and I couldn't order him back to his room. He opened his eyes and I said adamantly, "Get in this bed and lie down." He moved to my order and I headed into the bathroom to get dressed. I put on the same jeans with a different t-shirt and then headed downstairs.

Alice grabbed my hand and pulled me over to meet Emmett. The man was huge, so much larger than Edward. His features were dark, unlike his father. Edward resembled Dr. Cullen much more than Emmett did.

"So you're gonna cure Eddie?" he teased.

"No, I'm not," I said with a blush. "I'm just here as a consultant."

I glanced around the room and didn't see Carlisle or Esme so I decided to question Emmett and Alice. "Can you give me some information about Edward as a teen? Was he sexually active?"

Both of them broke into laughter and Alice finally answered. "Edward wanted to be a priest. He didn't even date."

It was another piece of the puzzle I could lock into place. He was feeling guilty for the change of plans and felt his sexual peccadilloes made him evil. "Tell me about Tanya," I pushed.

"Oh, we've known them for years. It was weird when Eddie started dating her, since we thought of them as family, but they made a good couple."

"Was Tanya domineering?" I asked coyly.

This time Alice laughed alone. "If being a bitch is domineering than she was the most domineering person alive."

"So how did they make a good couple?" I asked in confusion.

The siblings looked at each other and Alice acted like she had said something she shouldn't have. Finally Emmett tried to explain. "Edward was a mamma's boy, kind of a wuss. Tanya changed that and he started acting like a man."

"Would you say she ran the relationship?"

I was certain to hear my questioned affirmed, but I was stunned when Emmett said, "No way. Edward ruled with an iron fist."

3

It didn't fit. He had all the actions of a sub but had been the dominate partner in the relationship. I was totally confused and wondered if I had gotten it all wrong. Maybe I was letting my own experiences influence my diagnosis of Edward. I decided to keep quiet and observe for the rest of the morning.

Esme came downstairs dressed for the day and said hello to Emmett. She turned to me and said, "Are you aware Edward is in your bed."

I could feel my face blush and I answered quickly. "He came into my room last night. He wouldn't leave unless I spoke harshly so I spoke softly and let him sit there all night. I put him in my bed when I was ready to come downstairs."

"I'm sorry, we should have locked his door," she said in regret.

"Has he attempted to hurt anyone in the past?" I asked, without telling her of his hand on my throat.

"He brought a lighter into our room one night. Carlisle woke up, so I'm not sure if he meant to hurt us or not."

"Mom," Alice said in shock. "You need to have him committed. He's not a child but a twenty-eight year old man."

"He's our son and I will not have him put away as if we are ashamed of him," Esme said loudly. She turned to look at me and said, "I usually take him a tray at this time."

I looked over at Emmett and wondered exactly what his relationship was like with Edward. I finally said, "Emmett, go tell Edward to come downstairs to eat. Don't yell, but let him know you mean business."

Emmett smiled and I noticed his deep dimples. He bolted from the room as if ordering Edward around was going to the highlight of his day. It made me chuckle to see two grown men acting like brothers. It reaffirmed the notion that some things never change.

Edward came walking down the stairs in front of a grinning Emmett. "Where do you want him to sit?" Emmett asked.

"He can choose where, just tell him to sit," I instructed.

Emmett nudged Edward's shoulder and said, "Sit at the table, ass face."

Edward walked to the chair next to me on the end and sat down. He stared down at the wood but his mouth twitched like he wanted to smile. I leaned over and whispered, "I'm not feeding your sorry ass, so drop the grin." Instead it grew a hint larger.

He sat all through breakfast with his plate in front of him and not attempt to eat. I refused to tell him to pick up his fork so he sat staring. When the others finished I stood and took Edward's plate and headed to the kitchen.

"He didn't eat," Esme pointed out.

"Then he'll go hungry," I replied and kept walking.

I made it to the sink and had to use both hands to steady myself. I knew it would excite Edward to go hungry, especially since he was aware I was aware of his sacrifice. It also excited me to know he would go hungry for me. I needed to get out of here as quickly as possible.

When I came back into the kitchen Esme was feeding Edward with her spoon. It almost sent me into a rage. I felt like I had been cheated on, disrespected, callously discarded. Edward glanced at me to see my reaction and I felt my hand twitching to slap him.

"I'm leaving today," I said, and headed out of the room.

Dr. Cullen jumped up and ran after me. "Dr. Swan, please. We've seen such a changed in Edward since you came. Don't give up on him."

"I don't take patients. I'm a researcher," I said in frustration.

"I'll pay whatever you want. I'll fund your next project," he offered.

I felt tears sting my eyes and I had to find some way to make him understand. "Carlisle, I can't help Edward, it can't be me."

"Why?" he asked.

"I can't explain, but if he was…damaged…by his lifestyle I can't be the one to help him," I pleaded, as tears filled my eyes.

He took hold of my arm and led me to his office. He sat next to me on a small sofa and looked into my eyes. "Tell me your theory of what happened to my son."

"I'm not sure," I stammered.

"Then tell me your educated guess," he demanded.

I hesitated and tried to find the words that would be softer, more generic, more normal, but nothing fit. I finally said, "I think Edward was a submissive in a relationship that got out of hand. I think the Dom got power hungry and Edward was determined to do anything to please her. It cost him his mind."

Carlisle stared at me like I had gone insane. He shook his head a couple of times and finally said, "Why would he walk away from his fiancé and let us look for him for six years."

I laughed incredulously and yelled, "You don't get it. He was told to leave, he was told to keep his whereabouts quiet, and he was told when to eat and when to piss. He gave up his soul for sexual pleasure. Your son is damaged and I'm not sure he'll ever recover."

I heard a slight gasp and turned to see Esme looking at me with her hand over her mouth. I hated hurting them, I hated telling them their perfect son was a sexual deviant, but I hated it even more that I liked it.

I ran from the room and headed upstairs to change back into my business suit and call a cab. I wanted far from Seattle and the memories Edward was causing to surface in me. When I stepped from the bathroom Carlisle was waiting in my room. He looked directly at me and said, "It has to be you to help him. Nobody else understands."

"I have my own recovery to consider," I said in just a hush. "I can't help him when I'm wondering just how far he is willing to go for his Dom. It intrigues me, it fascinates me, and God help me it excites me. I can't help him."

"But you can tell me how to help him. You have insight I don't have. I'll do the work, but I need you to tell me what to do for him," he begged.

I said the worst thing possible. I said, "Accept your son is gone and put him in a care facility."

Carlisle's face pulled into pure rage at the suggestion and he shook his head adamantly. I pushed past him and headed toward the stairs. Edward was standing in the hallway with a blank expression on his face and it pushed me over the edge.

I got right into his face and said, "It didn't make you perfect. It made you a fucking idiot. And if you ever lay your hand on me again I'll cut it off."

I was shaking as I made my way down the stairs and I wasn't sure I heard what I thought I heard. I glanced back to see Edward looking down at me. He had tears coming from his eyes and he spoke in a clear audible. "Help me, please."

Carlisle came into view with pleading eyes and I looked to my side to see the others staring at me with hope. I held their dreams in my hands and the truth was I wasn't sure I could help Edward or hurt him further. I was confused but also weighed down by the pressure of their expectations.

I decided to see just how strong Edward really was. I said in a gentle voice, "Go to your room." He turned immediately and walked to the door of his room without looking back. I knew in that moment Edward was capable of being the perfect submissive and I trembled at the thought.

I looked at Carlisle and said, "I'll be in touch." And then I walked out the door and got into a cab.

I wasn't naïve and I knew what it would take to help Edward. I also knew I would have to find out what happened to him and prayed it wouldn't be something I had done to one of my subs. I had always considered myself to be compassionate, but somehow the game always elevated. Sex wasn't love if your partner was a toy, no matter how much you tried to put their desires ahead of your own.

When I got back to San Francisco I went straight to Jake's house. I needed him to tell me I was okay; that what we had years ago was love. He opened the door and his eyes grew wide when he saw me. He quickly let his head drop and I burst into tears. "Don't," I demanded. "I need a friend right now."

He took my hand and pulled me into his apartment. I could tell it was hard for him to be himself around me and I realized I never gave a thought to what he did when I wasn't around. I sat on his sofa and cried into my hands.

"Bella, what's wrong?" he asked.

"I'm sorry Jake, for everything I've done to you," I sobbed.

"For loving me?" he asked, and ran his fingers through my hair.

"It wasn't love. It was sick and twisted. If I damaged you in any way I'm sorry."

He pulled me into his arms and kissed my hair gently; being the man I never allowed him to be, the man I never felt he was capable of being. He comforted me and whispered it was okay and he felt nothing but love from me. I wasn't sure I believed him, because I knew this was a side of him he hated.

"I met a sub who is really messed up. I'm not sure how to help him," I admitted.

"Who messed him up?" Jake asked.

"I don't know. He ran out on a fiancé and was gone for six years. The family did everything they could to find him. He showed up one day out of the blue."

"How do you know a Dom messed him up?" he asked.

"I've seen the scars; it is way more than play toys. He took some serious shit."

"He must have been deeply in love," Jake surmised, and I instantly pulled out of his arms.

"No Jake, it isn't love when someone hurts you." I stood and let my head fall back as I yelled at the ceiling. "God, you don't prove love just for an amazing orgasm. Sex shouldn't have power over someone."

"Bella," Jake said in disagreement, "Adults choose this way to get the most out of what they desire. It is consensual and I'm not going to apologize for my lifestyle."

"No Jake, we are screwed up. I have to dominate because I was terrified to be like my mother. I didn't want men using me and then leaving me heartbroken. You do what you're told to make others proud of you; you desire attention and confuse it for love.

"So why are you here?" he asked angrily. "To tell me you never loved me?"

"No," I cried out. "To apologize and ask you some questions. This guy was the dominate partner in his relationship with his fiancé. Why would he be a sub to someone else?"

Jake laughed like I was missing something very obvious. He finally had to spell it out for me. "He has a conservative family, right?"

I nodded.

"The girl was a childhood friend or something, right?"

Again I nodded.

Jake shook his head and said, "She was a decoy. A relationship to keep his family from knowing what he was really into and I seriously doubt they actually had sex."

My mind was spinning and I tried to think it all through. It would be easy to tell a girl who knew you well that sex would have to wait, especially if she knew you had wanted to be a priest. I was beginning to put things together but I still needed to know who took it too far.

"Okay, how did he disappear for six years?" I asked Jake.

"Seclusion, a wealthy Dom, maybe he was held prisoner…"

"Why dump him in his parents' driveway? He could have easily been killed and nobody would have known."

"You're not going to like the answer," Jake said, and his eyes moved from mine.

"What?" I pushed.

"She loved him."

Jake was right, I didn't like the answer because I refused to believe the abuse he received was love. It hurt because I didn't want to believe I could be capable of hurting someone I loved that badly. I finally asked the hard question. "Do you think I could help him?"

Jake looked at me for a minute and said, "Only if you grow to love him."


	2. Chapter 4 thru 6

4

I couldn't love Edward. It would be the end of him if I stepped in where his Dom left off. She had taken him too far and when I pushed his limits he wouldn't push back. He probably wouldn't use a safe word and I wouldn't know when to stop.

I tried my best to forget about the Cullens. I didn't return Carlisle's calls and I refused to think about Edward during the day. But he showed up every night in my dreams. He wasn't damaged there; he was loving and responsive to me as I tried my best to give him everything he needed.

I got a call one morning from a man who refused to tell me who he was. He told me he heard I was treating Edward and he wanted to know the prognosis. I was stunned and assured him I was not treating Edward and I had no idea what was wrong with him.

"Ms. Swan," the man said and I quickly corrected him. "Dr. Swan."

"Yes, Dr. Swan. I am aware of your past and I am someone you can trust."

My hands began to shake and I looked at my phone to see if it showed who I was speaking with. It was a call from out of the states and I cleared my throat so he couldn't tell how terrified I was. "I deal with research, not patient treatments. I can assure you the information you have is incorrect."

I hung up and called for Angela. She rushed into my office and when I asked if the caller had given her a name she said, "He said you were past colleagues, and that was all."

"If he calls again, don't put him through unless he gives you a name," I instructed, and Angela nodded and turned to leave. I called out for her and she looked back at me. "Do I frighten you?" I asked.

"No, I feel intimidated by you, but not frightened," she admitted.

"Why would you be intimidated by me?" I pushed.

"I don't know. You seem so in control, like you know what you want and how to get it. I guess I'm a bit jealous."

I'm sure she meant it as a compliment, but it tore at my conscience and I nodded so she would leave. I sat back in my chair and turned to look out at the bay. I felt some sort of pull toward Edward Cullen, but all my instincts told me to stay far away from him.

I had resigned myself to a life without love, hoping it would change something deeply rooted in my psyche so I could be normal. I couldn't live with myself it I went back to my old habits, but the thought of dominating Edward was growing like a cancer in my soul.

That afternoon I was reading through some data when Angela called to say a woman named Tanya was here to see me. I let her come in and was shocked by her beauty. She was tall with strawberry hair and high cheekbones. Edward was a right to use her as a cover.

She sat across from my desk and looked at me with sad eyes. "Dr. Swan, I'm here to persuade you to help Edward."

"Why don't you help him?" I said, sounding like a jealous woman.

Her lip trembled and she said, "Edward never loved me. I see that now, but I loved him very much."

"Tell me about the day before he left," I pushed, and tears filled her beautiful blue eyes.

"We had a fight. He was dragging his feet on the wedding and I accused him of cheating on me."

"Was he….cheating?"

She shook her head and said, "Edward wanted to go to some island in Brazil. I'm not sure what it was about, but I exploded in a rage. When he was missing I prayed he went there, but his passport was never used and a ticket was never purchased in his name."

"What was on the island?"I asked, curious myself.

"I don't know, we never discussed it deeply enough for me to find out. He wanted to go and that made me freak out."

"Tell me about your sex life," I said, and watched closely for her reaction.

"Like I said, I loved him very much. He was the perfect lover," she said, and then smiled softly.

I must have looked like a shocked puritan. My mouth fell open and I asked loudly, "You guys had actual sex?"

"We were engaged Dr. Swan, I'm not going to apologize for making love to my fiancé."

I had to control my emotions and quickly apologized. "I didn't mean it like that. I just thought….never mind."

I was now totally confused and thought I had been wrong again about his life as a sub. I had to admit I had no idea how to help Edward, but for some reason he responded to my demands and commands. Maybe turning him into a sub would actually help him. The thought excited me and I could feel my pulse racing.

"Please, Dr. Swan, I am begging you to help Edward. He's a kind man and he doesn't deserve to spend his life in an institution."

It wasn't Tanya's begging that changed my mind. It was the possibility Edward's life had nothing to do with a sub Dom lifestyle. I took a deep breath and finally nodded in agreement. "I'll give it a try," I conceded.

She jumped up and came around the desk to hug me tightly as she cried. I told her to give me two days to prepare and drive to Seattle. She left my office on the cell phone to the Cullens. I told Angela I would be gone for a couple of weeks and then went home to pack up my stuff. I headed north but I had a stop to make first to my mentor, Dr. Mike Newton.

Mike had introduced the lifestyle to me and trained me as a dom. He taught me to be considerate of my partners and push them slowly to heighten the experience for them. I realize now it only served to blur the lines. With proper training you could take a sub from kinky to perversions relatively easily.

I drove to Mike's office and entered unannounced. He looked up and smiled widely when he saw me in the doorway. "Bella, come in," he urged.

"Hello Mike. You've been a naughty boy," I teased, and he smiled wider.

"You'll have to be more specific," he laughed.

"You sent Dr. Cullen to see me," I explained and he nodded.

"He wanted a psychiatrist who dealt with out of the ordinary situations. You were the only one I could think of."

"You sent him because I'm a Dom and you know it," I pushed, and Mike finally nodded in agreement. "I thought his son was a sub, but I'm wrong. He was in a normal relationship when he disappeared."

"Normal," Mike repeated as if the word disgusted him.

"He responds to harsh commands though," I added.

Mike smiled again and said, "You can thank me later."

"Thank you? I want to ball slap you for getting me involved with them," I yelled. "I have no idea how to help the guy. Should I turn him into a sub so he has the appearance of normalcy or is that just more abuse to his mind?"

"Let me show you something dear," Mike said and rang a bell on his desk. A door opened from the side and a young man dressed in a harness entered the room. Mike stood and petted the man as if he were an animal. "This is Eric. He's my new toy," Mike said and ran his tongue down the length of Eric's ear. "Do you like me, Eric?" Mike asked.

"Very much," Eric said as he remained still.

"Where did I find you, precious?" Mike asked.

"At a Giants game," Eric responded.

"Who were you with?"

"My wife," he answered.

Mike grabbed him by the harness and pulled his head back as he kissed him deeply. "Go now," he commanded and Eric returned through the door he appeared from.

"You patient could have been a sub all along and he just didn't know how to find what he craved. You may not have much work to do after all," Mike smiled.

"So if she took his mind…."

"She?" Mike questioned. "Maybe it was a he."

"Whatever, if he was damaged how do I fix it?"

"You must teach him to trust again. The most important component in the relationship between a Sub and a Dom is trust. His trust has been destroyed and he doesn't know what to believe in."

"He wanted to be a priest," I pointed out.

"Oh God, then he has guilt and all that shit too," Mike said, as if it was a joke.

I finally got to the real reason I came to Mike. I wanted him to tell me I was strong, not as a Dom but as a woman who was trying to fix all the wrongs in her life. I needed him to tell me I left this life because it wasn't who I really was. "What if it pulls me back in?" I asked.

Mike sat down and clapped his hands together. "Then I'll throw you a fucking welcome back parade."

His glee at my downfall angered me. I was more determined than ever to keep everything professional between me and Edward. I wouldn't teach him to trust his Dom; I would teach him how to trust his own heart. It was what got me out of the lifestyle and maybe it would work for him.

I left without telling Mike goodbye and made the drive to Seattle. I stopped in Corvallis to spend the night and showed up at the Cullens door before noon the next day. Esme greeted me with joy and quickly took me to Edward's room.

"We tried to make things normal for him. Emmett stayed a week, but Alice could only stay a few days. He eats with us, but that is it," she said sadly.

"May we have a minute alone?" I asked Esme, and she turned and left the room.

I walked over to the chair Edward was sitting in and knelt before him. I placed my hands on his knees and decided to show trust in him first. "Edward, I'm terrified. I want to help you, but I don't want to live as a Dom anymore. Do you understand what I'm telling you?"

He nodded ever so slightly so I continued. "I want to be your friend. I want to lean on you as you lean on me. I don't want anything from you except friendship. Will you be my friend?"

His eyes began to water and I knew he couldn't answer. He was too broken to trust in a former Dom who had walked out on him once already. I let my head fall to his knee and I took a few deep breaths before taking his hand and pulling him to his feet. He let me lead him to the back porch and we sat on a bench swing under the rare noon sun.

I kept his hand in mine as I spoke. "Tanya came to see me. She told me about Brazil." I felt Edward stiffen so I continued on. "It is okay with me. If you wanted to go to Brazil you should have gone. You were young and free to do as you wished."

I glanced over at him but his face was unreadable. "I had to do what was best for me. It was hard, but it was the best decision of my life. Your decision didn't work, but it doesn't mean your next one won't make you happy. I want you to decide to let me help you, okay?"

His head turned slowly and he focused his eyes on mine. He struggled to say what he was feeling and finally croaked out a sentence that brought me to tears. "I'm nothing," he said, "I don't deserve your help."

5

It was the Doms responsibility to convince the Sub their world revolved around them. That every ounce of happiness came from the submissive and life was worthless without them. Someone had convinced Edward he was worthless and it broke my heart. It meant his scars were not false declarations of love but cruel ways to inflict pain on him.

I took hold of Edward's face and demanded he look at me. His eyes rose to mine and nothing but pain and fear showed in them. "Edward, you are loved by your family and friends. Why would they love you if you are nothing? You are everything to them."

"Because they don't know," he said in just a whisper.

"But I know," I admitted, and watched his eyes grow wide. "And I came back to help you, because you are so special." His eyes began to dart around as if he wanted out of my presence. I quickly let go of his face and gave him some space.

"Do you remember when you believed in Santa Clause?" I mused. "Christmas was so much better when you believed. I think every kid knows he doesn't exist, but it is just better to believe for some reason." I looked over at him and smiled. "Did you know one fourth of all people who sit on a mall Santa's lap are adults? I think we like to believe in happy things."

"Emmett told me when I was five," he said, as his expression became tortured.

I laughed and said, "I didn't have siblings. I must have been ten before I figured it out."

We sat in silence for a bit longer and I decided to push him just a bit. I wanted to see if he was comfortable talking about his childhood, or if something there propelled him into the lifestyle he had chosen.

"I heard you grew up in Chicago, did you have a lot of friends?"

He looked at me and nodded.

"Did you play with Emmett a lot?"

He shook his head and then said, "He was older."

"You're Carlisle and Esme's son?" I asked, trying not to insult him by insinuating anything.

"Yes," he said and his voice changed to one of distain, "The golden child, both families are rich and I get an inheritance from both."

"You must have heard that a lot," I stated, seeing I hit a nerve and wanting to explore it further. "Were you treated differently than Alice or Emmett?"

He looked away from me and refused to answer. I was so tempted to command him to answer, but I was building trust, not working on his life story. I began moving the swing with my legs and we both stared into the forest for a few minutes.

"I thought I was so smart," I said softly as my own anger rose up inside of me. "I thought I could handle anything. I was always in charge, always the one with the answers. I was so full of it."

He looked at me but I kept my face forward. "You don't realize when you go over the edge. One day you're looking down and the next day you are drowning and looking up. I wanted Charlie to be proud of me."

"Who's Charlie," Edward asked.

"My father." We sat quietly for a few more minutes and I turned my attention back to Edward. "We can't worry about the opinions of others. We have to look at our own reflections and that is what I'm here to do for you. I want you to be able to look in the mirror and see a great man."

"Just tell me to do it," he challenged, knowing I couldn't do it and he wouldn't be the one responsible for seeing the broken man either.

"I can't," I said truthfully. "And not for the reasons you think. I can't do it for my own sanity."

Esme walked onto the deck with a phone in your hand. "Carlisle would like to speak to you."

Everything about Edward changed. He retreated into his body and his expression changed to one of complete ambivalence. I took the phone and said hello, only to hear Carlisle thank me over and over again for coming back. I tried to play it off as no big deal and when he invited me to dinner with him and Esme I refused and told him I would remain with Edward. It was the first step in building trust between us.

I kept Edward downstairs as his parents got ready for their evening. He looked at me often as if trying to decipher my thoughts. I watched the television screen and refused to act concerned with what was going on around me.

When his parents left I gave them a quick wave over my shoulder and waited for the door to close before turning to face Edward. "What should we do this evening?"

He didn't answer but his eyes darkened and I could see he was becoming aroused. He had to be insane if he thought I would touch him in that manner. I was here to help, not service his need to be dominated. "Let's play a game," I suggested and he only continued to stare. "It is called ten questions. I get to ask ten and then you get to ask ten."

He never responded so I went forward with my first question. "What is your favorite color?" I asked.

"Blood red," he said with a thick voice.

"Favorite book?" I asked without responding to his first answer.

"I don't like to read," he said, and let his finger trail along my shoulder. It took everything I had not to smack his hand away and tell him he needed permission to touch me. Instead I looked at his finger and then up at him and smiled. He let his hand drop instantly.

"Favorite food?" I pushed.

"Anything," he said as if pouting.

"Come on Edward. You have to have a favorite. Tell me what it is." I meant for it to sound like I really wanted to know, but instead it sounded as if I was commanding him to tell me.

His eyes brightened and he said leaned in closer to say, "You."

I had to literally bite my tongue to stop the words from flying from my mouth. He was pushing me, trying to make me react like a Dom to make himself feel better. He didn't trust a woman who wasn't dominating him, and he was trying to push me into it.

I wasn't about to give him what he wanted so I whispered, "Why don't you make a move on me?"

"Tell me what you need," he begged, as his voice sounded like he was in pain.

"I have no idea," I lied. I knew it would be pure torture for a sub to hear the person in charge of dominating him say she didn't know what to ask of him. I was taking a chance by acting ignorant and I could see Edward's anxiety rising.

His head fell to my shoulder and he begged softly, "Please Bella."

"Do whatever you want, I don't care," I said with my own anxiety.

He suddenly pushed me away from him and jumped up to pace the room. His nostrils were flaring and he was quickly coming undone. His arms pumped angrily at his side and he kicked anything that got into his way. I remained calm and watched him without saying a word. He finally went rigid and fell to the ground. I jumped up and rushed to his side.

"Edward, you're hyperventilating. Breathe slowly and deeply," I said as I tried to calm him.

He continued his shallow breathing so I got right into his face and slapped him a couple of times. "Breathe," I demanded, and his eyes locked onto mine as he breathed in rhythm with me. His pale face gained color and he rolled onto his back as he took deep breaths.

"Damn it Edward, can't you see how messed up this is? You shouldn't depend on me to do something as simple as breathing. Obviously Tanya wasn't telling you what to do, so who was?"

He rubbed his eyes roughly with the palm of his hands and then let them fall as they remained shut. "I don't know," he said barely above a whisper.

"You don't know who it was or you can't remember?" I pressed.

"I can't remember anything. I don't know what happened to me? But I feel like I'm crushing in on myself."

I smiled widely, knowing we just experienced a huge breakthrough. He confided in me, letting me in just a little bit to the confusion and fear he was experiencing. I tried to keep the excitement from my voice as I spoke to him. "Edward, I know it is so confusing, but your mind is protecting you from something it doesn't want to remember, something it isn't ready to deal with. You body has been…conditioned to react a certain way. It will fade and your memories will return. I wish I could tell you it will be easy, but it won't. It will be very painful. But I'm here to help you. I promise I will never hurt you."

He opened his eyes and looked at me with the expression of a lost child. The innocent part of him that had been destroyed by the monstrous reality of what some adults find seductive. It corrupts the soul and it is considered okay because the participants are over eighteen. In reality it is two disturbed people feeding off the needs of one another.

"I'm so sorry," I said without realizing it. I was sorry to the child inside of Jake, the child in me that Mike destroyed, and for whatever happened to Edward.

"I never wanted to be a priest," he whispered, as his eyes remained locked onto mine.

"And I never wanted to be the ballerina my mother wanted me to be," I replied.

"Do you dance?" he asked.

"No, I fall," I said, and we both laughed.

Parents don't mean to burden their children with their unfulfilled dreams; they only want the best for them without realizing it is best to let them choose their own path. Esme most likely felt the failure of her first marriage as a weakness and wanted Edward's success in the church to absolve her of it. I could only imagine what I would do to a child to make up for my mistakes.

"How did you tell your parents you didn't want to go into the Priesthood?" I asked him, hoping we had a connection strong enough for him to feel he could answer.

"I began dating Tanya and let them find condoms in my pants," he said, and moved his eyes from mine.

"Tanya said you were a great lover. Were you happy with her?"

He sat up and moved to the sofa to sit against it. He hugged his knees to his chest and shook his head back and forth. Mike was right, she was just a decoy. "I'm sure the marriage was looming over your head and you felt the need to run. Was Brazil an attempt to run?"

"No," he said sadly. "It was an attempt to rid my mind of the evil that existed there. I have sick thoughts."

I scooted closer and set my hand on his knee to rub it gently. "No Edward, they are not sick. What we need to figure out is why you need to be dominated to feel fulfilled. What is it about a command that gives you permission to access your passion and sexuality?"

I had heard of religious retreats which promised to turn a sexually adventurous man or woman into a God fearing zealot, I just never meet anyone who had given one a chance. "How long were you in Brazil?"

He raised his head and looked at me in surprise. "Did I go?" he asked.

"Didn't you?" I asked back.

"I don't know, I can't remember," he said, as he tried to pull any memory from his foggy brain.

6

I was more than thrilled with the progress Edward made in one evening. I dropped the subject and put on a movie, a comedy, to let him relax and enjoy being with another person. He stared at the screen, but I wasn't sure if he actually watched the movie or not.

Carlisle and Esme came home and were excited to see Edward doing something so normal, or at least appearing to do something normal. They said goodnight and hurried upstairs. I turned to look at Edward and said, "If you're tired you can go to bed."

"Are you tired?" he asked in return.

"Yeah, I'll go up in a minute," I said and stretched my legs. He watched me closely and then scooted closer and tried to whisper. I couldn't hear him so I moved even closer to him.

"I have horrible dreams," he said with just a breath.

"Do you remember them?" I asked and he nodded nervously. "Okay, I'm going to get you a notebook and I want you to write them down each morning." He licked his lips and thought before he finally nodded in agreement again.

I stood and waited for him to follow my action. He walked a step behind me the whole way to his room. I opened his door and smiled at him. "Have a good night, sweet dreams," I said.

Instead of going into his room he stepped in front of me and blocked my retreat. His chest was moving up and down quickly and I found the nerve to look up into his eyes. He took a baby step closer to me and said, "That's it?"

My body was on fire and I wanted desperately to order him to his knees, instead I shook my head up and down so I wouldn't have to speak. His body was brushing mine lightly as he breathed and I could hear the air coming in and out of his nose.

"Edward we need some definite lines. We are building trust in each other and neither one of us should take advantage of the other."

His mouth formed a twisted smile and he said, "I could push you right onto the ground."

My hand rose to slap him but I managed to control it. He was threatening me just to get a reaction, so I would lose control and take him however I wanted. It was so tempting, but I wasn't throwing away my license on such unethical behavior.

"Yes, and I would fall," I admitted. "But only to get up and go to my room."

"No," he chuckled. "You would get angry."

"You're right, but not angry enough to do what you're pushing me to do. Maybe I don't even want you Edward. Maybe I want a man who hasn't lost his memories or feel he's dirty for having fantasies."

His expression changed to one of hurt and I knew I took a shot at his pride, but I had to make him understand he wasn't going to force me into anything. I stepped around him and headed to my own room. This time I made sure to lock the door so he couldn't come in during the night.

The following morning I got a notebook and set it on his bedside table. He was sleeping peacefully but his covers were a mess. I was anxious to see what he would write about and exactly how honest he was willing to be.

Carlisle and Esme were at the kitchen table and I smiled as I joined them. "Edward is progressing quickly. I really think he'll begin to have memories soon."

"We can't thank you enough Dr. Swan. Tell us what you need from us," Carlisle said.

"Can you show me childhood memorabilia from Edward so I can get a broader look at his life?"

"Sure," Esme said, and left the room as I ate my grapefruit. She returned with a big box and I headed into the other room to go through it all. I looked at school pictures, vacations, family portraits, not really sure what I was looking for. I found an artist tablet filled with drawings, very erotic drawings of dragons and all kinds of beasts.

I heard something and looked up to see Edward standing in his pajamas looking at me. I smiled and he held out the notebook before going into the kitchen. I opened it and saw his perfect, neat printing.

_I was a demon coming up from under the ground to hunt. I found a young girl with short hair and dark eyes and I wanted her. I wanted to consume her, to hear her body crush underneath mine, feel her skull break apart in my hands. Before I could move she was on me, taking me inside her as she laughed with joy. I tried to get her off of me but her muscles clamped down tightly as she rode me harder._

_I cried for help but the devil spoke in my ear. You like this, you want this. I couldn't disagree so I grabbed onto my penis and moved it hard and fast to the sight and sounds of her until I screamed in pleasure and collapsed into the pit of hell._

I went through each line over and over again as I tried to decipher his meaning, other than the obvious. It was all there, his guilt, his desire, his hatred for someone, as well as his hatred for himself. I put all the childhood things away and carried the box upstairs. I waited for Edward in his room and hoped he would return by himself. He did eventually come, but with Esme leading him by the hand.

"He'll dress himself today," I told her, and she nervously left the room. Edward gave me a defiant look and I laughed. "You're still her pride and joy, don't worry."

He sat on his bed without dressing and I ignored the action. I sat on the chair and pulled it closer. "Okay let's go over your dream. The demon is your sexuality; it is totally natural for you to have erections during the night. It is also normal for you to masturbate. What isn't normal is to feel guilty for it. I think your religious upbringing makes you feel it is something evil and it manifests as a demon or a devil. We need to find out who the girl is. She is vital to the scenario."

"I want to fuck her until she's dead," he yelled. "Don't tell me it is normal."

"No you don't," I said just as loudly. "You want to break free from her hold on you. You never tried to kill her or saw her dead in the dream. Who had that much control over you?"

"I don't know," he cried out and covered his eyes with his arm.

"Think about it. Whose skull did you imagine crushing so you could be free from the commands?"

He thought for a moment and shook his head again. I stood and patted his leg. "We'll talk more after you're ready for the day." I exited the room and found Esme waiting with a clean set of clothes for Edward. I took them and headed back downstairs. She followed quickly behind.

"Why can't I help him dress?" Esme asked.

"Because he isn't a child and we are helping him become a functioning adult."

We waited downstairs for close to an hour until Edward finally appeared. He was dressed in jeans and a ragged sweatshirt with gym shoes. He looked like a sexy man headed to a game or to go shopping. I tossed my head toward the back porch and he followed me onto the deck. I continued down the stairs and onto the grass before waiting for Edward to join me.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"I just wanted to take a walk. I haven't had any exercise," I answered, and took hold of his arm as we began walking. "Do you believe in God, Edward?"

"Um…Priest, remember?" he chuckled.

"You didn't answer my question. Do you believe in God?"

"Of course," he answered.

"Do you believe he forgives us for our sins?"

"Only if you go forth and sin no more," he said quietly.

"Okay, so if I tell a lie and I ask for forgiveness and then lie again, will he forgive me?"

"I guess," he mumbled.

We walked in silence and Edward finally spoke first. "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do you care if I believe in God?" he asked, and I could feel his body tense.

"I've done some pretty bad things. It would be nice to be forgiven," I said with a smile.

"Like what?" he asked with a hint of a smile.

"I've pretended not to be home when my mother called. I lied about work when my dad asked me to come for Easter. I've cheated on men and lied on my taxes," I stated openly.

Edward looked at me in shock and then broke into laughter. "You're a terrible therapist."

I gasped and pretended to be offended before saying, "You are wrong. I am a great researcher, I'm just not perfect."

We walked further and Edward was growing more and more anxious. I wanted him to expose the source of his anxiety but I didn't want to push him. He finally stopped and jammed his hands into his jeans pockets. "Okay," he said loudly. "We need to talk about the elephant in the room and stop skirting the issue."

"Which elephant would you like to talk about, because I see an entire herd?"

"You were a Dom and I was a Sub. There, it's out into the open," he stated.

"Really, and who were you a sub with?" I asked, since he was engaged to Tanya when he went missing.

"Chicago is a big city," he offered. "And I had the money and the access."

"But you have no idea what happened to you," I reminded him and watched to see any sign of lying.

"I don't, but I do remember what happened before I went missing."

I knew it would help to tell Edward my story, but I wasn't sure I was comfortable talking to him about it. I was here to help him and I didn't want to confuse the issue.

"Why does it make you feel guilty?" I asked.

"It makes me feel guilty because it became necessary. What man needs a woman to control him to get into the mood?"

"Tanya called you perfect," I said, and tried not to sound jealous or disbelieving.

"That was acting," he admitted, "And it became more and more difficult."

"Maybe that is why you've blocked everything out of your mind. You feel the weight of what you did to a great woman."

I was talking more about myself than Edward. I was almost drowning in my guilt for turning Jake so desperate. I was transferring my feelings to see if they fit for Edward. He took a couple of steps and then turned to face me. "I don't want to go back to her," he admitted.

"Back to who?" I asked.

"Tanya, I don't want to see her."

I realized he had no idea she had moved on without him. She was happy and aware he never loved her. I tried to let the truth out slowly and said, "Edward, you don't have to worry about Tanya. Her life is fulfilled and happy. She is married now."

He looked at me with an odd expression, almost like he didn't believe me. I worried I had shown him his parents lied to him. I finally asked, "Are you okay?"

"How long was I gone?" he asked with a soft voice that was obviously shaking.

Oh God, I hadn't realized he wasn't aware of the span of missing time. I walked up to him and took his hands and asked slowly, "How long did you think you were gone?"

He shook his head, too afraid to speak. I glanced around the yard and wondered if I should take him inside before telling him. I squeezed his hands and said, "Edward, you've been gone for six years."


	3. Chapter 7 thru 9

It is one thing to be an adventurous college student not quite ready to embark on adulthood, but hearing you are a grown man with a large chunk of time missing is daunting to say the least. Edward looked confused for a moment and then his knees buckled. He slid down my body as I tried desperately to keep him standing.

"Hey, hey," I said, and held his face in my hands as I knelt too. "It's okay Edward. Look at me, its okay."

His eyes were wild and unfocused as he struggled with the information I had given him. I had to keep talking, saying anything to stop him from slipping further into his mind. I did the only thing I could think of and spoke to him as my sub.

"Kiss me or I'll punish you," I said harshly.

His hand moved to the back of my head and he pulled me to his lips as his eyes remained open. I stared into them, trying to judge if it was working or not. I began to lose focus when I realized his kiss was tender and passionate as his body language was stiff and terrified. I was being pulled in, wanting to reward him for such a performance. My hand rose to his hair and I took a fist full as I unwillingly took the kiss even further. He responded and his eyes closed slowly as his tongue moved with expertise.

It took every ounce of strength I had to push him away. I jumped off the ground and moved further from him as I ran my finger over my warmed lips. Edward remained kneeling and his head dropped as he awaited another command.

"Oh God," I cried, and turned to run back to the house.

Esme was gone and I waited close to half an hour before looking out the back window to find Edward in the exact position I left him in. He was obedient to a fault and I loved it damn it. I walked outside and up to him before saying, "Edward, come inside. It will rain soon."

He rose and followed me back to the house. I motioned for him to sit on the sofa and I sat in the chair across from him. I wanted to apologize profusely, but I knew we needed to tackle the time issue first. I asked him if he had any memories return by hearing the news of how long he was gone. He surprised me by nodding his head up and down.

"Can you tell me what you remember?" I asked.

"I went to Brazil," he said without any emotion.

My eyes widened and I had to stop myself from exclaiming loudly. This was a huge clue. "How do you know?" I pushed.

"I remember being on the beach and looking at the ocean. I wanted to drown myself and float away."

"Do you know who was there with you, was it a church thing?" I asked stupidly.

His eyes rose to mine and he chuckled without any humor. "Church thing? No. It was slavery, sexual slavery."

Now I was really confused. He willingly went to be a sex slave? I needed to explore it further without sending him into a deep depression. I thought for a moment and then asked, "Where did you hear about the place?"

I could tell he was working hard to pull something familiar from his mind, but he finally gave up and mumbled, "I don't know."

"But you thought it would rid you of your…tendencies?" I asked softly.

"I thought I would get it out of my system. It was my last hope to do everything I fantasized about and then live normally with Tanya."

It was tempting to laugh at his idiocy but I had to remind myself he was only twenty-two when he went missing. Edward was emotionally very young for his age so I came up with another plan. "Edward, I want you to spend some time bonding with Emmett and Alice."

His eyes shot open and he asked, "Did Emmett marry Rose?"

"I don't know," I told him honestly, but surely over the span of six years things had changed in their lives.

Edward grabbed the phone and dialed a number. I thought he was calling Emmett but I was surprised when he gasped and said, "Jasper, is it you?" I watched as tears rolled down his cheeks and his eyes closed at the sound of something soothing to his soul. "Can you come over?" he finally said through his tears.

He hung up and let his head fall back on the sofa. I didn't want to say anything so we sat in silence for over five minutes. Edward finally looked at me and said, "I have to find out what happened. I want revenge."

I sat forward and said as kindly as possible, "What if there is no revenge to be had?"

"What do you mean?" he asked.

I scooted even further to the edge of the chair and held my palms together as I spoke. "What if you got what you wanted and it was too much for your mind?"

His lip was shaking as he sucked it in and chewed on it as he considered my words. If Edward had been willing to do anything, there surely was a Dom willing to push him over the edge. It would be the ultimate act of submission. I still felt the short haired girl in his dream was the missing clue we needed.

I attempted to bring up another topic. "Edward, are you still interested in going to law school?"

"It was Tanya's dream for me, not mine," he stated adamantly.

"What was your dream?" I quickly clarified my question, "As a career."

"I wanted to be a musician," he admitted.

I chuckled and not because I didn't think he would be talented enough, I just pictured him in leather pants and hair hanging in his eyes and found it amusing. Poor Esme wanted a Priest and ended up with Judas Priest. He knew exactly what I was thinking so he clarified too. "I'm a classically trained pianist."

"Oh," I laughed and he finally laughed with me.

I was ready to go deep again and asked, "Who's Jasper?"

Edward's face softened and he smiled slightly. "He's my best friend. The only man in the world I trust."

His words caught me off guard. I had thought his issue was with his mother but that statement made me interested in exploring his relationship with Carlisle instead. Maybe Esme doted on Edward to compensate for something missing from his father.

"Do you trust your father?" I asked him.

"I meant outside of the family," he said as his face reddened. Something told me that wasn't exactly true.

The doorbell rang and Edward jumped up and rushed to answer it. I actually had to run to keep up with him. He opened the door and descended on his friend, holding him tightly as both men cried aloud. It made me tear up too. I had a lot of hope this man was the key to keeping Edward emotionally well.

When they finally parted I saw a very handsome man with blonde curls and an angelic face. He looked like what I would imagine a young Priest would look like. I stepped closer and extended my hand. "Hello Jasper, I'm Dr. Swan."

"Yes, I've heard all about you," he said, and Edward looked a bit surprised. He turned back to his friend and said, "You scared us to death dude. Do you have any idea how long I searched for you?"

"I'm beginning to understand," he said sheepishly.

"Come sit down," I said to them both, and they followed me back into the family room.

"Edward just became aware of how long he was gone," I told Jasper. "He's had some vague memories but nothing that will give us any answers yet."

"Hey, did Em marry Rose?" Edward asked Jasper. The one simple question made the man very uncomfortable and I was ready to intervene in case he had some horrible news for Edward.

"Um…yeah, um…they have a kid," he said without looking at Edward.

I could see the devastation in his eyes and he looked over at me accusingly. I raised my hand up in surrender and said, "I know nothing about any of this. I met Emmett once and that was it."

"They have a son named Edward," Jasper added and tears filled Edward's eyes immediately.

"They shouldn't have done that," he mumbled and I knew he felt unworthy to pass on his name. I had felt the same way for years. I couldn't be a mother if I was so messed up.

"Edward," I called softly and he looked at me. "Your brother loves you very much. Naming his son after you proves it."

He nodded and Jasper looked at me and said, "I have some more news, should I tell him?"

After asking right in front of him of course I had to agree. I wanted to hear the news first and see if it was too much for him on such a stressful day, but I nodded and Jasper turned to smile widely at Edward.

"I got married," he announced.

Edward didn't smile in return. He looked absolutely heartsick. He ran his hand through his hair and said, "I wasn't there."

Jasper looked at me like I was the one who spoiled the mood. I glared at him and he gave me a grimace before saying, "We got together because of you, so you were there in our hearts."

I was unable to control the outburst and said, "Oh God, please don't tell us you married Tanya."

Jasper laughed hardily and wiped the tears from his eyes as me and Edward waited for him to tell us who he married. He took a deep breath and said, "I married Alice."

"No fucking way," Edward exclaimed, and I watched him closely. "You said she was annoying as hell."

I wanted to point out psychologically Jasper most likely bonded with Alice in an attempt to keep Edward in his life, but I let it slide and watched both men hug each other enthusiastically. It was the first time I saw Edward happy about something.

I was exhausted from the range of emotions the day brought and was sure Edward was too. I left the two men to talk and made us all something to eat. When I headed back to the room I listened to their conversation for a moment.

"Your family was so grateful the morning they found you standing in the driveway," Jasper said.

"I have no idea how I got here," Edward admitted.

"Maybe it would be best if you never know," Jasper said, and I wanted to point out it wouldn't, but I stayed back. "You know, let the past be done and buried."

"I'm not healthy," Edward admitted. "And I'm not talking about my memory loss. I've been messed up for a long time."

"How?"

I leaned in closer to hear and Edward naturally lowered his voice. "Do you remember Victoria?" he asked Jasper.

"The redhead?"

"Yeah, she got me into some sick shit. I can't blame her, I was looking for it and she gave me what I wanted," he confessed.

"Drugs?" Jasper asked.

"No, not drugs. I got into um….an alternate lifestyle."

"She turned you gay?" Jasper asked in ignorance.

"No… yes… I've done things you probably can't even imagine," Edward said in pain. "I did whatever the partner asked me to do; rather it was a woman or a man."

I leaned my head against the wall and listened to the deafening silence. Jasper couldn't wrap his mind around this side of his friend and I was terrified of what it would do to Edward. I never had the nerve to tell my friends about my lifestyle, and here Edward was, opening up to the one person he trusted. If Jasper rejected him, I wasn't sure Edward would ever recover.

8

The seconds felt like hours as I waited with baited breath for Jasper to say something. I imagined telling Angela some of the things I had done and how she would react. Angela was just my secretary, not a lifelong friend I valued more than anyone. I always felt my distance from people was what made me a Dom, maybe Edward's closeness to his friends and family made him a Sub?

Jasper finally spoke. "I've seen your drawings, Edward. I never said anything, but they weren't…normal."

"I draw what I feel," he confessed and it was the perfect time to interrupt. I charged into the room loudly and set the tray down in front of both men.

"I wouldn't usually agree to serve Edward on a tray, but this is a special occasion," I said and winked at him.

"I could get used to this," Jasper grinned and picked up a sandwich.

The men chatted about things in the past, the far distant past, and when Jasper had to leave Edward walked him to the door and hugged him before kissing his cheek. Jasper pulled away and both Edward and I noticed. They awkwardly parted and when the door closed he pressed his forehead against it and sighed.

"You're very brave," I told him honestly.

"No, I'm very stupid," he threw back.

I walked over to the box I had gone through of his childhood things and pulled out the drawing tablet. I waited for Edward to come sit next to me and then opened it. "I think we should talk about this," I said.

He did something totally out of character for a sub and pulled it from my hand. My instinct was to demand he give it back to me, but I refrained. He flipped through the book and then placed it under his thigh.

"I don't want to do it right now," he said.

I smiled and he noticed and raised his eyebrows at me. "Nothing," I laughed, "I just liked how you took charge, it was inspiring."

He laughed and shook his head, "Wouldn't it be funny you turned me into a Dom and I turned you into a Sub?"

We both thought for a second and shook our heads as we laughed. It was never going to happen, one order from him of a sexual nature and I would respond with a vengeance. He wouldn't instigate pushing my limits if his life depended on it. We knew better than most people what we were capable of, and switching positions was never going to happen.

The door opened and Esme walked in. We both stopped talking and waited for her to enter the room. She walked straight to Edward and kissed him on the head. "You look happy," she told him.

"I was just teasing Bella," he replied, and I noticed how he called me Bella and not Dr. Swan. I should have corrected him, but for some reason I remained quiet.

"Are you hungry?" she asked her son.

"No, Jasper was here and we ate a sandwich." I noticed again he didn't say I had made it for him. I was glad he kept it quiet since it was out of my character to do it.

"You saw Jasper?" she asked with a fake smile plastered all over her face.

"Yeah, seems like he married your daughter, imagine that," Edward teased. I was seeing a whole new side of him. He was a jokester and liked to tease.

Esme sat next to him and tried to explain. "We didn't know if we should tell you or not. We didn't want to make things worse."

"It's okay," he admitted. "Bella was here."

Again my training screamed at me to make him call me Dr. Swan, but I didn't object and swore I would address it later in our private talks. I stood and announced I would be gone for the evening. I suggested they get together as a family and spend some quality time reconnecting. I was halfway up the stairs when Edward called out, "Where are you going?"

I glanced back and said, "It isn't any of your concern. I've given you a treatment plan for the evening and you need to concentrate on that."

His face fell and he looked hurt, an expression he used often. I didn't know if he was worried about me going or if he was the youngest and used to having his way. I ignored my gut reaction to assure him and continued up the stairs.

I dressed for a night at a club, promising myself I would enjoy some dancing and nothing more. When I came downstairs to leave I ran into Esme. "Can you tell me of anywhere close I can hear some music, a live band perhaps?"

"There are several places close to the university. I've heard my assistants talking about a club called, Brewers. I think you would like it."

"Thank you," I said, and left quickly.

I put the club in my GPS and made my way to a loud overcrowded club, it was just what I wanted. I got a drink and listened to a few songs from the band. Seattle was known for its music and I was certainly a new fan. A young man approached me who couldn't be more than twenty-four and offered me a fresh drink.

"Thank you," I said, "But next time, ask me what to order." He laughed and nodded in agreement. I felt a rush of adrenalin that was familiar when I was flirting with a man. I always took control of the moment. "What's your name?" I asked him.

"Riley," he said, and his eyes looked away when I stared directly into them. He was just the type of guy I could work with.

"I'm going to call you Guy, okay?"

He chuckled and finally shrugged, "Yeah, okay."

"Come dance with me, Guy," I said and set my drink on the table without taking a sip. I took hold of his hand and pulled him onto the dance floor. I placed his hands on my hips and raised my arms into the air as I moved only for him.

He stood still as I moved and brushed against him several times. I liked this kid, he had real potential. When the band moved to a slower beat I wrapped my arms around his neck and when his hands moved up my back I spoke into his ear. "I didn't say you could move your hands."

He immediately placed them back on my hips so I rewarded him with a gentle kiss to the ear. I could feel him becoming aroused and I pulled back to look into his eyes as I grinded into him. "You better know how to use that if you're bringing it out so early.

"You'll have to tell me," he said back, keeping his hands still on my hips.

It was all it took and I turned around and led him from the dance floor. I took hold of his hand so I wouldn't lose him in the crowd but my intentions came to an abrupt halt when I bumped into someone and stood face to face with Edward. His eyes were not submissive, but filled with anger. I took a deep breath to maintain my own control and dropped Riley's hand. Edward never looked at the boy behind me and his eyes never moved from mine. It kicked my anger up a notch and I said, "You are not following my instructions."

He glared down at me, so much taller and almost intimidating. "You don't control me," he said with venom.

My head was spinning. I had released a part of me with Riley which I normally kept so controlled and now Edward was here to confuse me. I was overwhelmed by my desire to force him to submit to me and it angered me even more because I knew he knew exactly what he was doing.

"Go home," I demanded with a shaky voice.

I watched as his mouth twitched and he continued to look me in the eye. "Make me," he mouthed.

I turned to Riley and said, "Excuse me Guy, but this is a mental patient I am treating and I have to deal with him right now. Good night."

I grabbed Edward by the shirt and pulled him toward the door. I was losing it badly and the sounds and sights around me were becoming one giant blur. The only thing I could focus on was making Edward obey me. I kept dragging him after we exited the club and pulled him right to the trunk of my car. I pushed him hard against it and then pushed him again right in the chest with both hands.

"Damn you," I screamed at him. "You know what you're doing."

"No, I know what you're doing," he corrected. "It isn't fair, Bella."

My hand shot out and I slapped him hard. "Call me Dr. Swan, I am not your Dom," I screamed.

His eyes brightened and he quickly said, "Whatever you want, Dr. Swan."

"No," I cried and dropped my face into my hands. "I didn't mean it like that. I didn't mean to….."

We were both trembling with need and desire. It would be so easy to give each other what we both so desperately wanted. I made justifications, thinking Edward would be easier to reach if I had control of all of him. It was wrong and I knew it, but I wasn't sure I was strong enough to refuse him.

"It hurts," he said softly. "I just want it to stop hurting. Please Bella, please help me."

I took a step back and raised my head to look at him. He was pleading with not only his words but with his entire body. "It has to hurt," I told him. "You'll only get better if it hurts."

He leaned the weight of his body against the car as he folded his arms around his waist. "You were leaving with him, why can't you use me?"

"Because it would be exactly that, using you. I don't want to be that person, that doctor, that…Dom," I explained.

"What if this is all we'll ever be?" he asked. "What if we were thrown together because this is the only way we will ever find true happiness?"

He was right and I knew it. I could never treat him as his therapist. It would be a constant dance of temptation and retreat. Edward needed someone who was never tempted by his offering. If I wanted to help him I had to get out of his life. I smiled and nodded before saying, "I'll leave tomorrow and your father can find someone to work with you. I think you are capable of doing sessions with someone else now."

"You're quitting on me?" he asked in shock.

"I'm doing the right thing," I said, and moved to get into my car.

He held the door and bent down to be even with me on my seat. It was dark and his face was a blank canvass without any shape or form to me. I could only hear his voice coming from a black orb. "You're not my therapist anymore, so tell me what you need. Say it and I'll do it," he begged.

"No," I said, but my tone was less than convincing.

"I'm just some guy," he whispered.

I could feel my resolve slipping and he moved in even closer. "A nobody, just some guy," he whispered again.

My hand moved without permission and pulled his head to my mouth. I kissed him aggressively as my body sang for joy. He followed my lead, never taking control of the kiss but keeping up with the escalations.

I moved from the seat, pushing him back onto his heels as I slid from the car to his lap. He had perfect balance, never falling back or leaning on the car door. His hands never wandered, waiting for permission to go where I wanted them to go. The words were right on the tip of my tongue and all I would have to do is say them.

My mind was working faster than my body, planning out the things I wanted to do with him and what I wanted to give him. I knew I would go easy on him, take into account his fragile state, and make sure he was completely satisfied. It heightened the feelings which were growing extremely fast.

9

I decided to slow things down and take Edward somewhere we could be alone, where I would be free to take things as slowly as possible. I pulled back and held Edward's face in my hands as we both gasped for air, our hearts pounding with excitement.

Edward opened his eyes and suddenly forcefully pushed me off of his lap. I tumbled right on my ass and anger surged through me. I jumped up as I yelled, "What the hell, Edward."

He was trying to brush something off his body, like a boy afraid he got cooties from a girl. His mumbling was incoherent and I moved closer and called his name softly. He looked at me as if seeing me for the first time.

"They wouldn't stop, I begged them to stop," he cried.

It was absolute depravity for a Dom to refuse to stop when the sub asked. I grabbed his hands and held them tightly as I spoke adamantly to him. "Edward, I stopped. Listen to me, I stopped. You're safe."

"The blood is all over me," he said and looked at his body as if seeing something I couldn't. He suddenly pulled his hands from mine and pulled into a tight ball as he sobbed loudly. "Oh God, she's dead. I killed her."

"Who Edward?" I asked, and pulled his face to look at me again.

"Help me Dr. Swan," he cried.

"No," I said with as much force as I could muster. "I am not your therapist, understand. You did not confess to your therapist. You fired me, say it Edward. I'm not your therapist."

"You're not my therapist," he mumbled softly.

I hadn't taken any money and I had no contract signed from anyone. I told Riley Edward was my patient but surely he didn't believe me with the manner I had said it. I was skirting the legal line but I couldn't turn Edward in, not when I understood what it meant for a Dom to refuse to stop when a sub asked.

"Come on," I said and tried to help him up. "Let's get out of here."

He stood and his eyes had returned to his blank stare. I took him to the passenger side and locked in his seatbelt. I got into the driver's side and headed to the closest hotel I could find. I called the Cullens and told them I was working with Edward on memories and felt it was better to keep him away from the home.

They didn't seem too concerned and I would address the subject of my firing later. Edward waited in the car as I got us a room and then I assisted him up to our room. I kept the lights off and laid him on the bed. I removed his shoes and curled up on the bed next to him.

He was on his back and I spoke directly into his ear. "Edward, do you feel safe?" I asked. He didn't answer so I pushed more. "Do you know I won't hurt you?"

He mumbled something but I couldn't figure out the words. I rubbed his chest softly and whispered, "I know about everything and I'm here. I'm not judging you, or condemning you. I'm here, touching you, soothing you, listening to your wishes."

He turned his head and focused on my eyes. "Am I yours?" he asked with a young innocent voice.

I smiled at him and asked, "Do you want to be mine?"

"Yes," he said without any volume to his voice.

I leaned closer and kissed his forehead gently before saying, "Yes, you're mine."

I had no idea what I was doing; I was letting my heart speak for the first time in my life. I knew so little about him and I wasn't feeling the need to dominate him. He needed me, and I liked the feeling.

He turned onto his side and wrapped his arms around my waist before burying his head in my chest. I held him and kissed his head several times as he sniffed from his tears. "It's going to be okay," I said to reassure him. "I won't let anybody hurt you."

"What happened to me?" he asked.

"I'm not sure, but we're going to figure it out together."

He eventually fell asleep and I went into the hallway to call Mike. He answered with an angry voice, obviously being interrupted. "Mike, its Bella. I need to ask you some questions."

"On a scale of one to ten?" he asked, making me assign a number to the importance of my reason for calling.

"A thousand," I replied and he laughed. "I need information about a place in Brazil where they train sadomasochists."

"Bella, it isn't the same as a Dominant submissive partnership," he said, as if I was too naïve to know myself.

"I know, but I need you to get me in the place," I pressed. "I think people are being killed."

"And you're going to march in there and demand it stop, don't be stupid, Bella."

I groaned loudly and let my voice rise unintentionally. "Mike, they don't stop with a safe word. I want them exposed. I want the place shut down."

"You think there is only one?" he laughed at my Prima Dona attitude.

"Then I'll shut them all down," I yelled loudly. "Can you help me or not?"

"Call me tomorrow after you've slept on it," he said and then hung up.

I went back into the room and found Edward awake. He walked past me and into the bathroom without saying a word. I waited for him to return and smiled as he got back onto the bed. "Tough night, wasn't it," I said to lighten the mood.

"Not what I was expecting," he said softly and placed his head on my stomach. I played with his hair for a few moments and he eventually turned to face me.

"What are you planning?" he asked.

"Nothing big," I lied. "I just want a better understanding of what went on in Brazil. I don't understand why a partner wouldn't stop when you requested it."

"Did I?" he asked.

"You said you begged them to stop," I reminded him.

"I did that a lot in my mind, but I never used the words," he admitted.

"Why Edward? It is in a Dom's nature to take you to the edge. It would kill me to know you didn't want what I was doing. It would ruin any intimacy we had."

"If you loved me, I would give you everything, all of me, every ounce of sweat and blood I had to give."

"Oh Edward," I sighed, "You are so loveable. I don't want your all; just a piece of your heart is enough."

I couldn't figure out why Edward needed love so badly. It was easy to see Jake's insecurities, his mother died when he was young and his father was in and out of the hospital with diabetes. Edward's family appeared to be perfect, yet his soul was so fractured.

I decided to explain my own cracks and what made me into the disturbed person I was. "My mother was very needy. She would go from man to man and her happiness depended on their attention. My father was pretty cold. I couldn't blame him. He had a daughter he didn't know and was forced to spend two weeks a year with her. I guess I became a Dom to protect my heart."

"I wanted my father to teach me how to be a man. I wasn't close to him, but my mother was involved in every area of my life. She made every decision for me and I obeyed because I was Edward Cullen, heir to the Cullen fortune and responsible for carrying on both family names. I was sixteen when I came home early and caught my parents having sex. My mother was in control and my father was completely….God, I can't explain it, but I wanted that. It started the fantasies."

"You didn't have it with Tanya?" I asked.

"No, I wanted to be consumed like my father was. I wanted to give everything and Tanya never demanded it from me."

I knew exactly what he was talking about. I knew making love was tame compared to giving and taking in such an intimate, dangerous way. It just felt so much more intense and simply thinking about it made my heart pound.

Edward continued on with a distraught voice. "Now I'll never be able to give anything again. Someone not only took my days but also took my ability to perform."

"No," I said and smiled at him. "You'll get better. It's hard as the memories return, but you'll learn to deal with them and move on."

"Do you promise?" he asked.

"You can trust me," I said tenderly. I wanted to prove it to him so I gave a command. "Take off your pants and lie on the pillow to sleep."

He stood and removed his jeans as I got under the covers. He pulled them down further and climbed in to position himself over my body and then let his weight down and his head on the pillow next to mine.

I wrapped my leg around his and we drifted off to sleep. I couldn't help the grin on my face and the determination in my heart to find the people who hurt Edward. It was close to morning when his nightmare began. He twitched as his body became rigid. His hands pulled into fists and his jaw tightened. "No, I don't want it," he mumbled. "I won't, I won't."

I touched his arm and whispered, "Okay, we'll stop. You don't have to."

He relaxed and pulled me onto his body. He was aroused and breathing deeply. He was absolutely beautiful. I meant to kiss him lightly, but his response caused me to kiss him deeply. With his mouth still attached to mine he said, "Tell me what you want."

"Grab my ass," I demanded and his hand moved to the back of my thigh and then up as he massaged deeply. I groaned into his mouth and he echoed my sound.

"Do you like my warm mouth?" I asked him.

"God yes," he yelled out.

"Do you want it on your cock?" I asked.

"Please," he begged.

I slid down his body and freed him from his boxers. "Sit up and watch," I commanded and he quickly complied. I took him in my hand and he hissed through his teeth. "Tell me what you feel," I said and moved to run my tongue up the length of him.

"I feel your strong hand holding me tightly. Your hot tongue is like fire on my cock." And suddenly he pushed me away and pulled into a ball. "No, no, no," he repeated.

I quickly moved away from him and spoke as softly as my aborted condition would let me. "Okay, I'll stop. See I stopped, no more Edward."

He grabbed his hair and cried in anger. "What in the hell is wrong with me. I want this but….I can't."

"Good, baby," I said and touched him gently. "You're being honest with your limit. It is a good thing, I promise."

"You hate me now," he said and buried his face more.

I laughed gently and said, "You're wrong. It builds trust between us. I don't want you to move faster than you're ready. I have an idea. May I bathe you?"

He turned his face so I could see him and asked, "You want to?"

I smiled and nodded. "I would love to make you feel better."

I got off the bed and went into the bathroom to make a bath. I added some of the bath gel and filled the tub with foam. Edward entered the room completely nude and I helped him into the tub. I got a wash rag and ran it gently down his chest as I knelt on the floor next to him.

He looked at me and said softly, "I'll get stronger, I promise."

"No hurry," I assured him. "I'll be here as long as you want me."


	4. Chapter 10 thru 12

I made sure the Cullens understood I was no longer Edward's therapist but his friend. I found someone in Seattle to counsel him but made him promise to only work on his childhood feelings and leave the information of being a sub out of the sessions until I could find out more about Brazil. It wasn't professional, but I saw Edward as someone I was falling in love with and I was determined to protect him.

Mike called me two days after I returned to San Francisco. I was going to be away from Edward for a week and then return to Seattle again.

"Do you still want in on Brazil?" he asked.

"What did you find out?" I gasped.

"They only take submissives, you can't go as a Dom," he informed me.

"Why?" I asked before thinking it through.

"They train sex slaves; it would kind of defeat the purpose. The only way you'll get in is with my recommendation."

I tried to imagine being submissive to someone and knew it wouldn't work. "Do you have to be a trained sub, or willing to give it a try?"

"I guess we could come up with a cover story. Say you harbor masochistic tendencies you want to delve into deeper."

"Who are these people?" I pushed wondering if he would tell me more.

"Mafia or some shit like that out of Italy. It is run by three brothers, they do all the training themselves."

"No, there was a woman," I said. "She was doing some of the training."

"I'm sure they have women clients too. She is most likely part of the same family and helps her brothers train."

It didn't fit together in my mind. If Edward killed a family member why would they ever let him return home? I was quiet as I thought about things so Mike spoke up. "So do you want to go or not?"

"Can I leave if I don't like it?" I asked.

"I can make that part of the deal," he promised, so I told him to set it up.

He told me it would take a while so I cleared my schedule and left at the end of the week to see Edward one last time. I rang the doorbell and this time he answered with a big grin on his face. He looked anxious to touch me, but he waited for permission. I held out my arms and he pulled me in tightly as he twirled me around the foyer.

"I missed you so much," he said to make me smile wider.

"How are your sessions going?" I asked him. He set me on my feet and pulled back to look at me.

"I'm jealous of my father's relationship with Emmett and I resent Rose for taking him from our family."

"Wow, all that in a week?" I laughed.

"I think the guy is full of shit. I hate Rose for a lot more than taking Emmett."

"I think I need to meet Rose," I teased and he gave me a pretend look of disgust. "Are your parents' home?" I asked.

He shook his head slowly back and forth as his chin lowered to give me a sexy gaze. My heart went into my throat and I grabbed his hair and said, "Then what are you waiting for, kiss me."

He smiled as his mouth came to mine. His arms wrapped tightly around me as our bodies melded together. Nobody kissed as well as Edward. He never led, but managed to keep me just on the very edge as desire built. The more I tried to devour him to more he responded in kind.

"You're an amazing kisser," I said against his mouth.

"It's all you, love," he replied.

It was something a typical sub would say, but with Edward I felt his words not merely heard them. "Let's go to your room," I said and felt him tense. I pulled back and said clearly. "We will not be having sex Edward. I have a surprise for you to build comfort and trust with each other."

He nodded and motioned for me to go ahead of him. He followed one step behind and I felt like a queen. When we got into his room I locked the door and opened my suitcase. I pulled out a kit and then began removing my clothes. Edward stood perfectly still as he watched me.

I handed him the kit and then sprawled out on his bed. "Open it," I ordered. He pulled open the zipper and looked at the various body paints and brushes. "I'm your canvass, paint me Edward, and make it an original," I said harshly.

I had used body paint with Jake, but he stuck his hands in the stuff and then rubbed it all over me. Edward was an artist. He climbed on the bed next to me and painted complex, detailed renditions. I was his Sistine Chapel and he was my Michelangelo.

I watched his face as his lips puckered with concentration. "You are so beautiful," I told him truthfully. He smiled and continued painting. "You're not a demon, Edward. You're an angel who fell to earth."

"My life is yours," he said softly and lifted the paintbrush from my flesh so he could look at me.

"No baby, I don't want your life, I want your love." He brought the brush to my lips and ran the cool paint along the bottom. "Come here," I whispered.

He crawled onto me, covering his clothing in washable paint and messing up his masterpiece. He held my head between his hands and I stared deeply into his eyes. He remained still, letting me lose myself in his face.

"I wrote down some of my dreams," he said quietly.

"Do you want me to read them?" I asked.

"You're not my therapist," he said with a smirk and I laughed.

He was right, I wasn't there to decipher his pain, I was there to fill him with my love. He told me the family had a dinner planned at a nice restaurant so I got up off of his bed and went into his bathroom to shower. He joined me and we spent time tenderly washing each other, it wasn't seductive, it was loving.

I took my time dressing and fixing my hair and makeup. I came downstairs to find Edward waiting in a pair of jeans with a grey jacket. He looked so handsome and when his eyes scanned my body I saw a smile form on his face.

"I'm suddenly not hungry," he said, and pulled me into his arms.

"Really, I'm suddenly ravenous," I said, and pulled his mouth to mine.

I could spend hours kissing him and be completely satisfied. This was a new experience for me to put intimacy ahead of sex. I was growing to like the pace of our relationship and hoped Edward was too. I felt closer to him for some reason by not having sex with him.

We got into my car and drove to the restaurant. I saw Carlisle when we walked in and I gave both him and Esme a hug. Alice and Jasper came in next and we were seated as we waited for Rose and Emmett. Alice was chatting happily but my attention was on Edward's hand which was resting on my thigh. I was rubbing his hand and he massaged my leg.

I heard Emmett before I saw him. We all looked over to where the loud laughed was coming from. It was my first glimpse of Rosalie. She was dressed in black tights with a silver blouse covered by a small black bolero. Her blonde hair fell to the middle of her back in perfect waves. She turned her head to reveal a stunning face with large blue eyes and thick lips. She was gorgeous.

The walked up to our table and Rose smiled at me before glaring at Edward. He completely ignored her. Emmett was holding a child in his arms who was a perfect mixture of him and Rose. I waved to them both and Emmett stepped closer to introduce us.

"Honey, this is Bella. Bella this is my wife Rosalie and my son Edward."

"You have a beautiful family," I smiled and extended my hand.

"He stole my name," Edward mumbled and I turned to chastise him. Edward looked almost childlike as he pouted and I felt the need to comfort him. I leaned over and kissed his cheek and whispered, "Be happy."

He squared his shoulders and put on a smile, just like he was told to do. It made me a bit nauseous and I turned to look away. Carlisle raised his glass and made a toast, "To my family, together, never to be parted again."

We all took a sip from our glasses and Edward shocked me by leaning in and asking, "Do you want to go?"

My mouth fell open and I shook my head adamantly. I was enjoying the closeness of his family and I didn't understand why he wasn't. We looked over our menus to order and Edward asked what he should get. It was normal for a Dom to oversee the nutrition of her sub but it centered on health so intense sexual activity wouldn't stress the body.

"Get what you want," I told him as I scanned my own menu.

"Bella," he said and leaned in closer. "What do you want me to have?"

I raised the menu to block us from the others and said harshly, "Stop it, Edward. Order your own damn meal."

His eyes narrowed and he sat back and crossed his arms in anger. I was seething underneath and wanting to punish him for his behavior. I noticed the others stealing quick glances in our direction and I decided to engage Rosalie in conversation.

"Are you from Seattle?" I asked her.

"No, I met Emmett in Chicago," she smiled. "I actually went to school with Edward."

"Really?" I smiled.

She looked over at her moping brother-in-law and said, "I asked Edward to the prom, but he turned me down."

Who in their right mind would turn down such a beautiful woman? I had no idea why Edward disliked her, she was charming and gorgeous. I looked at Edward and he said loudly, "I had my sights on the church."

"Yeah right," I said sarcastically.

Without looking at me he reached for his water goblet and purposefully dropped it right onto me. I jumped up and tried to wipe the wetness from my dress. I knew what he was doing and I tried so hard not to give him what he wanted, but I had reached my limit.

I turned to him and said, "Clean it up, now." He grabbed his napkin and began wiping my dress and then the table. "Now apologize," I demanded.

He moved in almost slow motion to set the napkin on the table and then turned to look up at me. He raised just his eyes and spoke softly. "No," he stated.

My hands were now shaking and I turned to Carlisle and Esme and said, "Excuse us please. Edward is not ready for a public outing." I turned to their son who was breathing heavily and said, "Get your ass in my car."

He rose and I followed him out the door. Every nerve in my body was screaming for him. I wanted him badly and I wanted to make him beg for forgiveness. We were a fatal combination and I needed to work off some steam. When we reached the car I took off my heels and threw them frantically across the parking lot.

"What in the hell is wrong with you," I screamed at him.

"You were ignoring me," he complained loudly.

"Oh my God," I cried and threw my hands in the air. "You selfish, spoiled bastard. I was talking to your family."

"I need you," he yelled. "Not them, me."

"I was right there Edward. I was touching you and enjoying your company. I was there damn it, I was there." My tears were flowing and I was pushing him with my hands on his chest. He reached out to hold me, totally out of character, and I smacked his arms away. "You don't get to embarrass me and then hold me, mother."

The words fell from my mouth and I quickly covered my lips with my hands. I backed up and Edward began to apologize profusely. I knew what my issues where, I had spent many years in school learning to recognize them and give them labels. This was the first time I saw them clearly. I began to cry in a way I had never cried before. I wasn't in control. I was pretending to keep from fracturing into pieces.

I felt Edward's arms encircle me and I grabbed his shirt with both fists and sobbed into his chest. I wanted so badly for him to take control, to make the decision to get me out of there and let me lean on him completely. But Edward was stuck in the shadow of his brother and needed total attention from others to make up for the lack of attention from his father.

I finally pushed away from him and said, "Get in the car, let's go home."

11

We got back to the Cullens house and we walked quietly up the stairs and into his room without turning on the light. His sheets were covered in body paint, but we didn't care. We lay on the bed and stared up at the dark ceiling. Both needed what the other could offer, but wishing we didn't.

I spoke with a broken voice and asked, "Edward, did you fall in love in Brazil?"

"I don't know how to love," he answered honestly. "But I do know I've never felt for anyone what I feel for you."

"Someone brought you back, and the only reason I can think of is if they loved you."

"When I remember Brazil I only remember the sense of floating, or drifting. I can't focus on anything except the face of the dead girl."

I sat up and looked at Edward. "Draw it for me," I told him, and he got a pad and began drawing.

The closer he came to the finished product the more his anxiety rose. He finally dropped the pencil and tucked his hands away. "All I can see is the blood. It is everywhere but I don't know where it is coming from."

"Baby, is it yours or hers? Did she hurt you too badly and wouldn't stop?"

"I don't know," he cried and rolled to his side. I picked up the picture and looked at a young face. The girl couldn't be older than twenty-two and I wondered how old she was when he met her on the island.

"Edward, do you remember the Italian brothers or their sister? They ran the place."

He looked up in shock and asked, "How do you know?"

"Do you know what sadomasochism is?" I asked and Edward sat up. "You are naturally submissive, but this is totally different. You would not have found what you were looking for there, so we need to figure out why you stayed for six years. I don't think you were allowed to leave and it may have pushed you to do something…drastic….to escape. I just don't know who brought you home."

Edward reached over to his drawer and pulled out a small baggie. He handed it to me and I looked at the small square device no bigger than my thumbnail. "What's this?" I asked.

"I cut it out of me," he said with his head down.

"What?" I asked in shock.

He rose onto his knees and pulled down his jeans. He moved his boxers to the side and showed me a handmade cut on his scrotal sack. "Did you tell anyone?" I asked him and he shook his head in the negative. "Edward, think really hard. How did you hear of the island?"

He was quiet for a long time and finally pounded on the mattress. "I know I was looking for a place to live out some fantasies, but I have no idea how I found that place."

"Okay, tell me about some of the fantasies," I pushed. "Maybe there are some clues there."

"I wanted to give myself totally to someone else's control. I wanted to experience no limits, just complete physical pleasure."

"Did you want pain?" I thought about the things I had done to Jake. He wore a few scars from bites and wax, but nothing close to Edward's scars.

"I had done intense things before," he admitted. "The pain mixed with the pleasure was intoxicating, but I don't remember being cut up. I don't remember any of it."

"Why don't you use a safe word?" I asked openly.

"I don't think I should have to. I get pleasure by giving. My partner is in charge of control, not me."

"That's the problem right there Edward. You don't feel worthy of drawing a line and demanding respect from your partner. You have no idea how amazing you are."

He shook his head and looked away from me. "I'm not," he mumbled.

"Why, tell me why you don't feel like you're amazing?"

He raised his hand and wiped away the tears as they fell down his cheek. "I heard them talking," he said slowly.

I knew he was opening up about something very painful. I remained quiet and waited for him to find his own pace. He played with the comforter and finally continued. "My dad and Emmett, I heard them talking about me. They thought I was gay. I was too close to my mother and the whole Priest thing. Rose told Emmett the entire school was talking about it. They never asked me, they just laughed at me behind my back."

"I'm sorry," I told him

"They thought I was gay or a pedophile wanting to be a Priest. They had no idea the sick things I was really imagining. The things I wanted women to do to me."

I swallowed deeply and tried to steady my voice. "Like what?"

His eyes rose to mine again and he licked his lips before speaking in a hushed voice. "I wanted to be tied up, ordered to do everything and anything until she screamed in pleasure. I wanted her to scream my name and know I gave her everything I had."

We stared at each other as the tension built. I knew he wasn't able to do what he wanted so badly, but he needed to start somewhere. "Take off my clothes," I told him.

He moved slowly and pulled my dress over my head. He ran his hands over my throat and down my shoulders as he pushed my bra straps down. I reached back and unhooked it so he removed it from my arms and tossed it to the ground. His two index fingers ran along my panties and then pulled them down my legs. I smiled and held open my arms. "Hold me," I ordered him, and we both fell back in the bed.

I remained locked in his embrace the entire night. Even in his sleep he obeyed what I asked for.

The next morning I dressed and went downstairs to find Esme sitting at the table with a worried expression. I poured some coffee and sat across from her. "Is everything okay?" I asked.

"I'm worried about Edward. He needs to move forward and think about a career," she said.

"He loves music," I told her and she rolled her eyes.

"He needs a real career, and he isn't getting any younger."

I laughed, because I was the same age as Edward and I certainly didn't feel too old for anything. "I'm not Edward's therapist as you know, but I suggest Carlisle have an open discussion with his son about some hurtful remarks Edward overheard in his teens."

"Carlisle adores his son," she said protectively.

"I don't doubt it, but Edward does."

"Edward is just….sensitive. Emmett is much more like Carlisle. Edward has always been conservative."

I took a drink from my cup and then said something to shock the shorts off of Esme. "Your son is extremely liberal in his sex life. He is a submissive, do you know what that is?"

She shook her head in confusion so I leaned forward and said, "In these types of relationships there is a Top or a Dominate, and a bottom or a submissive. They partake in bondage and sex play, pushing each other to the edge for more and more pleasure."

I could tell she was upset and I reached out to hold her hand. She was shaking and she looked up at the stairs. "Father Banner can pray for him," she cried.

"It isn't evil, Esme. It is the sexual relationship that works best for him. It can be a loving situation if the partners set limits. Edward doesn't set limits because he doesn't feel worthy of them."

"I've seen his drawings, he possessed and he needs help."

"He does need help, but not the way you mean. He needs to learn he is a wonderful man, and it is up to you and Carlisle to teach him that. You need to let him know it is okay he's not a Priest, that you love him anyway. And it is okay to be sensitive; it doesn't take away his masculinity. And Esme, there is nothing wrong with being a musician. It takes a lot of talent and you should be proud of your son's talent."

She dropped her head onto the table and cried loudly. I needed to give her time to process everything I told her. I went upstairs and found Edward putting on his shoes. "Let's go out for breakfast," I said and he nodded in agreement. When he stood I walked over and hugged him tightly. "Edward Cullen, you amaze me."

"What was that for?" he asked in surprise.

"You held me all night," I said and looked into his eyes. I could see so much of him now. His goodness made him vulnerable. "I love you," I said, putting myself totally out there.

"Will you love me forever and ever?" he asked, reverting to his childlike side.

"Yes," I laughed.

I kissed him and when I tried to pull away he held on tightly. "Bella, why….I mean, I want to be yours. Don't you want….like to…collar me?"

It was the one thing about this lifestyle I hated. It reduced a sub to an animal and I refused to do it. Jake wore a wrist chain I had given him, but it was only a fashion statement, not a sign of possession. Edward saw my hesitation and began to pout again. "Don't you want people to know I'm yours?"

"Our relationship is between us, nobody needs to know anything," I said and tried to move again.

"Is it because I'm too messed up to service you right now?" he pressed.

"Service me? God, don't make it sound like I'm some John. Edward, I actually like how slowly things are progressing. I've never had intimacy with a man like I've had with you. Holding me all night was more than I could have ever asked for. It means a lot so don't discount it."

I couldn't tell if he understood. His expression was blank so I took his hand and led him to my car. We drove to a Denny's and sat in a booth. I was looking at my menu and noticed Edward wasn't. I didn't say anything but I was going to refuse to order for him.

"Edward?" I heard someone call out. I looked over to see Tanya headed toward us. My hand automatically shot across the table and held tightly to Edward's. His face was turning pale and I prayed he didn't hyperventilate again.

"Oh, hello Dr. Swan," she said when she reached the table. "It's good to see you Edward."

He didn't respond and continued to stare forward. "It's not a good time Tanya," I said and smiled at her pleadingly.

"I won't interrupt your breakfast," she conceded. "I just wanted to say hello."

She backed away as she looked forlornly at Edward. His eyes moved to mine and he said, "I remember something. We had a big fight. She found out about my cheating."

"Are you sure? She told me she accused you of cheating because you wanted to go to Brazil."

He shook his head forcefully and said, "No, she found out about a club I went to. A private club for Dom's and subs."

I was glad he remembered something so close to the time he went missing, but it didn't match what Tanya had told me. I was deep in thought when the waitress came up to take our order. I scooted to the edge of the booth and said, "I'll have waffles and coffee. Excuse me, I'm running to the restroom." I left Edward there to order for himself or go hungry.

I took time in the restroom and when I came back there were two cups of coffee on the table. I didn't comment but Edward did. "That was low," he pouted.

"You're a grown ass man, order your food yourself," I said.

"Did you give your subs this much freedom?" he pushed, and it was the first time he asked about my past partners. I felt nervous but I couldn't lie to him, it would ruin everything if I did.

"Being a Dom gave me power; I liked the power more than the relationships. I saw how easily it can go bad if you don't set strict limits."

"Were you cruel?" he asked.

"Probably. When I couldn't look in the mirror anymore I knew it was time to get out of that life."

"I don't think you could ever hurt anyone," he announced, and I laughed at just how naïve he was.

"Edward, my sub MUST have limits. I won't be a Dom without them," I said and watched his jaw tighten.

We were one messed up pair and I had doubts for the first time we would ever work out.

12

I spent three days with Edward before Mike called to tell me everything had been arranged. He told them I was being trained specifically for him and he wanted to do the deep stuff himself. He also told them to let me leave at any time I requested it. I had to spend most of the conversation convincing him I was sure I wanted to do this. I had to know what happened to Edward and if he actually killed someone.

If I got the answers I would help him gently with his memories and if I didn't I would let it drop. But I was determined not to tell him where I was going. We were lying in bed and I was rubbing his cheek with my finger when I said, "Edward, I have to go to a seminar and I'll be gone for a few days. Then I have some work to do and I promised my father I would visit him. I won't see you for a couple of weeks."

He raised his head and looked at me. I did my best to look convincing and was stunned when he asked, "Are you seeing another sub?"

"No," I said adamantly. "We're in a relationship."

"Then why won't you collar me?" he asked again.

"I already explained why," I said angrily. "You're not my pet, you're my man."

He turned away and said, "I would feel better if we had something symbolic."

I turned away from him and mumbled, "Then buy me a ring like a real man, asshole."

He sat up again hurriedly and groaned loudly, "What does that mean?"

"It means I'm your fucking girlfriend, not your master. If you want to wear a collar so badly buy it yourself. You can tattoo a damn B on your neck if you want, but you still have to buy me a diamond."

He was quiet for a moment and then we both broke into loud laughter. I rolled over and pulled him onto me. "What am I going to do with you" I sighed.

"Whatever you wish," he said.

"You're not ready," I told him sadly.

"I want to be," he whispered.

I slowly moved my legs to circle him, holding him captive. "Do you feel my heat against you?" I asked him and he nodded. "Press against me," I moaned and he complied. "Put your hands at the side of my head and don't move them."

I reached down to release him from his boxers as I wiggled one leg out of my panties. I held him tightly with my legs and then instructed him to move very, very slowly. I stared into his eyes as we gradually connected. "Now don't move at all," I instructed and used my muscles to tighten and release to drive him crazy.

"What do you need?" he asked.

"This," I told him, "To see you loving me."

"Tell me what you're thinking," I asked him, knowing with certainty he would tell me the truth.

"I don't deserve this, you're too good for me," he said, as he held his hips still and allowed me to move for him.

I licked my lips and said in a rush. "I'm going to kiss you and you'll do what feels natural, okay?"

He nodded and I pulled his lips to mine. I put my tongue into his mouth and he rolled over, pulling me on top of him. He moved my hips with his hands and then sat up, attacking my chest as he held me tightly. I wasn't instructing him and he wasn't waiting for orders. The normalcy of it all sent me over the edge. I cried out a bit too loudly, "Oh God, Edward."

It had been a long time since I had taken a man to the edge and then backed off to prolong the experience. This wasn't anything like that. There were no game and I was simply making love to the man I loved. He grunted and let go with his own loud cries.

We collapsed together as we both lay too stunned to speak. We did it and it surprised us more than anything. I felt elated until Edward said something to ruin the entire thing. "Please collar me, I love you so much."

My heart sank and I tried to smile. "We'll talk about it when I come back," I lied.

I turned onto my side and Edward snuggled up behind me. He was asleep in the matter of minutes, but I lay awake for most of the night. I tried to imagine what was in store for me in Brazil. I also wondered what lengths I would be willing to go to for the truth.

I left as the sun rose and Edward was still asleep. I drove to San Francisco and picked up my ticket from Mike. He gave me fake documents in the name of Jessica Stanley. I now understood how Edward got there without using his own name. I packed a bag and caught a flight to Rio. Someone would pick me up there and take me to the mysterious island.

When we finally landed in Rio I got off the plane with my small bag and looked around for someone holding a sign with my name. I saw a huge man who was very good looking but quite intimidating. I approached him and announced, "I'm Jessica Stanley."

He glanced at me like he wasn't quite sure about something. I repeated my name and he said, "You're the special client's woman who needs training?"

"Yes, why does that make you perplexed?" I asked.

He shrugged and chuckled a bit. "I'm Felix. You can sit over there; I have another person to pick up."

I walked over to the chairs and sat as I watched him closely. He held up another name and stood for about ten minutes as he surveyed the people coming down the walkway. I saw the man just as Felix did. It was obvious the way he walked with his head down and his shoulders slumped.

"Damn it," I said softly. I had acted too confident, too controlled. I would have to watched it and keep my mouth shut.

Felix motioned for me to join them and when I picked up my bag I noticed the other man had nothing. He looked to be nineteen, twenty at the most, and I saw the tale tale signs of healed scars on his neck and arms.

"Hi, I'm Jess," I said and held out my hand.

The man looked mortified and mumbled, "I'm Sam."

I let my head fall and followed Felix to the waiting limo. Sam and I sat in the back and Felix got into the front to drive. We drove to the harbor and then got into a boat. It was growing dark and the city looked beautiful from offshore. We rode for almost an hour and finally pulled up to dock on an island.

I reached for my bag but Felix instructed me to leave it. We got out of the boat and into an electric car which took us to a large house. Sam and I were separated at this point and I was placed in a plush office to wait for someone. I sat still and let only my eyes scan the room.

I was brought a glass of wine and an older gentleman entered the room and sat at behind the desk. I smiled at him and his jaw tightened_. Damn it again_. I looked down at the floor and waited for him to speak.

"My name is Aro, I will be responsible for your training. You will be assigned a room that is stocked with everything you need. You will report to my office tomorrow morning for a physical. Good night," he said, and picked up a pen to begin writing.

"Am I going to be with others?" I asked, and his eyes flashed up at me angrily.

"I see we have a lot of training to do. You will miss dinner for your obstinate behavior," he said and motioned furiously toward the door. I walked out, knowing I had a bag of M&M's in my purse. A young Brazilian man was waiting for me and escorted me to my room. I heard the door lock as soon as he shut the door.

I glanced around the room that looked more like a brothel than a hotel. I found the closet full of nothing but salacious lingerie. I turned on the television which was nothing but porn channels. I sighed loudly and fell back onto the bed, hearing the sound of chains rattle.

"Oh God," I groaned, and closed my eyes. I had to force myself to focus on Edward and the reason I was there. I knew he had so much growth to do, but I wanted to be there to help him with the answers he needed to heal completely.

I got my purse and ate my candy before climbing into bed and trying to get some sleep. A bell woke me the following morning and someone knocked on the door and handed me a tray. I was supposed to shower, dress from something in the closet and show up at Aro's office.

I ate only half of the grapefruit, too nervous to eat much. I showered and made sure my legs were still waxed smooth. I dressed in a see-through black outfit with stiletto heels and went to see Aro. I knocked on the door and peeked into the room.

Aro had a whip in his hand and instant flipped it to connect with my shoulder. I cried out and fell to my knees. He walked up and grabbed me by the hair. "Did I ask you to enter?" I shook my head, making sure to keep my mouth shut. "Crawl to the desk and wait on your knees."

I did as I was instructed and when the door opened and someone else came in I forced myself to keep from turning and looking. I was approached and someone grabbed my hair again. My head was pulled up and I saw two other men looking at me. I assumed it was Aro's brothers, but nobody made any introductions.

They spoke to each other in Italian and I was pulled to my feet before the thin material was ripped from my body. I closed my eyes and tried to think of anything besides what was happening. The men played with my nipples and ran their hands over my body.

I was pushed onto the desk and one man held my leg open while another one made a small cut and inserted a device in my labia. I felt the tears falling down my face but I kept quiet. When they finished I was pushed back to the ground and told to remain kneeling.

I was then given a full physical; they took my blood pressure and pulse to see how my body responded to stress. I had mastered control years ago, but I was unsure how well my body was doing now. The men continued to speak in Italian and after an hour I was told to put on a robe and return to my room. I walked sorely back to the room and found a young woman waiting for me. She only spoke Portuguese but motioned for me to dress again.

I put on another outfit and she led me to a room that looked like a demonstrations kitchen. It had an oven and cooking appliances. She handed me a book depicting various sex play using food. I nodded and she left the room.

A few minutes later the door opened and I accidently turned to look at who entered. It was a woman with short hair and large brown eyes. I felt my heart begin to race and I gasped, "Oh my God, you're alive."

The woman appeared to know exactly what I was talking about and she reached out and locked the door quickly. She rushed to my side and slapped me hard across the face. "Don't you dare say his name," she warned me. "Never speak of him, do you understand?"

I saw what I needed to see deeply in her eyes. I had no idea went on here between them, but one thing I knew for sure, she loved Edward deeply.


	5. Chapter 13 thru 15

13

I lowered my head and remained silent as she took a few steadying breaths. She walked into the kitchen and pulled out some ingredients. I was confused as to why she was here, I wasn't interested in any lesbian activity but maybe she was there to witness something.

I waited as she sat everything onto the counter and then she finally spoke to me. "My name is Jane; I'll be teaching you the proper use of cinnamon." I tried not to laugh. I had heard about using cinnamon to make the body excretions taste better when I was in college. Did she really think I needed to know this information?

"Some don't mind the natural taste," I blurted out, and then wanted to kick myself. She sat a box down harshly and raised her eyes to glare at me. I figured the ruse was up and I might as well get as much information as I could. "Obviously I am here about Edward. You took him home, why?"

She blinked a couple of times before turning away from me. I waited and gave her time to decide if she would speak to me. She finally turned and looked at me with complete exasperation. "You won't be allowed to leave, you realize it, right?"

"Mike worked it out so I could," I said adamantly.

She shook her head and pointed at a camera in the corner of the room. "Now, you won't."

My heart began to pound and I ran for the door. It took me a few moments of fumbling to get it open and two men were waiting at the other side. One I recognized as Felix. They grabbed me around the waist and tossed me back into the room. I kicked and screamed but they were not deterred. I was set harshly on a chair and held there.

Jane came closer and said, "Now, for the lesson on cinnamon." She had a plate in her hand and she sprinkled the dark powder all over something and I was force fed. I could tell instantly it was not really cinnamon. My body began to go numb and it felt like I was floating in the air as the room twisted and turned. I couldn't focus on anything and the voices in the room where scrambled sounds.

I had moments of clarity, brief times of thought when I knew I was somewhere I shouldn't be. I was aware of being outside sometimes; even sitting by the ocean, but those times never lasted long enough to come to any decision about my situation. I was a toy for Aro, Marcus and Caius.

I woke up one morning to find Jane in my room. She handed me a trey of food just like always, but this time the cinnamon tasted like real cinnamon. I tried not to react in anyway and pretended to be floating. When I finished eating she led me into the restroom and turned on the shower.

She sat on edge of the tub and I stared down at her. "I can't help you," she said sadly.

"Why did you help Edward?" I asked.

She looked away and then finally whispered, "Because I loved him."

"He thinks he killed you," I told her and she shook her head forcefully.

"No, it was all part of her plan."

I thought I was hearing things incorrectly and leaned closer, "Who is she?"

Jane leaned in closer too and her eyes were filled with rage. She spoke in a whisper but she was almost frothing at the mouth. "She found out what he was doing. She wanted him to pay for betraying her. She paid for everything."

"Tanya?" I asked in shock.

"My brother's let me keep him, until they saw I fell in love with him. I didn't want to train anymore. I wanted to run off with him. They ordered him killed and I had to get him out of here."

"Why does he think he killed you?" I asked, as I tried desperately to connect the dots.

"It was all part of her plan to drive him insane. We replayed the roll over and over until it was part of his psyche," she admitted, and I could see the guilt all over her face. "It was later I grew to love him."

"Jane you have to help me get out of here, I am begging you to help me," I said, and my voice was rising quickly.

She shook her head and mumbled something about it being too late. I grabbed her arm to plead with her when I caught my reflection in the mirror. I gasped and fell backward when I saw my hair down past my waist. Time had passed and I had no idea how much of it I was missing. I grew hysterical and only vaguely realized when someone put a needle in my arm. The numbness returned as well as the floating sensation.

I felt someone slapping my face. I usually ignored any pain since the drugs diluted it, but this time it wouldn't stop. I opened my eyes to see a blurry face in front of me. I smiled at the angel and tried to speak, but I couldn't find any volume to my voice.

"Bella," he said, and it was the first time I could remember hearing my real name.

I tried harder to focus and finally put a name to the face I was seeing. "Jasper," I whispered and he shook his head vehemently.

"We need you to wake up, darling," he said and shook me a bit. I looked around the room to see I was on a boat, a large yacht. I tried to sit up and he helped me but the spinning was too much and I fell back again.

People were talking around me and I tried to go back to sleep, but they forced me up again. I was being helped onto the deck and into a small dingy. The water soaked my clothes and I began to shiver. Someone wrapped me in a blanket and held me as someone else rowed.

As the drugs wore off the pain became more intense. I felt like my body had been set on fire in several places. I glanced down at a specifically painful place and saw my flesh had been branded with a large V. When the motion finally stopped I was carried onto dry land and put into a vehicle. I drifted off as it sped away into the night.

I was in intense pain and only vaguely aware of traveling. We seemed to go from car to car and finally ended up on an airplane. I was moaning from the pain and heard the voice of a man offering me medication. I took it happily.

When I woke again this time I was fully awake and in terrible pain. I looked around a room I didn't recognize and tried to sit up. I was in a nightgown made of flannel but it hurt my skin so I pulled it off. I got up and walked to a window to see snow all over the ground. I was confused and thought I was hallucinating.

The door opened and a woman walked in. I scrambled to the corner determined not to let her touch me. "You need to be in bed dear," she said, and I curled into a ball. When she had touched my back I screamed in rage and she quickly backed away from me.

She left the room and I ran over to block the door with the chair. I ran back to the window and saw I was up too high to jump. I ran into the bathroom to look for some towels I could tie together and stopped when I saw myself.

I looked wild, like a feral cat. My hair was matted and dark circles were under my eyes. The part that upset me the most was all the scars over my body. I had been cut, repeatedly. I also looked emaciated, as if I had been starving recently. I tried to concentrate on a sliver of memory that would help me understand what was happening. I was without any recollection aside from my name for who I was. I couldn't connect any memory to the look of my body, nothing made sense and I felt like I had gone crazy.

Someone tried to open the door and I screamed and grabbed a brush to defend myself. "Bella, open the door," someone begged.

I moved to a corner and slid down the wall as I watched the door carefully. I heard someone hitting it hard as they tried to break it down, but I remained still. I was crying, praying they wouldn't be able to get inside when I heard a ghost.

"Bella love, its Edward, let me in."

I cried harder wishing so badly it was true. He knocked very softly and said, "Bella, trust me, let me in."

I rose unwillingly, desperate for the fantasy to be true. If I had to imagine him it was better than nothing. I pulled the chair away and the door opened slowly. I stood with my wild hair, completely naked, holding a brush in my hand.

He gasped as his eyes looked me up and down. "Oh dear God," he said, before tears filled his eyes. "What did they do to you?"

"You're not real," I stated, to keep myself from going totally insane. I was on the verge of breaking completely and only the sound of my own voice was keeping me grounded.

He took a step toward me and smiled softly, "I'm real, Bella, and I'm right here."

I shook my head because I knew if I believed it my mind was completely gone. I wasn't drugged anymore, but if I fell for this hallucination it was all over for me. "You can't be real," I cried. "If you're real, I'm crazy."

"No," he said softly. "You are not crazy, you are safe. I saved you."

I wanted desperately to believe him, but he was a sub, incapable from saving me from anything. It would be me saving him if this was real. I wiped my tears so I could see him better and tried to smile at him. It only upset him further and he came even closer.

"Edward?" I asked, and he stopped advancing.

"Yes," he replied.

"I can die now," I announced, grasping at one last favorite memory and now ready to move on.

He held out his hand gently and I looked down at his scared arms I remembered so clearly. I reached out, expecting to touch air, but felt the warmth of another human being. He pulled me into his arms and held me tenderly so he wouldn't worsen the pain I was feeling.

I inhaled sharply and closed my eyes. It was perfection and now I could let go of the fight and leave all the pain behind.

All the years I had been in charge, dependable Bella, capable of fixing everything. I had taken it to a whole new level when I took control of even my sex life, dominating anyone who dared to get close to me. I had been finally broken. Those stronger than me took my spirit away and made me weak. I needed someone strong to put me back together. I didn't know that during the two years I was gone Edward had done his own rebuilding. He was now a fortress, a stronghold for me to hide in.

Our roles were now reversed and it would take all the love we had to find an even ground to build a relationship on.

14

When I collapsed Edward picked me up and placed me back into bed. The woman I had locked from the room came in and added some salve to my cuts and checked my pulse. I could see the tension building in Edward when he finally knelt at the side of the bed and spoke softly to me.

"Love, we have to check your entire body. We need to know what we're dealing with."

"Okay," I agreed, still not believing he was real.

"Would you like me to leave?" he asked, and I shook my head back and forth.

Edward stepped back and the woman pulled down the sheets to look at me. I kept my eyes on Edward's as he watched the woman. I couldn't even tell you what she was doing to me. I had learned to keep that out of my thoughts. I did see Edward grimace several times and finally walk over to the wall and punch it forcefully.

"Don't be mad at me," I pleaded.

He rushed to my side and took my hand. "No, Bella. I could never be mad at you. I'm angry at myself for letting this happen to you."

"What happened to me?" I asked him.

"Do you remember going to Brazil?"

I felt like something was right there, just below the surface. I couldn't pull it forward, but something about his words sounded familiar. "No," I finally admitted.

He leaned over and kissed the fingers of the hand he was holding and said, "You rest. I'll be right here."

I was afraid to sleep, afraid he would disappear and a horrible reality would return. I held tightly to his hand and fought until my eyelids wouldn't remain open any further. I drifted off to sleep as he remained at my side.

When I woke again he was waiting with some food to feed me. I took a few bites but a tooth was killing me and I couldn't eat much. He called to have a dentist make a visit and had a bowl of soup sent up to me instead.

"Where am I?" I finally asked him.

"This is my house in Chicago," he smiled.

"Did I live here?" I asked him.

"No, you lived in San Francisco."

I remembered a small apartment and my office overlooking the bay. I nodded and took another drink of the Gatorade. "I'll make you a bath if you like," Edward offered and I nodded again.

He rose with his long, lean legs and walked into the bathroom. I listened as he moved things around and when he returned he held up a robe for me to wear. I sat up and he placed it around me and helped me into the bathroom and into the hot water.

Certain areas on my body stung but it eventually turned soothing so I relaxed. Edward knelt next to the tub and scooped up water with his hand and let it drizzle down my body. I found bravery with the bubbles hiding all the cuts so I asked, "Do you know who did this to me?"

"Yes," he said sadly. "You went to an island to find out what happened to me when I was there. It took me a long time to find you."

"You came and got me?" I asked.

"Jasper came to the island to purchase time with you. Once he got you on the yacht he and Emmett snuck you off. My father was waiting in Rio and brought you here."

"How did you find me?" I pushed.

He gave me a gentle smirk and pretended to be angry when he said, "Just so you know, you lied to me."

"About what?"

"You told me you were going to a seminar. When you never showed up again it did a number on me. I thought you ran out on me and I knew the only way to win you back was if I became stronger. I did some intense therapy and left for San Francisco to win you back. You weren't there."

"I'm sorry," I mumbled, not really connecting to anything he was telling me.

His smile widened and he said, "I don't just take orders anymore."

I thought he was talking about his job or something so I looked at him in confusion. He laughed and said, "I was a sub."

I gasped and asked," My sub?"

"No, you refused to collar me," he teased. I tried to remember ever collaring anyone and Edward laughed loudly. "You didn't like collars."

I smiled, because that I did remember. He reached over and put some shampoo in his hand and then soaped my hair for me. I closed my eyes and reveled in the feeling of letting someone totally care for me. It was nice for a change.

When I was finished I put the robe back on and sat on the sink as he worked the tangles from my hair. He watched my reaction to every tug and when I winced he would lighten up a bit. It took a lot of time to get it smooth and I looked down at how long my hair was.

"I need a haircut," I said.

"I'll arrange it," he replied.

"What style should I get?" I asked him.

He opened his mouth to say something and then stopped. "You can decide," he settled with. "You need to get back in bed; I'll dry your hair there."

He picked me up and put me back in the bed before getting a blow dryer and working on my hair. The warmth felt wonderful and I closed my eyes as he worked. When it finally shut off he pulled my hair back and secured it with something.

"There, all done," he pronounced.

"Thank you," I said and smiled at him. He stared at me so I asked him the big question I wanted to know. "How long was I gone?"

His own obvious discomfort made me anxious, so I tried to brace myself for his words. He finally hugged me and whispered, "Two years."

I felt the sting of tears as I tried to come to terms with his words. It felt like yesterday I had been with him. My worries had been over his recovery and keeping up with my research, but that was all over with now. I listened as he spoke softly into my ear. "Time is nothing Bella, you're here in my arms and I'll help you just as you helped me."

"How did you find me?" I asked, since he was already holding me tightly.

"My father got me in touch with Mike," he admitted. I closed my eyes, grateful he wasn't looking at me right now. I knew what Mike represented in my life and it killed me to know Edward had talked to him. He pushed me back onto the pillow and insisted I get some sleep. I didn't push for more answers; I didn't want to know right now.

When I woke again the dentist and the hair stylist was there to see me. Edward remained right by my side as I was examined, holding my hand and being supportive. I wasn't sure what to do with my hair, since I had no idea what the latest style was. I talked with the woman and decided on something simple, keeping my hair to my shoulders with layers.

Edward started the shower and I got in to get all of the hair off of me. I took the soap and scrubbed myself harshly, trying to get off some of the dirtiness I felt. I brushed my hand between my legs and felt something. I looked down and felt something implanted next to my vagina. I suddenly remembered Edward showing me something he had taken out of his body.

I left the shower running and got out to retrieve a razor blade from Edward's razor. I sat on the toilet and cut myself to remove the small piece of metal from me. Edward walked in and gasped when he saw all the blood. "I found this," I said, holding up the tiny square.

Edward grabbed a cloth to stop the bleeding and then took it from my hand. "I know what it is now," he told me. "It is a vibration device that is remote controlled."

I stared at him as my body froze. Someone implanted that into me and I had no idea who or why. I felt Edward wrap a warm towel around me and he carried me back to the bed. I was totally at his mercy, and something I would have never allowed before. I also loved how assertive he was and how naturally he cared for me. I wanted to ask him to kiss me, but I didn't want to start something we couldn't finish. It wasn't just the fresh cut I had made, but the very thought of sexual contact sickened me.

This time when Edward dried my hair it took a lot less and he left it down instead of pulling it back. I got under the covers, still nude with a rag between my legs.

"Are you hungry?" he asked.

"A bit," I admitted.

"We need to get some protein into you. How do eggs sound?" He ran his hand down my face and I smiled at his tenderness. I nodded at the sound of eggs and then held his palm tightly to my face. I hated to watch him leave the room. I felt like he was the link to my sanity.

"I'll be right back," he promised and I finally let him go. He was gone only a few minutes when I heard a soft knock on the door. I looked over to see Alice peering in at me.

"May I come in?" she asked.

"Sure," I replied and tightened the covers around me.

Alice's eyes widened and she said in astonishment, "He's keeping you naked?"

I felt myself blush and I instantly began explaining. "I was bleeding so I'm applying pressure to a wound. My nightgown is over there."

She picked it up off the footboard and brought it up to me. I held it with my hand but didn't attempt to put it on. I was a bit confused as to why Alice would be in Chicago, but with a two year gap in my memory I didn't bring it up.

"What's new?" she asked, and it made me laugh. Alice was always so chipper and I was happy she was here.

"Well, I got a haircut and medication for a tooth infection," I announced.

"That's a positive," she said and offered me a high five.

"How are you and Jasper?" I asked, hoping she didn't realize I hadn't asked about what was new with them. I was afraid to hear definite proof of how long I was gone.

"Eh, you know men; you love them and hate them at the same time."

"I can't imagine ever hating Edward," I admitted like a smitten schoolgirl.

"Well, he is a lot more tolerable after you changed him, I have to admit." I gave her a confused look since I had no idea what she meant. She smiled at me and said, "He got strong for you. He loved you enough to change."

"I did nothing," I admitted, "It is all his hard work and I'm glad he did it or I would still be lost."

"You are way too important to just end up as some Jane Doe," she said and my mind felt like a bolt of lightning hit it.

I grabbed my head as I cried out and then looked at Alice with a terrified expression. "Oh my God," I yelled. "Jane, I remember Jane."

"Who is Jane?" Alice asked me.

"She was there on the island. She helped Edward escape because she loved him."

It was all I could remember, but the thought of another woman loving Edward sent me into panic mode. I grabbed Alice's hand and made her swear not to say anything. I couldn't tell Edward about a woman he loved and watch him walk out on me. I was too desperate for him to care for me and let me lean on him. I needed his strength now more than anything, so I would lie to him to keep it.

15

I slowly began to regain my strength. When I called my mother and father, Edward was right there with me. I was experiencing horrible nightmares and Edward remained in my room to wake me softly and tell me everything would be okay. I grew to depend on him more and more.

One morning I woke up to hear beautiful music coming from downstairs. I got out of bed and followed the sound to a small music room, where Edward sat playing the piano. His eyes were closed and I stood in the doorway to listen to him.

When the song finished I clapped and he looked over at me. I smiled but he looked at me with intense love and desire. Something about his look seemed familiar. I walked toward his bench and he scooted so I could sit down.

"You are a wonderful musician," I told him honestly.

"Thank you," he said and then swallowed.

"I should think about going back to work," I said, and played with a couple of keys.

"There's no hurry," he said, and I thought I heard fear in his voice. "Would you like to go outside today?"

I glanced at the window and felt terrified of anything and everything outside that house. I shook my head and went back to playing with the keys. Edward put his hand out to rest on mine and I looked up at him.

"Bella, I think you should get some fresh air. I'll be with you the entire time."

I had been reduced to hiding in a house and afraid of the world. I looked back at the window and finally agreed to a short outing to see the neighborhood. I got dressed in some flannel pajama pants and a sweatshirt. Edward put his coat on me and led me to his car.

The air was crisp and the wind cut through me like a cold knife. I shivered and Edward tightened his hold on me. He turned the air up to full heat and backed out of the driveway. "This was my grandfather's home. He left it to me in his will."

I looked back at the house which was stark white and surrounded by large old oak trees. It looked like a relic from the past when things like Doms and subs didn't exist publicly. I glanced at Edward and smiled at how handsome he was. A collar would ruin his naturally good looks and I was grateful I had done at least one thing right.

"What are you thinking?" he asked.

"How happy I am you don't have a collar," I replied honestly.

He chuckled and then added, "I won't make you keep any unintentional commitments to me. You're free to leave when you're ready."

"No, I didn't mean it like that," I said quickly. "I want to be here, with you, I don't want to leave, ever."

He held my hand as he drove and pointed out various landmarks. I stared out the window at the people walking in the cold weather. They had lives to live and people who loved them. How do people disappear for years without it causing a huge uproar? It could only happen if they were doing something they wanted to keep quiet from friends and family. My lifestyle made it possible to be victimized because I lived in secret.

"I'm sorry," I said as I continued to stare.

"About what?" Edward asked.

"For dominating you, it was….stupid."

"Don't apologize; I did some pretty stupid things myself. I learned in therapy I didn't need to be submissive to be accepted by people. I needed to be assertive and give myself a voice. I actually wanted to be like you," he admitted, and it hurt my heart to hear him say it.

The last thing I would ever want is Edward to be like me. I was selfish and called it control so I could protect myself from rejection. It didn't make me strong, it made me belittle others. I now felt so far out of control that I needed him to make every decision for me.

"I'm not strong," I said weakly. "It was all a game and now look at me."

"It will get better Bella, I promise. It took me a long time to understand I wouldn't know what happened to me. I hated having a blank spot in my life, but I've learned to live with it."

I sighed and asked him to pull over. I had a piece of the puzzle for him and it wasn't fair to keep it to myself because I was afraid of losing him. He pulled into a church parking lot and turned off the car. I turned to lean against the window. He looked worried and I smiled to ease his mind.

"Edward, on the island you were in a relationship with a woman named Jane. The girl in the drawing is Jane and you didn't kill her."

"Jane?" he asked and tried to place the name with some memories. I felt my eyes fill with tears and he reached out to wipe them with his thumb. "Why are you crying?"

"Because you belong to her, not me," I said sadly.

"No," he said firmly. "I wouldn't forget someone I loved. I never forgot you Bella. I couldn't have loved Jane, it isn't possible."

"But she is alive," I pointed out.

"I'm not sure you aren't struggling with jumbled memories. I know for certain I killed her. I remember it clearly," he said and let his head fall.

I tried to remember something firmly to prove I had not imagined the woman and given her a name when none existed. I closed my eyes and focused on her face. I watched in my mind as she spoke and put something on the food. I suddenly yelled, "Cinnamon."

Edward's face paled. He looked at me as he repeated the word. It meant something and neither of us could place it. I grabbed his hands and practically climbed into his lap. I was terrified and I felt like I could be pulled back to the island at any moment. "I'm scared," I said in tears.

"I won't let anything happen to you, I promise. She can't hurt us anymore," he said, but his words didn't sit right with me, something was off and I couldn't pin point what it was.

"Let's go back to the house," I said, and he turned and started the engine.

He made us some coffee when we got home and I sat next to the fireplace and tried to stop the trembling. He sat next to me and pulled me into his arms as he rubbed mine furiously. "All better?" he asked.

"Yes, much better," I admitted, and rested my head on his chest.

He hummed softly and I turned my head to look up at him. He moved slowly, hesitantly, as if I would freak out at any moment, to kiss me. I watched as his mouth came closer and the anticipation build. I felt a small desire to tell him to hurry, but it faded and when his lips touched mine it was perfection.

It was a passionate kiss, but not one that built into need. It grew as we connected, saying all the words neither one of us had said. I loved this man with my entire damaged heart. I let my fear of Jane slip away, because he now knew about her and he was still here. If he had any hope he hadn't killed her, my news would have been a beacon for him.

When we finally parted Edward had a huge grin on his face. "What?" I asked.

"I've wanted to do that every since you arrived," he admitted. "I just wasn't sure it was appropriate."

I laughed at his wording and said, "When have I ever done what is appropriate?"

"Don't be so hard on yourself," he said and touched my nose with the tip of his finger.

I grabbed his finger and said, "Do you have a therapist here I could see."

He nodded enthusiastically and then picked up a phone and dialed a number. He set me up an appointment for that very afternoon. I had hope for the first time I could heal from all of the scars, emotionally and physically.

I headed upstairs and got dressed in some real clothing. I wanted to look professional but Alice had only gotten me some casual clothing. It felt funny to be fully dressed after wearing such suggestive clothing for so long. I had no memory of the actual outfits, but the fabric covering me felt strange.

I ate some food and when it was time to leave Edward pulled me into his arms before opening the door. "Bella, today will be difficult, but remember I love you."

I remembered trying to comfort him as he struggled to remember and it made me smile. "I love you, too."

We went to the office of Dr. Harper, a middle aged man who practiced with his wife. She was there also and planned to sit in on the session. I was a little shocked when they asked Edward to leave. I watched him go as a sinking feeling entered my stomach.

"Edward and I experienced the same thing. Why can't he stay?" I asked.

"How do you know?" Dr. Harper asked me. "You both have missing memories."

"Because we both went to the island for the same reasons, our sexual…preferences. I was pretending to be a sub and he was….." I actually couldn't remember exactly why Edward had gone to the island.

The man spoke up and said, "Edward thinks he went there to experience sexual liberation."

I nodded as I remembered but something was telling me it wasn't so.

"It doesn't mean you both found what you were looking for. Do you know what happened to Edward?" he asked outright.

"He didn't kill the woman he thought he did," I said, hoping I wasn't saying too much. "I met her and talked to her."

"Why would they want him to think he killed her?" he asked, obviously not knowing this part of the story.

"Maybe it was some sort of kinky slash thing. It heightened the experience for him," I suggested.

"Did she tell you this?" he pressed.

I tried desperately to remember and said, "I think so."

The woman stood and walked to the door to ask Edward to join us. For a moment I thought the session was over, but she asked him to sit next to me. Dr. Harper asked us both to close our eyes and then said, "Edward, think of the name Jane. Let your mind concentrate on that name. Bella, describe the woman."

"Um okay," I said nervously. "She was small; she looked so much younger than her age."

"Why do you think that?" Dr. Harper interrupted.

"Because she was….younger," I said as something fell into place. "Younger than her brothers," I said with conviction.

"I killed her," Edward blurted out with his eyes still closed. "They told me I killed her and blood was everywhere."

"Who told you?" Dr. Harper asked Edward.

"Her brothers," he answered. He was fidgeting in his seat as he remembered things his mind had tried to block forever. I held still as my own memories began to flash like a movie running too quickly.

"I tried to save her but they pulled me away and called me a killer," he cried.

"Who pulled you away? Look at the face and tell me who it is," Dr. Harper instructed.

It was quiet for only a moment and Edward finally yelled out, "Aro Volturi."

The name brought a face into my mind, an older man with thin skin and a sickening smile. I could smell his breath and feel his hands on me. My body began to hurt from the things he was doing to me and the devices he was putting onto me. I tried to move away from him, but his hand grabbed me. His knobby fingers were circled around my wrist and I screamed as loud as I could for Edward. Then everything turned to black.


	6. Chapter 16 thru 18

I didn't want these memories. I wanted them to stay hidden in my mind so I would never have to deal with them. I was a trained psychiatrist, but this was too much for me. I opened my eyes to see Edward looking down at me. My Edward, so perfect, and I felt dirty. I rolled to my side and he pulled me back to face him.

"No Bella, don't pull away from me. This happened to us, you're not alone in this."

"It happened because we went looking for it. This was the world we existed in and look what happened," I cried.

I expected him to yell at me or try to make me focus on something else, but he shocked me by smiling. "Yes," he said with a grin. "Look what happened, we're together. I am the only man to understand you and you are the only woman to understand me. I would take all the torture again just to end up with you."

"Edward, Jane is not dead. I didn't imagine her; I met her and spoke to her."

"Okay," he said softly, but I could tell he didn't believe me.

I looked over at Dr. Harper and asked if there was any way he could get deeper into our memories. We needed to do this together to come to the truth of what happened. Edward had fixed all the problems from his childhood, but not from the issues of what happened on the island. I knew it was going to be stressful and could possibly tear us apart, but I would do it for Edward. He deserved to know the truth and it was the only way to get at it.

He asked us to sit on the sofa again and he leaned in very closely as we huddled together for strength. "I want you to focus on the name Aro Volturi. I want you to see his face and stare at it, don't look away."

I could see the vile man in my mind. He always dressed in a dark robe which made his skin look transparent. His fingernails were long and he used them to inflict pain. I felt Edward shudder next to me and it broke my concentration. I looked at him and saw the torment on his face.

"I'm right here," I whispered and his arms tightened around me.

"I was drugged," Edward announced with conviction.

"Yes," I gasped. "The cinnamon was some sort of drug. But you tested clean," I pointed out.

"It is a natural hallucinogen," he remembered. "A test wouldn't look for it and there are no withdrawals."

"Why did they use it?" I questioned and closed my eyes as I tried to remember more.

"So we wouldn't fight the things they did to us. It made us compliant."

"If you were compliant you couldn't have killed Jane," I pointed out and Edward turned to look at me.

I opened my eyes and he said softly, "I didn't love her, I didn't."

I nodded and then added, "But she loved you very much." I finally saw a memory clearly in my mind. "She brought you back. She was the one to rescue you off the island."

I saw Edward's eyes water and he struggled to remember Jane as a savior and not as a woman he tortured and killed. I wasn't sure if he remembered or not, but he said, "I didn't kill her."

"No," I smiled, "You didn't."

He glanced down at the V on my arm and I saw anger rise in his face. "My father can remove that," he offered.

I smiled and said, "I considered having it made into the word VICTORY."

He looked closer and said, "Is there any way to turn it into an E?"

I pushed him back and laughed. If I refused to collar him there was no way I was going to be branded with his initial. Dr. Harper let us relax for a moment and then got us both a notebook to write in. He instructed us to write down any memory we had, no matter how disturbing. We would delve deeper in sessions.

Edward laughed and nudged my leg. "What is the deal with shrinks and notebooks?"

"Just write, don't ask questions," I teased. I actually liked the idea of getting the awful things out of my head and into something tangible I could throw or rip up. It made perfect sense to me.

We headed home and the day felt lighter in some way. It was still cold and windy, but sun and warmth was on the way, I could feel it. Edward asked if I would mind having company for the weekend. He had invited his family and thought it would be great support for us. I had to admit I was anxious to see how his interactions changed with them.

Carlisle and Esme arrived first. Edward greeted them and it was Carlisle who hugged him before Esme had a chance. They spoke to each other softly and then Carlisle walked over to hug me. He smiled and said as we embraced, "You look much better than when I last saw you."

"Thank you for your assistance," I said, not sure exactly how much time we spent together.

Esme came next and held me for several moments. She hugged me like a mother hugs a daughter and it felt new. I wiped my tears and tried to keep it together. We sat down and Edward and Carlisle followed. It was quiet for a moment and Edward brought up the scar.

"Dad, Bella has something on her arm that needs to be removed."

I self-consciously covered the spot with my hand so Carlisle came over to look closer. He smiled up at me and said, "That will be removed quite easily. Are there any other places?"

I shook my head and he went back to his seat before speaking again. "We need to make some decisions. Are we going after these people to have them locked away?

My heart dropped. I was afraid and not just for my own safety. What if Edward saw Jane and remembered he did love her? Then there was the idea of my father finding out what my private life was really like. I couldn't risk it.

"No," I said loudly. "It would be impossible to prove they were holding us against our will."

Edward looked at me in shock. "No it wouldn't," he said loudly.

"You don't just go after people like them," I said as my voice rose. "We're lucky to get away, would you rather be dead?"

"So we ignore them?" he yelled.

I stood up as I felt my heart pounding and my knees shaking. "Yes, we ignore them. We do everything in our power to forget about them. I'm not losing one more day to their…."

"Domination?" Edward asked.

My mouth fell open and I looked at him with anger. Did he really think I was capable of being a Dom after experiencing what I had? I hated myself for how I used to live and him questioning me made it that much worse.

"No," I said softly. "I'm like you now."

He stood to face me, towering over me, and said, "No, you aren't. I don't take orders anymore."

It was all right there in front of us. Edward was the dominate partner now and I was waiting for him to tell me what to do. I was his sub and the thought turned my stomach. I sat back down and Edward's jaw tightened as if he wanted me to stand back up until he gave me permission to sit. I looked away and he finally sat back in his chair.

The day took on a new tenseness and I worried about having his family here for the weekend. Esme finally took my shopping to get me away from it all. I picked out a few things and when we sat for some coffee she said, "I think we came too soon. You and Edward need more time."

I shook my head and took a deep breath. "Edward and I can't talk about the deep issues because we aren't sure what they are. We've both changed and we're strangers now."

"I think you need to start at the beginning, find out who you are now and if you still have an attraction to each other."

"Esme, he changed everything for me, and I went through hell for him. I can't just discount that."

She smiled at took hold of my hand. "I happen to think my son is pretty terrific and I would much rather you love him for who he is now instead of out of guilt. I'm sure he would agree too."

"He's been so wonderful to me," I admitted with my own smile. "He really is an amazing man."

"Tell him, not me," she pushed, and I finally nodded. It was nice to have some motherly advice. My mother would have agreed with anything I said, and I appreciated Esme being forthright with me. She was such a great woman and I admired her immensely.

We headed home and when we arrived Emmett and Rose were there with little Edward. Emmett has his arm around Edward and he waved at me as I entered the room. I smiled and waved back and then nodded to Rosalie. She walked across the room and gave me a hug. I was a bit stunned.

"Emmett told me everything. I am so sorry that happened to you," she said with strong sentiment.

I glanced at Emmett and wanted to flip him off for telling her everything, especially since I didn't know everything myself. We all sat down and Rose asked to see what I purchased. I was a bit embarrassed when she pulled out a package of granny panties. She held them up with raised eyebrows.

"I needed something comfortable," I said with uneasiness.

Everyone began to laugh except Edward, he watched me until I finally gave him my full attention. He looked worried and I wondered if it wasn't something more than just the panties. We stared at each other from across the room and he finally nodded toward the hallway.

"Excuse me," I said and stood. "I'm going to run to the restroom and I'll be right back."

I left the room and waited upstairs for Edward. He came after just a few moments and shut the door behind him. I was expecting him to ask about the underwear and I had my answers all prepared. But he didn't. He stayed close to the door and spoke softly. "Bella, may I take you on a date tonight?"

My only experience with dating was playrooms and intense sexual activity. I knew it was something I couldn't participate in and I wondered why Edward would ask me to do it so soon. I opened my mouth and he chuckled and said, "I thought so."

I felt like he was mocking me and my anger grew. He took a step toward me and I backed up unintentionally. He stopped advancing and said, "I want to take you on a real date. A date normal couples go on. I know you need time to heal and I am not going to do anything to ruin your recovery. I want to date you Bella Swan, not have sex with you."

I burst into tears because a few years ago I would have laughed at the idea of a normal date. It would have been repulsive to me. It was just what I needed now and Edward knew it. He held his arm out, remaining back, so I took his hand and pulled him close.

"I need you Edward. I've never needed a man before," I confessed. I wasn't talking about passion. I depended on him to keep me grounded and moving forward. The one thing I swore I would never do with a man, yet here he was when I needed him the most.

"I want you to need me," he said and we connected in our first kiss filled with passion.

17

Alice and Rosalie helped me get ready for the date. I was put in a short dress with high heels and I felt beautiful, not sexy. My hair was styled and I had my makeup perfectly applied before the nerves set in. I didn't know how to have a simple date, and this was a lot more than just a simple date. This was our attempt to be normal and see if it was even possible.

When Edward knocked on my door I was ready to cancel the whole thing. "Don't be nervous," Alice said, "Because I'm nervous enough for the both of you."

I laughed and looked at her, "Why are you nervous?"

"Because this is all so romantic and Edward was such a wuss before and now he's so manly and I want it all to be so perfect…."

"Alice, shut up," Rose instructed, and she instantly closed her mouth.

They walked to the door and opened it, exiting before Edward could enter. I stood nervously and watched his eyes widen with happiness. "My God, look at you," he said, and I tried to smooth my dress.

He had on jeans and a grey shirt with a jacket. I realized then Alice had color coordinated my dress to his shirt. "You look very handsome," I said to compliment him.

"And you look beautiful," he said and pulled a single rose from behind his back. I took it and saw how it shook in my nervous hand. Edward held out his arm and I took hold of it as we walked downstairs.

The entire family was waiting for us and it felt like a prom date. Edward groaned and told his family to cut it out. I just smiled and enjoyed the support. We headed downtown and stopped to eat at a fancy steakhouse. The conversation was limited so we both ordered a drink to relax.

"I've written quite a bit in my notebook," he said, "How about you?"

"A little," I confessed.

"May I share some of it with you?" he asked and I prayed he didn't ask me to do the same.

"Is it what normal people do on a date?" I asked, to hopefully deter him.

"It's important," he said adamantly so I nodded in approval. "I finally realized why I would be willing to go to a place like that, what I had been searching for. I was wrong to think it was sex I needed to be consumed by, it was love. I had never experienced love so I didn't know what it was supposed to feel like."

I forced myself to remain steady and I said, "Edward, I think you found love. You stayed for six years; she had to mean something to you."

"You stayed for two and we had to rescue you off the island. Did you find love?"

I could tell I angered him and it wasn't what I meant to do. I was feeling insecure and unworthy of his love and it was making me push him away.

"You need to read my notebook," he said angrily and took a drink. "Then tell me I was in love."

I leaned closer across the table and said, "Edward, what If I go back to being a Dom, are you going to let me order you around?"

"No," he said without any hesitation, and then smiled wickedly, "Well, maybe you can spank me a time or two."

I laughed and sat back. He was determined this would work for us so I needed to trust him, do something I had never done before and put my faith in a man.

"Promise you won't break my heart?" I asked jokingly, but most likely more seriously than I knew.

"I'll cherish it," he said and raised my hand to kiss it.

We ate our meal and went to a movie before arriving home after midnight. Most first dates don't end with the couple back at the same bedroom. I used the restroom first and brushed my teeth. Edward went in after me so I put on my nightgown and got into bed. We had seen each other naked, but never after a date before.

When he came out of the bathroom he was only wearing his boxers. I tried not to look interested. I messed with the comforter and readjusted my pillow. I finally looked up to see him looking at me.

"Would you rather I sleep somewhere else?" he asked.

"Don't be silly," I said and scooted over.

He got into bed and leaned onto his elbow and smiled at me. "What?" I asked.

"Are you going to let me kiss you goodnight?"

I rolled my eyes at him and said, "I don't kiss on the first date." I usually tied the man up on the first date, but I left that part out.

He took hold of my chin with his thumb and forefinger and gently planted a kiss on my mouth. It was slow and steady and I found myself leaning in so he couldn't break our connection. His hand moved to my shoulder and then down my back to pull me tightly against his body, lining us up perfectly, and sending my body into reflexive movements.

He rolled onto me and I wrapped my legs around him. He ran his hand down my leg and to my inner thigh. The feel of his hand shot panic through my body. I pushed him as I struggled to get out from under him. He moved away quickly and I jumped out of the bed.

"I want you to sleep somewhere else," I demanded.

"Okay," he said as he tried to calm down. He hesitated as if expecting me to change my mind but I remained against the wall until he got out of the bed and left. I then sat on the edge of the bed and tried to rid my mind of the memory of Aro and his brother's hands all over me.

I looked at the nightstand and saw Edward's notebook. I reached over and picked it up.

_I didn't hate it, how do I tell Bella that at the time I didn't hate it? I was tortured and found pleasure from it. I thought I was a killer and I'm terrified I enjoyed that too. The thought of them doing to Bella what they did to me is the only anger I can find within myself. I've changed, and I now see how messed up I was, but I don't feel the revulsion Bella feels._

For the first time I let my mind go fully to a memory. I sat in the bed and thought about a game Aro liked to play. I only felt the pain now, since I was so drugged at the time. I watched myself move sloppily as if watching a movie. My head fell back and I said, "Don't touch me you bastard. I didn't give you permission."

Was I sickened by them because I wasn't in control? Would I do the same things to Jake or Edward and call it love? I couldn't answer my own question and it brought tears to my eyes. I picked up my own notebook and began to write more honestly. I also saw what I needed to do to put myself back together completely. I needed to go home and fix things with my parents.

The next morning Edward knocked on the door to find me packed and ready to leave. His expression caused me pain so I looked away. "I need to go deal with my childhood, like you did. It is the only way we'll work things out."

His mouth fell open and he said, "I'll go with you."

"No," I pleaded. "I have to do this alone."

He stood perfectly still and finally said, "I'm losing you, aren't I?"

"Yes," I told him honestly. "You are losing the broken, weak Bella, and I hope to bring a healthy woman back to you."

He glanced out the window as if he was trying to decide if he should say something or not. I waited for him to decide and he turned back to me. "Bella, if you're not certain about me, don't come back."

I was at a fork in the road and I had no idea which way I was going to turn. Edward had already faced that fork and came toward me, I couldn't promise the same. I picked up my small bag and walked to stand at his side. "You're the only man I've ever loved," I whispered.

"Take your time, I'll be here waiting," he said, and I loved him even more for it.

I left the room and found Jasper in the hallway. I asked him for a ride to the airport and he looked stunned but agreed. I got into his car and we drove in silence until he said, "Why are you leaving?"

"I have to fix my past if I want a future," I confessed.

"I'm sorry," he said sadly.

I turned to face him and asked, "How did you get me on the yacht?"

"My father is a Georgia State Senator. I used his identity for a secret meeting with one of the brothers. Caius isn't nearly as evil as his brothers."

I searched my brain for anything so I could disagree or concur and I remembered someone was always there to put salve on my cuts and to wash the blood off of me. "Is he the youngest one?" I asked, and Jasper nodded.

"He wouldn't let me take you to the mainland but said I could use their yacht. I'm assuming he knew I would sneak you away somehow and was allowing it to happen."

"He must have helped Jane save Edward," I said, and then remembered the phone call from a stranger about Edward's prognosis.

"Bella you were so drugged, I don't want you to have guilt, there was nothing you could do to fight them," he said to assure me, but it hurt more.

"Jasper, it is my past that I can't face, not the island. I need to deal with my past and then deal with those people."

"Well, hurry back, Edward loves you," he said to plunge the knife further.

He dropped me off at the airport and I went to the counter and purchased a ticket to Phoenix, Arizona. I hadn't seen my mother in some time and only talked to her once since I returned. She would be shocked to see the condition I was in, but it would help emphasize the conversations we needed to have.

I rented a car and drove to her home. I noticed a large four-wheel drive vehicle in the driveway and knew she had a man over. I knocked forcefully and waited for her to come to the door. I felt an overwhelming desire to stand tall and walk inside with authority, but I curbed the urge and leaned against the doorframe for support.

The door opened wide and a young man close to my age stood looking at me in only his boxers.

"Is Renee here?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"She's busy," he replied and scratched himself.

She was always busy, and usually with men much younger than her. I felt tears sting my eyes and I said, "Could you tell her Bella's here." I wasn't sure if I should mention I was her daughter, unless she was trying to convince the guy she was in her thirties.

He looked me up and down and I felt my arms move in front of my body in an attempt to shield myself. "Come in," he said and I picked up my bag and walked into the familiar house.

He picked up and cigarette and looked me up and down again as he lit it. "You can join us in the bedroom if you like?"

I closed my eyes, realizing why I had become so dominate in my nature and said, 'No thank you, can you get Renee?"

He walked down the hallway slowly as the little girl locked inside of me waited anxiously for her mother to come into the room. I needed her to pull me into my arms and tell me everything was okay now. She would take care of me and make sure I was safe.

I heard footsteps coming down the hallway and I closed my eyes as I waited in anticipation.

18

The first time I stood up to one of my mother's boyfriends was at the age of twelve. I had seen many come and go by that time and knew if I got rid of one another would take his place. This time the guy tried to climb in my bed during the middle of the night. He was drunk and said he lost his way.

I jumped out of my bed and said as severely as possible, "Get out of my room and never come in here again." He obeyed and it felt powerful. It was the catalyst for the changes I made in my mind. I became assertive, especially with men, and none of them bothered me ever again.

I opened my eyes and prepared myself to explain why I had come; expecting to see my mother, but it was the same young man. "She said she's busy," he relayed.

I couldn't believe she would not even get out of the bed to see me. It wasn't like we lived in the same city and it had been years since I saw her in person. Hot tears stung my eyes and I nodded and picked up my bag. "I'm her daughter," I explained to him.

"No shit," he said back.

"No shit," I repeated, and then walked out the door. I drove back to the airport and got a flight to Seattle. It was dark when I arrived and I made the long trip to Forks and then slept in my car instead of waking my father.

I jumped when I heard a soft knock on my car window. "What are you doing?" he asked in his no nonsense way. There wasn't a hello or a concern for where I had been, he just wondered why I was sleeping in the car in front of his house.

"I didn't want to wake you," I said, and then stretched.

"Well, I'm awake, come on in," he offered.

We entered through the back door and Charlie poured a cup of fresh coffee. I did the same and sat across from him at the table. He tapped his fingers on the table nervously so I got to the point. "I want to get to know my father," I announced.

"What does that mean?" he asked with an offended tone.

"Let's be honest dad, we are pretty much strangers. I feel like I missed having a father and I want to fix it."

"I paid support and I paid for your college," he said, totally missing what I was trying to tell him.

I let my head fall to the table in exasperation. I couldn't expect my parents to understand unless I got real with them. I needed something and I would ask for it openly for once. I raised my head and said, "Dad, I'm messed up really badly. I was a Dominatrix in my relationships because I couldn't let men get to my heart. You never taught me to trust men."

I was surprised when he got tears in his eyes and he rubbed them furiously. He took a deep breath and said, "I guess I have my own demons too. When your mother left I pretty much shut down emotionally."

"It had nothing to do with you, dad. Mom is too erratic to stick anything out for more than a few months. She stayed with you for four years; it showed she must have loved you."

"She said I trapped her in Forks, I never wanted you to feel that way," he said and sniffed a couple of times.

"I thought I had to be tough because it was what you expected of me. I wanted to be like you, because being like mom wasn't an option."

He got up out of his chair and came over to my side of the table. I looked up at him and he pulled me into his arms. I cried loudly, unable to contain the emotions it elicited in me. He held the back of my head with his hand and let me cry out my heartbreak. "I love you Bella, I really do."

"Can I stay for a few weeks?" I asked him with desperation.

"Of course," he answered. "I have the day off, do you feel like fishing?"

I laughed, knowing I was going to hate it but willing to do anything to spend more time with him. I changed my clothes and we loaded up his truck with supplies and hooked up the boat trailer. We spent the entire day on the lake, talking about everything under the sun. We built a large fire and fried the fish on the shore. It was an amazing day.

We got home as the sun was setting and after unloading everything Charlie gave me a big hug and thanked me for the day. Then he added, "Go shower, you stink."

I didn't feel like he was giving me a command and I didn't feel like I was being obedient. It was a father and a daughter teasing each other. I felt like I had finally come home. I showered and spent the evening watching a game with Charlie on the television. The day had been absolutely perfect.

I had been there for four days when I finally told my father about Edward. I wanted fatherly advice and he listened intently to what I had to say. He was quiet the entire time and then said, "Honey, I think you deserve a wonderful man, is this guy wonderful?"

"He's amazing," I said honestly, "But he had his own sexual problems."

Charlie scrunched his nose and covered his ears. "No, don't say anything else," he begged.

"I'm really proud of him. You should have seen him when I first met him. He was so timid and weak, now he's a confident man who seems to love me," I smiled.

"Of course he loves you," Charlie said. "I want you to know I loved your mother with all my heart. I still love her, but I can't make her happy. Can this guy make you happy?"

I thought about his question and then said, "I think he is the only man who can."

"There's your answer," he said as if solving a case.

I laughed and looked right into his eyes. "I'm going to miss you, dad."

"You're not leaving are you?" he asked in shock.

"No yet," I promised. "I like being daddy's girl."

It was exactly how I felt and it was just what I needed to experience. It nurtured the little girl who felt rejected for so many years. I couldn't even imagine dominating a man now. The hole in my soul was being slowly filled.

On my last night in Forks my father took me to dinner at the lodge. He introduced me to everyone who walked through the door. He held my hand the entire night and when the band played, Stealing Cinderella, my father asked me to dance. I cried through the entire song because I never had childhood memories of my father, but he was holding me now and that meant the world to me.

I knew I had to try again with my mother. I had to find a way to connect with her to heal my soul. I didn't expect us to be best of friends, but I had to know she loved me. I flew back to Arizona, aching for Edward and hoping I could return to him soon.

I showed up at the house again and this time my mother answered the door. She looked around as if expecting someone else. "Hello mother," I said with trepidation.

"Is anyone with you?" she asked.

"No, why?"

"A man's been calling for you. I told him you came but left again."

"Was it Edward?" I asked, still standing on the porch.

"I don't know, he didn't say," she said, without asking me in.

"Can we talk for a while?" I asked her.

She finally moved out of the way so I could come into the house. I sat on the couch and she headed into the kitchen. I groaned and followed her and watched as she got a Pepsi and tried to open the can. I reached out and took it from her and opened it before handing it back. I wanted to slap myself.

"Mom, this is what I want to talk about. Why do I have to be the mother in order to have a relationship with you?"

"You've always been too mature for your own good," she said to dismiss her own behavior.

"Do you want to be married again?" I asked her.

"Men like Charlie are hard to find," she said regretfully.

"You had him, but you walked away," I pointed out.

"He wanted me to live in Forks. Do you have any idea how boring it is there?"

"I was there for two weeks and cried when I had to leave," I said to shock her. "It was being with dad I loved, not the town. Don't you get tired of this, going from guy to guy?"

"I try to make them stay, but men aren't like that anymore," she said as her eyes filled with tears.

"Good men are," I insisted. "Mom, you don't give yourself any respect. I thought if I had all the control men couldn't hurt me like they did you, but you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you. I'll go to therapy with you, but I really believe you need some help."

"Will you set it all up?" she asked, and I was so tempted to nod in agreement.

Instead I said, "No, but I'll help you set it up."

She smiled and then hugged me tightly, telling me how happy she was I came. I got my first test when the doorbell rang that evening. I answered to see a tattoo covered man standing with his shirt wide open.

"Is Rea Rea home?" he asked, and it sickened me. This was the typical man my mother would waste her time on. He would show up when he wanted money or sex and leave without saying goodbye. I never got my mother's attraction to guys like this, but I hoped she wasn't going to let this guy in.

"My mother is busy," I said. I had so much more I wanted to add, but my mother had to learn to stand up for herself and I couldn't put myself in charge of her life again.

He looked at me for a moment and then yelled out loudly, "Hey, Renee, come here." The old Bella would have grabbed him by the shirt and told him exactly where to shove it, but I never felt the urge to do anything close to it.

I remained quiet and continued blocking the door until my mother came into the room. She looked at me with wide eyes and I knew she wanted me to handle it. "Mom, do you want to go with him or watch a movie with me like you promised?"

"Um…movie?" she asked, as if it was a test question and she wasn't sure she answered correctly.

"I have my bike," he said to tempt her.

She took hold of my hand, and I got the feeling it was to feel my support, not to offer anything. "I'm staying in with Bella. You need to leave now."

"Stupid bitch," he mumbled and I bit my lip as I waited for my mother to handle it. She reached out and shut the door with all her strength, slamming it in his face.

I pulled her to me and hugged her as I laughed. "I'm so proud of you," I said.

She stood a little taller and I could sense how proud she was of herself. "He wasn't very good in bed, anyway," she announced.

Okay, my mother would be a slow progression, but at least she was trying.


	7. Chapter 19 thru 21

I learned more about my mother in one session than I had known living with her for so many years. I thought she was flighty, a bit stupid, and very immature. I learned my mother was a bright woman, who acted the way others treated her.

Her father deemed women as interchangeable and complained often she wasn't a boy. Her mother taught her to act helpless to attract men; she didn't realize it only attracted the wrong men. My mother was a product of her environment, just as I was. I couldn't blame her for her weaknesses and I needed to stop blaming myself for mine.

After two weeks I stopped attending her sessions and she began going alone. I could see subtle changes in her. She took more pride in her job as a kindergarten teacher, realizing it wasn't just babysitting but a worthy profession. She dressed more age appropriate and turned away the men showing up at her place. I felt it was finally time to talk to her about Edward.

We were sitting on her bed as she showed me a new clothing purchase. "Mom, I have a guy…at least I think I still have him. His name is Edward."

She put the hanger down, another first for her, and looked at me. "Where is he?"

"In Chicago. He had his own recovery to do and he came out whole. I'm doing mine now."

She smiled softly and said, "I'm part of your recovery?"

"You're a huge part of it. And I'm only telling you about Edward because I see such a change in you. I need my mother, and you're right here," I said, and felt the sting of tears.

"Are you uncertain about your feelings for him?" she asked.

"No, not uncertain, but I feel I don't deserve him, or that I'll set him back in some way," I admitted. "I know another woman loves him, and deep down I'm afraid she'll come for him."

"One thing I learned about men is they do what they want. If he is with you then he wants you, not her."

I wished I could believe her words, but Edward's situation was more complicated than simply choosing me over her. He was certain he didn't love her, but how could he be certain of something he couldn't remember?

"Was it hard to leave dad?" I asked.

She sat on the edge of the bed and took some time to think about it. "I never put anyone's well being ahead of mine. I wanted….more….I just didn't know how to get it in Forks."

"I got to know dad better, he's an amazing man," I said, feeling a bit defensive of my father.

"Yes, he is, he always provided well for you."

We were both quiet and lost in our own thoughts of our men when she finally reached for the phone and said, "Call your Edward."

I took the receiver hesitantly and walked out of her bedroom to make the call. It rang three long times, seeming like a minute for each. "Hello," his deep voice answered.

"Edward, its Bella."

"Thank God," he murmured softly. "Are you in Chicago?"

"No, Phoenix."

He waited for me to say what I needed to say, but all I could concentrate on was the sound of his gentle breathing. "Bella?" he called out.

"Edward, I'm certain, and I want to come back," I said as I broke into tears.

"I'll come get you, I can get the first flight to Phoenix," he said in a rush, and I could hear things moving around on his desk.

I laughed at his enthusiasm and told him to call as soon as he had the arrangements. He wasn't going to arrive until close to midnight and the day passed slowly and tortuously. I waited by the luggage pick up and watched the escalators unwaveringly.

He stepped onto the slow moving stairs and my heart leapt into my throat. I couldn't remain still and ran up the downward moving stairs as he ran to meet me. He grabbed me around the waist and waited for us to reach the bottom before pulling me aside and kissing me wildly. I didn't care we were in public, I had the man I love in my arms and I wanted to show him how happy I was to see him.

We kissed for a long time, constantly slowing down only to heat things up again. I didn't care about anything that happened on the island, or the scar still burned into my flesh. My thoughts were solely on Edward.

Someone said angrily to us, "There are children present."

We finally parted and I laughed as he held me only inches from his face. "I feel like I'm dreaming," he said with a thick voice.

"You better not wake up," I said, and didn't worry about it sounding like a command. I took his hand and he told me he only had a carry-on bag. We went right to my mother's car and began kissing aggressively again. When I was ready to take him right in the car I pulled away and started the engine.

"How far?" he asked and it made me laugh at our eagerness. I just hoped we were both able to give in to what we needed and there was nothing holding either one of us back.

We arrived at my mother's small home and I saw her peaking from the curtains. I looked at Edward and felt a bit nervous about his reaction to her. "Someone is anxious to meet you," I said and nodded to the window.

"Does she know about….me?" he asked hesitantly.

"Nothing specific," I smiled and then let my smiled widen and I said, "I saved those details for my father."

"The cop?" he gasped.

I laughed at the expression on his face and leaned over to give him a reassuring kiss. "I only told them you're an incredible man."

We got out of the car and headed into the house. Renee opened the door before we got there and rushed out to meet Edward. She shook his hand and then gave him a big hug, before pulling him into the house. "Bella never let me meet her men before," she said, without meaning to sound like I had a parade of them.

"This one's special," I admitted. Edward looked at me and winked, setting my entire body on fire.

I had learned amazing control, but making small talk with my mother when I wanted him in my arms took every ounce of control I could manage. I sat on his lap as my mother quizzed him on his life. His hand moved in small circles on the small of my back as he spoke.

When the phone rang I took advantage of my mother's distraction and pulled Edward down the hall to my room. I locked the door and attached myself to him as permanently as I could. He stumbled his way to the bed and we collapsed onto it. I was already pulling on his shirt when he reached back and pulled it over his head in one swift movement.

I sighed at the sight of his bare chest and smothered it in kisses. "I don't want you to feel like I came here just for sex," he said as he gasped for air.

"Tell me all about it afterward," I countered, and he chuckled as I made my way back to his mouth.

Our clothing came off in a rush and we slowed down once we connected. I looked at his face, not judging his limits or watching for discomfort. I looked at his face with love, amazed at the expressions of love looking back at me.

The biggest proof of our change was when Edward finished first, something a Dom would never allow and a sub would never do. I came undone right after him and we clung together as we laughed and cried. It was the first time we were both whole and able to give ourselves completely to each other.

Edward held my head between his hands and kissed my face, covering every inch of it. A loud knock made us both jump and my mother called out, "Are you done?"

"Shit," I mumbled and Edward moved to my side and looked at the door as if my mother was going to come barging in. "Go to bed mother," I yelled out.

"I want to ask you something," she said from behind the door.

I got out of bed and pulled Edward's shirt over my head and walked to the door. I opened it just enough to see my mother's face and asked, "What?"

"Are you going to Forks?" she inquired.

I glanced over at Edward and decided I would like for him to meet my father, so I turned back to her and nodded my head. A smile grew on her face and she asked, "May I go with you?"

"To Forks?" I gasped, having no idea why she would go back to a place she supposedly loathed.

"I think it would be a good thing to have your family together for once," she announced, but I doubted it was my psychological health she was considering. I told her she could come and she left with a big smile on her face.

I pulled off the shirt and got back into bed. Edward pulled me to his chest and I entangled my legs with his. "This is paradise," I moaned.

"I was going to tell you something before we were interrupted," he announced.

"Yeah, what was it?"

"I love you, Bella Swan," he said as his fingers ran softly down my arm.

"I love you, Edward Cullen. I love you in a way I never thought possible for me. You've helped to heal my heart and soul."

"Exactly, you did that for me too."

"How are your dreams?" I asked.

He groaned and I knew it was something he was still dealing with. I had no idea how to convince him he did not kill Jane. He spoke softly and said, "I remember how I heard about the island."

I raised my head and looked at him with shock. "Really, how?"

"They contacted me. I guess they heard I was looking into various places and thought I would be a good candidate for their program."

"Did they give you fake documents?" I asked.

"Yeah, how did you know?"

"I got them too. A huge guy, Felix, picked me up," I said, having another memory.

Edward thought for a moment and then shook his head, having no memory of anyone named Felix. I put my head back down and he played with my hair as I kissed his chest. It was intimacy I never had with a lover. We talked softly in the darkness, sharing stories of our childhoods, and making our way to our college years.

We fell asleep together and knew this was the very beginning of the rest of our lives. We were going to make it and the thought warmed my heart. The following morning we made love in the shower. It wasn't careful but wild and hot.

We dressed and packed up everything to head to Forks. We arrived after the long drive close to dinner time. I got out of the car and went to the door alone. I knocked and my father opened with a surprised expression. I hugged him and told him I brought my guy to meet him. I motioned for them to come from the car.

Edward walked with Renee but she used his tall body to hide behind. I could see how scared she was to see Charlie again. Edward extended his hand to my father and Charlie gave him the once over before shaking it.

"Dad, this is Edward Cullen," I announced with pride. Charlie protectively put his arm around me and it felt great to have a father looking out for me. It was a bit late, but it felt wonderful none the less.

"Oh, and you know mom," I added, and Edward stepped out of the way to show Renee huddled behind him.

Her face was pale white and her lips were shaking. "Hello Charlie," she said nervously.

Charlie's mouth fell open and his eyes widened in shock. I found I was holding my breath and when my father stepped forward to hug my mother I broke into tears.

20

I was never quite sure what went on between my parents. I was only three when we left Forks forever and my mother never really spoke of Charlie. I would go visit him for two weeks every summer and we would have a strained, awkward time.

Edward wrapped his arm around my shoulders and gave me a supportive squeeze. I smiled up at him and tried to dry my eyes. I needed to see my parents hug at least once in my life and I was happy to have Edward next to me when it happened.

We all sat around the table and Charlie brought up the idea of going fishing with Edward. He tensed and said, "I've really never gone fishing before. My father is not an outdoorsman."

"You'll love it," my father declared, but Edward looked a bit overwhelmed.

Charlie looked over at a clock and then said, "Have you eaten? I can get some pizza or we can go to the lodge."

My mother smiled and said, "Is that place still open. I was sure they would have lost their license by now."

Charlie laughed loudly and stood to extend his hand to my mother. "I'm sure old Jim would love to see you again."

We headed to the lodge and when we entered the room Charlie stood just a bit taller. He introduced us as his family and it sent a warm feeling throughout my body. Edward did his best to find common ground they could talk about and settled on baseball.

When we finished eating my parents ordered drinks. Edward and I decided to walk home, since it wasn't that far. I also loved the idea of letting my parents have some time alone. It was a stupid hope that they would get back together, but the child inside of me still longed for it.

"So, are you really going fishing tomorrow?" I asked Edward.

"Do I have a choice?" he laughed.

"I can tell my dad to back off."

"No," he said with a laugh. "This is a test and I'm determined to pass it."

"A test?" I asked.

"Sure, he wants to see if the bloke after his baby is worthy of her attention. I understand," he sighed.

I stopped walking and pulled him to a stop alongside me. "Edward, I hope you're only joking. You are the most amazing man in the world and it only matters what I think."

His hands ran along my jaw and into my hair before he lowered his mouth to mine. My knees grew weak from his perfect kisses and I tried to keep control of myself on a public street. "I love you," I said without thinking when he pulled away. It fell from my mouth naturally and honestly. Edward smiled widely and gave me a sly wink before walking again.

"What was that?" I asked with a laugh.

"What?" he asked innocently.

"That look," I explained. "What was that look for?" He shook his head and I pushed his shoulder with the palm of my hand. "What's going on Edward Cullen?"

"I don't take orders anymore," he said with a laugh. I gasped loudly and tried to act very offended, but he wouldn't cave and tell me what he was thinking. I bugged him the entire way home and his control amazed me.

We were unloading our bags from our car when my parents pulled up. They came over to the trunk and Charlie announced, "Bella and Renee can have the spare room. Edward can have the cot in my office."

Edward and I both froze and I turned slowly to see if my father was joking. He appeared completely serious. I looked at my wide eyed mother and then back at my dad. "Are you kidding?" I asked him.

Charlie looked a bit embarrassed and then said, "Oh yeah, right. Um…he can have my room and I'll use the cot."

"Dad," I whined loudly, "Edward is sleeping with me."

"Bella, it's okay," Edward interjected.

"No," I said forcefully. "This is ridiculous. I am a grown woman in my thirties."

"A single grown woman," my father pointed out.

"Are you telling me you haven't had sex in twenty-eight years since mom left?" I wouldn't believe him if he tried to tell me it was true. My dad was hot for an older man and my mother sure wasn't remaining virtuous on her own.

"This is my home," Charlie said heatedly.

Edward took hold of my arm and said, "Come on Bella, let it go. I'll be fine in the office."

I grabbed a bag and walked off in a huff. I couldn't believe my father was being so prudish. I regretted coming here and hated the idea of finally being with Edward and having to sleep in separate rooms. I also didn't like the thought of sharing a bed with my mother. I'm sure she would want to stay up all night going over every detail of my father. Edward and my father made plans to leave at first light to go fishing and I got on my pajamas and crawled into bed.

Edward stood by the door and smiled at me. "If I don't return tomorrow, come find my body," he teased.

"We can leave in the morning if you like," I offered. I never meant for this visit to put stress on our relationship, but maybe that was exactly what family does to a couple. I never loved anyone enough to meet my folks, and now I was glad for it.

"Bella, it's fine, really it is. I like your parents," he lied. I decided not to push it and pray my father didn't say anything as they were fishing to make Edward decide to run out on me.

I got up early to see them off and found my bed empty. I went downstairs expecting to see my mother making pancakes or something but the house was quiet. I headed to the office and heard soft laughter coming from upstairs. I followed the sound to my father's room and opened to door to find my parents lying in bed naked.

I screamed and slammed the door, sending Edward running up the stairs to make sure I was okay. I pushed him into my room and leaned against the door with my hand over my mouth in shock.

"What's wrong?" Edward asked.

"I just walked in on my parents having sex," I gasped.

He looked sideways, as if he could actually see through the walls at what I had seen. "Are you sure?" he asked.

"No, yes, I mean they were naked, but not actually….you know," I explained, and ran my finger through my other thumb and finger. It was juvenile, but I was too shaken to be mature about it. Suddenly I became filled with anger. My father refused to let me sleep with Edward, but he was doing my mom right under my nose.

I felt Edward grab my arm but I pushed him away and headed down the hallway. I knocked first and then threw open the door. My mother had on a robe and dad was dressed to go fishing. I crossed my arms in anger as I took a stand. "What's going on?" I asked.

"We'll talk later," Charlie said to get away from having this discussion.

"No, we're going to talk now," I yelled, acting like a spoiled only child. "You wouldn't let me sleep with Edward, but this is fine?" I asked. "This is just…nasty."

Charlie walked toward me and raised his finger to shake it at me. "I'm still your father," he said, making no sense at all.

"So you get to have sex in front of me but I can't do the same?" I was hysterical and realized what a stupid comment I just made. I was mad he kept me out of Edward's arms and even angrier for being so old and still hoping my parents would get back together. Doing this to me was putting me back years in my therapy.

Charlie looked at Edward and said, "We're leaving in five minutes."

Edward turned and headed downstairs to get ready. I glared at my father as he walked past me and then looked at my mom as she grinned from the bed. "You are such a whore," I teased.

"I know," she laughed and it made me laugh too. I walked over and sat next to her. She threw her arms around my neck and hugged me tightly. "Oh Bella, it was just like old times."

"I don't want to hear about it," I said adamantly. "I'm ready to bolt as it is."

"You have to help me," my mom begged.

"Help you with what?" I asked.

"Help me not to mess this up. How to I make it work?"

I stared into her eyes. The expression I saw was new. She never cared about her future and only found her worth in the loser men she dragged home, but this time she looked really scared.

"Mom, all I can say is go really slowly. Don't ignore the past issues. Dad will never leave Forks." I wasn't trying to squash her dreams, or my own, but I wanted her to be realistic this time.

"Your father used to scare me. He was so settled and so sure about his way of life. I had no idea what I wanted, but now with counseling I know. I want the life he offered me years ago," she announced.

"Oh God," I muttered. I wished Edward and I could leave tonight. This had disaster written all over it. My mother crawled onto her knees and looked me in the eyes. "What?" I asked.

"Teach me how to be all bad ass with a man," she pleaded. My mouth fell open and she dismissed my reaction with a wave of a hand. "Come on," she laughed. "I know all about your lifestyle."

I shook my head and tried to get off the bed but she pulled me back down and to face her. "Mom, it isn't a healthy way to live. I've worked really hard to change and I'm not telling you how to dominate dad."

"But isn't it hot?" she asked innocently.

"No, it is abusive. Hot is role playing and mixing it up once in a while. But dominating someone takes their self-esteem and weakens them. Just wear dad's holster and heels if you want it to be hot, but don't confuse it with something dangerous."

She squealed like a school girl and jumped up to run to his closet. I took advantage of her lack of attention and hurried from the room. I spent most of the morning deep cleaning dad's house and trying not to worry about Edward. They arrived home around three and I rushed outside to greet them.

"How did it go?" I asked them both.

"Good, we caught plenty of fish for dinner," Charlie said, and began unloading his truck.

"You caught a fish?" I asked Edward, ready to reward his manliness with a kiss.

"Not a fish, many fish," he bragged.

He reached out and took the cooler from Charlie's hands and I watched them interact as if they were family. "You can put your clothes in the washroom and I'll clean them," I told them both as we headed into the house.

They both cleaned up as me and my mother began frying the fish. We ate are fill with a white wine and buttered biscuits. Edward cleared his throat and held up his wine glass for a toast. Everyone followed suite.

"I would like to thank Charlie and Renee for their generosity and kindness." I tapped his glass and he pulled back. "I'm not done," he announced.

"Oh sorry," I said, and lowered my hand.

This time Edward stood and set his glass on the table. "I had a long talk with Charlie today," he said nervously. I glanced at my father and wondered if he told Edward to get lost. My heart was pounding and Edward knelt onto one knee and pulled a ring from his pocket.

"Bella Swan, will you be my wife?" he asked.

21

I felt like I was hyperventilating. My breathing was too shallow and I grew dizzy. Edward looked worried and jumped up off his knee to make sure I was okay. It wasn't the thought of marrying Edward that was so disturbing, it was the fact any man wanted to marry me. I never believed I would ever marry.

"Are you okay?" he asked softly and took my hand.

"Yeah, I'm just…."

"I think the man is waiting for an answer, Bells," my father said to make it more awkward.

"Maybe we should take a moment alone," Edward suggested and I nodded before he led me to the back office. "I didn't want to ruin the surprise," he said sadly as he shut the door. "I should have talked to you before talking to your father."

I chuckled and shook my head. "I just barely got a relationship with my dad," I pointed out.

"I just wanted to do it the proper way," he said with guilt.

I had no idea why he thought I would need proper; nothing in my life had been done properly. I tried to remain calm and said, "Edward, we haven't been together very long."

"I know," he said instantly. "But you are the only woman for me…ever."

My eyes lowered and I said quietly, "The Island, and our memories."

"We'll find them together," he said. "There is nothing that happened there that would change my mind about you."

I wanted to believe him so badly. I wanted to think Jane was his captor and that was all. I finally smiled and raised my head. "So you want to marry me?"

He smiled back and nodded his head. "I sure do," he replied.

I thought for a moment, as I tried to picture a wedding in my mind. I instantly saw the large lawn of Edward's Chicago home. I hugged him and said, "Yes, Edward. I'll marry you."

He picked me up off the ground and hugged me tightly as he let out a sigh of relief. I had no idea if this would work, but I was willing to put in the effort. There was not another man on the planet I would be willing to commit to, so it had to mean something.

We kissed each other hungrily and I didn't care if it was Charlie's house and I was single, this was my fiancé and I would show him how much I loved him. I pushed him onto the desk and began taking down his pants. He pulled off my shirt and then began removing my jeans too.

I moved onto his lap and he held my legs so I wouldn't fall. I felt like I was loving his heart, not just his body. I wanted more and more of him, never finding the depth of love I needed. I screamed out as he held my arching back then we collapsed together onto the desk.

Edward glanced around the room and said, "Did we just do it on your father's desk?"

"After the conversation I had with my mother, I don't care," I laughed.

"Yeah, I had some freaky weirdness with your dad too," he said to get my full attention. I stared down at him unsure if I wanted to hear what he had to say. "He asked about…modernizing his repertoire."

"What in the hell does that mean?" I asked.

He laughed and shook his head, "You don't want to know."

"What did you tell him?" I asked, hoping one of my parents weren't going to end up wearing a collar.

"I acted totally ignorant," he assured me, and I kissed him for his brilliance.

By the time we came out of the office we found the kitchen empty. I glanced up the stairs and then gave a purposeful shudder. Edward and I busied ourselves with dishes and decided to leave for Chicago the following morning. Renee remained behind doing whatever freaky thing they were doing.

We announced our engagement and decided to have a very small intimate wedding. Alice and Rose planned most of it while I looked for a job. I was teaching a couple of classes at a local junior college as Edward worked on music scores.

We attended therapy every week and most of our memories were of a sexual nature. It didn't bother either one of us. We were different people back then and sex never embarrassed us, emotions were more difficult to explore.

I was growing fixated on his relationship with Jane and saw something telling in every memory he had. Once session he grew tired of my constant pushing and did something very out of character for Edward. "I fucked her and that was all," he yelled.

"How do you know? You have no idea what your heart felt after spending six years with her. You proposed to me after…." I shut my mouth and realized I had gone too far. Edward was livid and stood to face me.

"After spending thousands of dollars trying to find you, after working my ass off to become a functioning man, after risking everything to save you, yes, I proposed after all of that," he said as his body shook with anger.

I threw my arms in the air and said, "I give."

"What does that mean?" he asked.

"You're right. I'm trying to sabotage everything because I'm a stupid bitch," I admitted.

He smiled softly with a crooked grin and it sent my heart pounding. "I'm sorry," I offered.

He pulled me into his arms and kissed me tenderly. "No need to apologize, I shouldn't have yelled."

We left the session that night with a certainty we would be just fine as Mr. and Mrs. Cullen. I also had come to terms with my parents working on their relationship. I wanted them to be happy and if it happened to be with each other, great.

The wedding grew closer and closer. We had a huge tent set up on the lawn and I would walk from the house to the alter to a song Edward wrote. We had white garden chairs set up for the guest and our wedding clothes were simple and off white.

I carried wildflowers in my hand as I held onto my father's arm. The crowd surprised me a bit and I looked at a lot of unfamiliar faces. I realized the Masens and Cullens each had to be represented so I smiled and looked at Edward as I walked toward him.

His face was calm and he smiled as if he didn't have a care in the world. It was an expression I hoped to see on his face often.

Little Edward yelled out to me when I passed so I laughed and gave him a small wave. I saw a woman with long strawberry hair give me a courteous smile and recognized Tanya in the crowd. I took a few more steps when a memory hit me suddenly.

I came to a complete stop and my father looked at me with concern. "Bells, we have a bit further to go," he whispered.

I turned to look directly into Tanya's eyes. My hand dropped the flowers and I glanced back at the alter to see Edward looking worried. I couldn't ruin his wedding day, but I also couldn't let Tanya witness the most special moment of our lives.

"Hang on," I said to my father and leaned around him to speak to Tanya. "Please leave," I said in a whisper to her.

"Excuse me?" she asked and looked around in embarrassment.

"I want you to leave and I don't want to make a scene, so please go," I repeated.

"I am a guest of the groom," she said indignantly and her declaration angered me further.

Edward had come down the aisle and asked my father what the problem was. Charlie shrugged and tried to pull me back to his side. I looked at Edward and said, "I want her to leave. I can't tell you why at the moment."

Edward chuckled a bit and leaned closer to me. "Bella, we've known the Denalis for years."

"Do you trust me?" I asked him. It was a defining moment. Did he trust me as a husband trusts his wife or did he need an explanation?

He looked at my eyes for a moment and then turned to Tanya and said, "I'm sorry, you'll have to leave."

Her mouth opened wide and she glared at us both before stomping from the tent. I took Edward's hand and walked with him back to the alter. I grinned the entire way through our vows. I couldn't believe I was a married woman, spending my life with a man I loved completely.

We ate and danced with our guest and just when the day couldn't get any better Alice announced her pregnancy. They had been trying for years for a baby and the news sent everyone into tears. I danced with my father and we both laughed through our tears.

I danced with Emmett, who found it funny to twirl me every third step. Then I danced with Jasper, making sure to congratulate him on the baby news. When I finally danced with Carlisle he asked, "Is today everything you wanted?"

"It's more than I ever imagined," I said through tears. "I love your son with all my heart."

"Coming to your office that day was the best decision I ever made," Carlisle said. "I'm happy you're family now."

I hugged him as the song ended. Edward came to take my hand and we headed inside to change our clothes. We were going to spend our honeymoon on his father's yacht on Lake Michigan. We said our goodbyes and drove off to the sound of resounding cheers.

It wasn't until we were in bed on the boat when Edward finally asked about Tanya. I rose up on my elbow and ran my finger over his features. I actually had no idea how he would respond to the news and I could be making too much out of my memory, but there was no way I would take the chance on my wedding day.

I rolled onto his body and he smiled at me. "Thank you for a beautiful wedding," I told him honestly.

He pushed my hair back and said, "You were a beautiful bride."

"And you are one sexy husband," I replied.

"Husband," he repeated as if the word was sacred. I moved slowly down his body with my lips worshiping every inch of him.

I glanced up to see him watching me closely. I found the urge to bite him to see his reaction. I let my teeth move along his cock and then bit down. He remained completely still so I added more force. He showed no reaction so I added even more pressure I was certain would cause pain. Edward's eyes only brightened.

It got me so hot and I moved back to his mouth and sat on his erection to find the satisfaction I needed. "Do me hard," I demanded. I was so turned on and tried to push the voice of warning from my mind. I was loving my husband, not controlling my sub. Edward and I fell asleep wrapped in each other's arms, never talking about what had just happened.

The following morning we had breakfast in bed and I kept staring at the ring on my finger, a symbol I never expected to own. I held up my hand and said, "You have great taste, Edward."

"I do," he agreed, "And I mean the woman, not the diamond."

I gave him a syrupy kiss and then he set his fork down and asked, "So, what happened with Tanya last night?"

I couldn't believe I had totally forgotten about Tanya and the instant memory I had when I saw her. I wiped my mouth and pushed my tray away before turning to look at his face. I wasn't sure how to word it, so I said gently, "I had a memory at the wedding. I know how you ended up on the island."

His eyes widened in surprise and he moved his own tray out of the way. I swallowed deeply and looked away as I said, "Tanya had them contact you. She paid for them to keep you and torture you."


	8. Chapter 22 thru 24

Edward's face changed expressions about six times. He couldn't decide if he was hurt, angry, or disbelieving. I gave him a few moments to work out everything in his mind and finally reached out to take his hand. He instantly threw my touch off of him and got up out of the bed.

He paced a few times and then shook his head adamantly. "No, you remembered wrong. Tanya was a victim…"

"A victim?" I asked in shock.

"I cheated on her and lied to her," he explained.

"Right, you did, and she wanted revenge," I said loudly.

He stopped walking and placed his forehead on the wooden paneling. He took a few moments and then pulled back to hit his head hard on the wall. I jumped up and rushed over to hug him. "Edward, Jane told me Tanya contacted them and gave them the way to find you. She paid for everything and wanted them to kill you. You're alive because Jane loved you."

His body began to slide to the floor and I went down with him. I held him in my arms as he realized what Tanya had done. He never went looking for what he went through; he was deceived all along the way. He wasn't saying anything and I wished we were on land so I could get him away from here.

"Are you okay?" I asked in his ear.

"I thought I knew her better than anyone," he said.

"She had every right to be angry, but her actions were criminal," I said as I struggled with my own anger. She sat in my office and begged me to help Edward when she had all the answers all along. I headed into hell to find out what happened, and she could have simply told me.

Edward took a deep breath and then stood and helped me up. "Okay," he said with conviction. "Let's enjoy our honeymoon and figure this out later."

It was exactly what we did. We sailed to Mackinaw Island and did all the touristy things couples do. We were on our way back to Chicago when our first fight broke out. I was in the small bathroom brushing my teeth and reached for my birth control pills. Edward grabbed them from my hand and smiled suggestively. "When are we going to forget about these?" he asked.

It wasn't funny, no matter how comical he was trying to be. I had no intentions of becoming a mother and Edward was not ready to be a father either.

I grabbed the packet from his hand and glared at him. His smile fell and he asked, "You want children, don't you?"

I couldn't believe we had never talked about this. I assumed Edward felt the same way I did because he never acted interested in children. I took the pill and then turned to say, "No, I don't."

He followed me from the bathroom and asked, "Never?"

I spun around in anger and yelled, "God Edward, are you seriously this stupid? We are never having children, we can barely handle our own lives."

"You don't have to be perfect to be parents," he yelled at me and then added, "Obviously, look at your folks."

"Exactly," I screamed. "I'm not bringing a child into our craziness."

"We're not crazy Bella, and we would love a child the way it deserved to be loved."

"Stop this right now," I demanded.

"Are you telling me what to do?" he asked with an attitude.

"Obviously, you need me to, because this is just insane. We can't be parents."

"Well guess what love," he said with gritted teeth. "I want to be a father, and if you won't parent with me I'll find someone who will."

My entire body went tense and I couldn't believe he was threatening me. We had only been married a few days and already hitting shaky ground. "Don't you dare threaten me," I said without any emotion.

"You're not my Dom," he said to heighten the fight. "I'm telling you some woman would love to have my child."

I grabbed my slipper off the floor and threw it at him. "Jane?" I asked hysterically. "Are you going to have children with your true love and teach them how to torture their lovers?"

I knew it was a totally unreasonable thing to blurt out, but I was beyond thinking clearly and letting all my fears come to the surface. Edward shook his head and opened the cabin door before looking back at me and saying, "I told you I never loved Jane. But my words mean nothing; I'm just…some guy."

I fell onto the bed and began to cry. He wasn't just some guy, he was my man. I handled everything in the wrong way. We should have sat down and discussed it objectively. I should have told him I need more time and more therapy. We both needed to see if our relationship was going to remain healthy or if old habits would eventually sneak back into place.

I headed up to the top deck and saw we were close to the city. I found Edward sitting on a deck chair smoking a cigarette. I walked over and sat in the chair next to him. "I'm sorry," I offered and he only nodded. "You're not just some guy, Edward. You are my husband and I love you."

"I love you too," he added automatically and then took another drag from his cigarette.

I decided to give him time to deal with his own feelings and watched the city go by as we came to the pier. We unloaded all of our things into our car and then drove home. The signs of the wedding were gone and some food and cake was loaded into our fridge.

I took our bags into the washroom and heard Edward pick up the phone. I walked into the kitchen to find him sitting at the table with the receiver in his hand. "Let me talk to Tanya," he demanded and I closed my eyes in regret. "Tell her to call Edward when she arrives home," he added and then hung up.

"What are you going to say?" I asked him.

"I want her to tell me why," he said and walked from the room.

I was so tempted to head to another room and spend the day avoiding him, but I knew it wasn't the right thing to do. I followed him up to our bedroom and shut the door behind me. "Edward, we need to talk about this."

He sighed loudly and raised his head to look at me. "Fine, talk."

"I know this is upsetting and you feel very betrayed….."

"You're wrong," he said with a slight chuckle. "I deserved her revenge. I told her I loved her and inside I couldn't stand the thought of spending my life with her."

I looked into his eyes, trying desperately to see if he had been deceptive with me too. He could tell what I was thinking and he angrily turned his face away from me. Something snapped inside of me and I said with authority, "Don't look away from me."

His head turned slowly and his eyes seethed at me. He slowly lowered to his knees and let his head drop in submission. It was tantamount to slapping me across the face. I tried to control my pulse, but it quickened at the sight of him so willing to submit.

It was a teaching moment I could use to show him how unprepared we were to be parents. I walked up to where he knelt and said, "Look at me."

His head tilted upward and the pain in his eyes startled me. I dropped to my own knees and said, "Edward, I love you. I don't want our marriage to begin like this. Help me save us," I begged him.

He pulled me into his arms and I sobbed loudly. He comforted me and gave me his assurance we were fine. I just hoped he believe his own words. The phone rang and I begged him not to answer it. I felt we were on a precipice and any movement could push us over the edge.

He pulled from my arms and reached for the extension. "Hello," he answered and I braced myself for his outburst at Tanya, but instead he handed me the phone. "It's for you, Dr. Swan."

I took the receiver and planned to notify the college of my name change as soon as possible. I stood and put the phone to my ear. "Hello."

"Oh Dio," a voice murmured. "Il mio amore."

"Hello?" I repeated, not understanding what the man was saying.

"Are you well, my Bella?" he asked and my blood turned to ice.

"Who is this?" I demanded angrily.

"Tell me you are well, that I did the right thing," he begged with a thick accent.

Edward saw my face grow pale and he reached out and took the phone from my hand. I let him take it, too terrified to refuse him. He listened silently for a moment and then asked, "Who is this?"

He hung up and turned to face me. "Who was it?"

I shook my head, having no idea but something told me the voice was familiar and I should have recognized it as well as the sentiment. He looked at the caller ID but gained no information. I said something about a disgruntled student and then went into the bathroom and turned the water on for a tub.

I could hear Edward playing on the piano. I sat back in the tub and listened to his sweet melody, so different from the mood in the house. He soothed me with his music and I calmed down enough to think clearly. I was sure of my love for Edward and I needed to be more confident in his love for me.

I got out of the tub and headed downstairs in just a short robe. I walked up behind him as he played with his eyes closed. I ran my hands around his neck and down his chest as he sighed. I whispered into his ear, "I'll talk to my therapist about children. I'll get there, I promise."

His hand took hold of my arm and he pulled me around to sit on his lap. I kissed him tenderly and he let his head fall back to enjoy the moment. "Tell me what you want," he moaned.

"You, I want you," I answered.

He left me on his lap as he released his jeans and then stood to hold me as we made our way to the wall. He never let me down, holding me through the entire thing, impressing me with his strength and control. I found myself telling him to hold it and he maintained perfect control until I cried out for him.

Deep down I knew we were headed to dangerous ground, but I had no idea how to stop the slide. Edward kissed me aggressively and I could tell he was thrilled with what just happened between us. The phone rang again and I groaned in disappointment.

Edward let go of me and walked over to answer the phone. I watched his smile turn to a sinister look and knew Tanya had called back. His stature stiffened and he turned his back to me before speaking. "I need to see you; we need to talk face to face."

He listened for a moment and then yelled loudly. "Make the time. I'm coming to Seattle."

He slammed the phone down and took several breaths before turning to look at me. I tried to smile, but I was shaking on the inside. "When are you going?" I asked.

"Now," he answered and walked out of the room.

I stayed in the music room as he packed a bag and got into his car and drove away. He needed to confront Tanya his way, and I was going to give him the space to do it. That night I got my pillow and slept in the guest room. I didn't want to be in our bed alone. I waited and waited for Edward to call, but finally fell asleep without hearing from him.

23

Edward returned the next day. I was scrubbing the kitchen floor to release my pent up anxiety when he walked through the back door and gave me a wry smile. I stood and pushed my wet hair away from my face. I wanted to know why he never called, but I didn't dare bring it up.

"That was fast," I said awkwardly.

"I said what I needed to say," he answered and then tiptoed across the wet floor to head upstairs. I stood there without knowing how to react. He came back to the kitchen to find me standing in the same spot he left me in. "Bella, sit down," he instructed and I walked over to the kitchen table and sat.

He scooted his chair closer to mine and said, "I want this to be done. We need to move past the island and get on with our lives."

"Can you tell me what happened with Tanya?" I asked.

"She denied everything. I admitted everything I had done to her, but there was no excuse for trying to take my life."

"Why did she want me to help you?" I asked him.

"She thought if I got some of my memories back we could work again."

"But she's married," I gasped.

"Her devotion is flexible," he said with disgust.

I could tell by the look on his face his aversion was over something new, not old. "Did she hit on you?" I asked in rage.

"It's over," he stated adamantly. "I don't want to talk about Tanya ever again."

I was livid; she played him at every turn and then had the nerve to hit on him right when he got home from his honeymoon. I wished she lived in Chicago because I would love to have a chat with her this very moment.

"Okay," I finally agreed. "It's over."

Edward seemed to relax and his shoulders lowered as he sat back and ran his fingers through his hair. I watched him with delight. He was so handsome and I couldn't believe he was all mine. I wished I had a shower and I would have hit on him.

We spent our last free day working around the house. We put out pictures of us and made the place more welcoming. We both felt ready for the mundane life of a married couple. Edward didn't bring up children, but I noticed how he constantly stared at my birth control pills.

We were normal most of the time, but every once in a while something would come out in our love making. I would say something a bit harsh and Edward would obey immediately. We never talked about it and I'm sure it haunted us both.

It had been several months when I came home from work to find a rental car in our driveway. I was excited at the thought of family visiting and rushed into the house. It was totally silent and I tried to listen to see if I could hear anyone talking.

The sound of a woman's voice came from Edward's music room so I headed that way quietly. The door was open just a couple of inches and I peeked through the space to make sure I wasn't interrupting anything. I saw Edward on his knees as a woman looked down at him. I recognized her immediately and backed up so she wouldn't see me.

I covered my mouth with my hand and rushed from the hallway. I ran from the house, leaving the back door wide open and jumped in my car. I was shaking violently as I sped from the driveway. My phone rang moments later, but I ignored it and kept driving.

I wasn't sure where to go. I didn't want to go to my office in case a student dropped by, so I checked into a downtown hotel. I collapsed on the bed and cried loudly. I had no idea how to compete with Jane. She had Edward for six years and our relationship was so stressed and relatively new. I felt I lost him without fighting.

My phone rang often throughout the night, but I never answered or checked the messages. I lay on the bed in almost a trance, trying to imagine life without Edward.

I don't know how I became this person. I was weak, without the pretense of authority I used to have. Bella Swan would have never let herself become vulnerable, but for some reason Edward caused me to change everything about myself.

Was that what love did? It weakens a person to the point their heart is exposed and defenseless? If I wanted my marriage I was going to have to fight for it. I would have to wrap myself in armor and go head to head with the other woman he loved.

The next morning I showered and put on my same clothes before heading home. The car was still there, telling me she had spent the night. I threw the door open and it hit the wall with a loud bang. I marched into the kitchen to find Edward and Jane sitting at the table with coffee.

Edward jumped up and rushed toward me. "God Bella, why wouldn't you answer your phone?"

I held up my arm to stop him from coming any closer. I then turned my attention to Jane. "I'm not letting you just have him. I'm not handing him over without a fight."

She smiled and looked at Edward with amusement. I glanced at the both angrily, hating that they shared something funny at my expense. Edward pleaded with me. "Bella, come sit down so we can talk about this."

I made my way to the table and looked at their coffee. "There's no cinnamon is there?"

"No," Jane said Edward glanced warily at the cup, as if he hadn't considered the possibility of being drugged again.

"Jane didn't come for me," Edward stated, but she quickly interrupted him.

"That is not totally true," she said.

Edward gave her a disgusted glance and turned his attention back to me. "I remember things now. I was not in love with her, ever."

I looked at Jane to see if she would refute his words but she nodded to me in agreement. "But you loved him, right?" I asked her.

"Completely," she said.

I was so confused and had no idea what to ask to clear things up, so I remained quiet and let Edward speak. He took my hands and said, "I owe Jane my life, but I was never in love with her and she knew it. I was honest about it because I had messed up so badly with Tanya. When her brothers felt I was in the way they planned to kill me. Jane got me off the island in took me home."

"They just let her leave?" I asked.

Jane laughed and then said, "We are not kidnappers. People pay top dollar for our services. They come willingly."

"You wouldn't let me or Edward leave," I pointed out.

She glanced at Edward before lowering her voice and speaking. "You both could have left at any time. You were never held there."

Her outright lie angered me even further. I never would have stayed there for two years, and Edward surely would have left. He just admitted to never loving her, so why would he stay?

"Are you accusing me of refusing to leave the island, because you know that is a lie," I yelled to her.

Jane took another sip of her coffee before responding to my outburst. She was calm as she spoke and for some reason it made me even angrier. "Bella, we were paid to keep Edward there as long as we could. We were not supposed to harm him unless he decided to end things with Tanya. He decided to do that after only one month. Only then did she want him…hurt. But Edward never asked to leave. He stayed and participated in what we had to offer. I grew to love him, but he just loved living his life in the way he wanted."

I glanced at Edward and saw the shame on his face. He could have left but chose to stay. "Why the drugs?" I asked.

"It is all part of the training. It makes you willing to go further and it dampens the pain. People who come to see us want to hurt, they need it to feel alive since they've stifled all the real pain for so long. Letting them experience the pain is what they pay for."

I knew exactly what she was talking about. I didn't need her to explain the dynamics to me, but I felt a bit nauseous that people like her needed to exist in this world.

She continued on with her story. "It was my obsession with Edward that caused problems with my brothers. I didn't want to train anymore because I wanted only Edward in my life. They tried to reason with me, but I was obstinate. Edward wouldn't leave, so they planned to take him out of the equation. I drugged him enough to get him onto a boat and I took him home."

"Why didn't you stay and explain things to his family?" I asked.

She chuckled and looked at Edward pityingly. I knew it wasn't something any sane person would be willing to do, but if she knew what was wrong with him she should have shared it with his family. Jane reached out to touch Edward's hand and he pulled it out of her grasp.

"Jane did the right thing," he said to defend her actions.

I felt my mouth fall open and I gave Edward an appalled stare. "The right thing? I went there to find out what happened to you. I lost two years of my life to those sadomasochists."

Edward let his eyes move away from mine and at first I thought he felt guilty but he shook his head and said something to really throw me for a loop. "I was wrong to make you leave."

I actually gasped for air as I tried to make sense of his words. I stood and walked around the kitchen as I tried to ground myself to anything that was real. I finally spun around and said, "You were kneeling to her, I saw it."

"I couldn't remember her. We were role playing to make me remember. I never touched her Bella, I swear," he screamed.

I looked at the both of them, needing more of an explanation. "Are you telling me you remember everything? You remember your entire relationship with her?" I demanded.

"Yes, I do," Edward said. "It all came back and I can tell you anything you want to know."

There was nothing I needed to hear. I could assume most of it, I just wanted him to remember if he loved her or not, and apparently he didn't. I walked over and wrapped my arms around him. I sighed loudly and said, "I don't need to hear about it. I love you, Edward."

I expected him to hold me tightly and assure me everything was okay, but his posture was stiff and he didn't pull me closer. I backed up to look at his face and saw nothing but torment.

"What's wrong?" I asked him.

"Jane didn't come alone," he told me. "There is someone here to see you."

"Me?" I gasped. "Who would need to see me?"

"Bella," Jane said softly. "Edward never fell in love on the island, but you did."

I saw movement from the corner of my eye and turned to see a man step from behind the wall into the doorway. He was tall with long blonde hair pulled into a ponytail. He spoke with a strong Italian accent and said, "Ciao, my Bella."

His gentle smile looked so familiar. Something exploded in my head and memories came flooding at me. "Caius," I said in only a whisper, and then my legs gave out.

24

My body was fighting with my mind. I wanted to run to him and collapse in his arms. I remembered holding him during the night and trying to find a way we could be together. It was never Edward who had someone waiting, it was me.

I looked up at Edward's face and saw his pain. It was more evident than anything I had ever seen before. My heart bled for him. Caius looked mortified to see me in Edward's arms and I could tell he was fighting his own impulse to pull me away.

I slowly moved, needing Edward's assistance and tried to speak. "I don't, I mean, I didn't know," I mumbled.

Edward helped me to a chair and we all sat down. I couldn't keep from staring at Caius as more and more memories came into my head. I glanced down at my arm where I had insisted he give me the same mark he wore. It was a pale scar now, where Carlisle had removed it.

Caius looked at the blank spot and his eyes watered. Jane was the first to speak and said, "Bella, the only way Caius could be with you is if you escaped and he waited for a while before he left too. It was all planned."

I turned to Edward and shook my head, "I didn't remember, and I was honestly happy to see you."

"I know," he said softly.

My eyes then moved to Caius and I saw the pain he held there too. I was instantly torn and didn't know who to offer my comfort to. Everyone sat quietly until Edward finally said, "Leave your information where she can reach you and then let me have some time alone with my wife."

Caius remained still but Jane wrote something on a card and then stood to leave. I remained seated and refused to look at anyone. My heart was pounding and I was afraid to be alone with Edward just as much as I was afraid for Caius to walk out the door.

The room emptied and Edward moved to sit on the island in the middle of the kitchen. He rubbed his eyes for a moment and then said, "Bella, you have to decide…"

"There is no decision," I said forcefully. "You are my husband and I love you."

He smiled for a moment and then said, "I never got it. You must have worried so much about my feelings for Jane and I never understood why. Now I see the problem."

"Edward everything we had was so new. It wasn't like I cheated on you," I said to make myself feel better. "Caius understood the sickness I had deep inside of me. He made me feel normal and I liked it."

"The sickness," he repeated and I let my head fall in shame.

"Edward, we both know it is still there. We are ignoring it, but it is there," I said to finally get everything into the open.

He nodded for a moment and then said, "Okay, let's get real. I want a family. I want to fill this house with kids. I also want to do anything that feels good at the time and not feel like I need to explain it later."

I stared in shock and then asked, "Are you telling me to go with Caius?"

"If none of that sounds right to you, than yes, go with him." He got down from the counter and walked out the back door. I wanted to run after him. I knew it was the right thing to do, but something kept me planted in my chair. I let my head fall to the table and I cried uncontrollably. I honestly loved Edward, but maybe it was right to leave before we were pulled apart by different dreams.

I eventually picked up the card Caius left and saw he was staying at a hotel in the city. I got in my car and headed there to see him. I had to face this head on and make sure I made the right decision. I knocked softly and when he opened the door a huge smile spread across his face.

"Benvenuto," he said, and backed up so I could enter the room. He let his finger run along my arm so I headed to the far side of the suite to be out of his reach and then leaned against the wall. I remembered loving him and talking about a future with him, but everything was different now.

"Do you want children?" I asked boldly.

He shrugged and then walked over to sit on the edge of one of the couches. I watched him closely and he finally said, "Why the talk of children?"

"Because Edward wants kids, and obviously I am too messed up to be a mother." It hurt to admit the truth to him. I felt like I was betraying Edward by speaking so frankly with Caius.

He chuckled and let his head fall to the side in amusement. "You are not messed up, Bella."

"Yeah, right," I scoffed. "Tell me another lie."

"What does motherhood have to do with Infestus?" he asked, and it confused me all the more.

"Infestus?" I asked.

"Dangerous, aggressive sexual activity," he explained.

"You don't see the correlation?" I said and rolled my eyes at him. I wasn't going to have my husband kneeling in front of me as his children watched. Or have them ask where he got the bite marks and bruises.

"No," he said to surprise me. "You don't need to have Infestus constantly in your life. It is like a storm, you enjoy the sunshine but thunder and lightning can make it exciting once in a while."

I realized it was exactly how it was with me and Edward. We didn't feel we were missing anything, but out of the need for variety we would go there once in a while.

I wasn't sure if I believed Caius and wondered if he was trying to ease my guilt, although he was the one who would be an expert on such a thing. Maybe Edward and I were just fine and I was putting too much emphasis on the occasional storm. It dawned on me all at once. Caius made me feel it was okay to be different, but Edward made me feel loved.

I looked at the man I had promised to spend my life with and told him the truth. "Caius, I fell in love with Edward in a way I have never loved before."

He looked heartbroken and let his head fall sadly. I didn't want to cause him pain, but Edward gave me space to make the right decision and I wasn't certain I could have done the same. If Jane had shown up and he remembered loving her I would have done everything I could to keep him with me. Edward willingly let me go after telling me what he expected if I stayed.

"I regret letting you go," Caius said sadly.

"If you don't return to the island you'll find what you're searching for, I promise," I told him. "There's a wonderful woman waiting for you."

He smiled and nodded but I could tell he didn't agree with me. I walked over and offered him a gentle hug and then walked out the door. I was anxious to find Edward and tell him how much I loved him. I faced the choice and I chose him. I forced myself to concentrate on the love I could feel for his children, not on what type of mother I would be. Of course I would make mistakes, but I would parent with love and hope for the best.

I arrived home to find Edward's car still gone. I got busy making him a perfect dinner and chilled some wine. I put on a sexy gown and let my hair flow freely the way he liked it. I waited impatiently as the room grew dark.

My heart pounded furiously when I heard his car pull into the garage. I left the lights out and sat perfectly still. He entered through the back door and flipped on the light.

"Turn it off," I said with authority. He reached up slowly and turned it off. I couldn't see for a moment and I couldn't hear any footsteps so I said, "Get over here."

He followed my command and came to where I sat before standing with his head bowed. I reached onto the table and held something out for him. "Throw this in the trash," I commanded and handed him my birth control pills.

He obeyed and tossed them before walking back to stand in front of me. I could see a slight smirk on his face and how aroused he was. I unlatched his pants and let them fall to his ankles before moving to sit on the table top. I leaned back on my elbows as he stared and then said, "You better impregnate me."

He folded his entire body over mine and kissed me with a passion that almost consumed me. I couldn't show him enough how much I loved him and no matter how wild we got it wasn't enough. I had experienced strictly sexual relationships, and I had experienced a relationship with Caius that made me feel accepted, but never the both of them together filled with love.

We experienced the thunder and lightning but by morning light we were back to responsible, capable adults. I held Edward in my arms as he slept soundly. I loved the sound of his breathing and the smell of his body. I kissed him gently and he stirred before opening his eyes.

"I love you," I said tenderly and he smiled.

"I never doubted you would be back," he said to stun me.

"Really?" I asked, "Even with the stuff about kids?"

He rolled onto his back and grinned like a Cheshire cat at the ceiling. "Bella, you are going to be such a great mother. Our child is going to be so lucky."

My eyes welled up with tears at his pronouncement. It was one thing for me to doubt myself, but to hear him filled with confidence in me confirmed my decision to choose him. "What makes you think so?" I asked.

He reached up and moved a stand of hair from my face before saying, "Because you are the most loving human I've ever met. You are gentle when you need to be and very dominate," he added with a wink, "When I need you to be."

"So you think I can be a normal mom?" I asked and climbed onto him, sitting straddled over his stomach.

"Normal, oh hell no," he laughed. "You'll be a hot mom all the little boys will swoon over."

"That is gross," I said and scrunched my nose, but he just laughed at me.

"I figure we'll have a boy first and then two little girls," he said, and my eyes widened at the sound of his plans.

"Oh really," I said to challenge him.

"Yes, and since Emmett stole my name we'll name him Masen Edward Cullen," he said as I laughed.

"And the girls?" I pushed.

He thought for a moment and said, "Well, they need strong names so they'll grow up strong like their mother. How about Katherine and Anne?"

"You realize you are totally insane, right?" I laughed and bent over to kiss him. He held my face gently and kissed me passionately.

I would have children with him, because I had complete faith in him. I made sure to attend parenting classes and read everything I could get my hands on about children. We weren't the type of couple who waited with baited breath for my period each month. We were content to just see what happened.

I was at work one afternoon when a wave of nausea hit me out of nowhere. I went to the college infirmary and found out for sure I was pregnant. When I arrived home I could hear Edward at the piano. I walked into the middle of the room and stood without saying anything. He finally looked over at me and stopped playing.

"What's up?" he asked.

"I'm in the mood for a little infestus," I announced, and he automatically lowered his head.

I smiled with anticipation and said, "Get over here and kneel in front of me."

He rose and came over to kneel. It was almost impossible not to drop to my own knees and scream with joy. Instead I said, "Take hold of my hips." He placed his hands gently on my hips but kept his head lowered. "Now put you lips on my lower abdomen."

I saw his eyes were closed as he did as he was told. My eyes were filling quickly with tears and I said with a choked voice, "Now kiss your son."

Edward's head shot up to see if I was serious. I smiled down at him and he jumped up off his knees to pull me into his arms. I laughed as he peppered me with kisses and told him I had not given permission for him to rise. He ignored my warning and said, "You can punish me later."

Our child's life would be filled with family, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, and a mother and father who loved each other deeply. All my fear faded away and only excitement existed.

Of course things don't always turn out the way you think. We had a daughter first, named Hannah Elizabeth and then a son we named Masen. Our need for the thunder waned away as we got busy with our kids and life kept us pretty tired all the time. But every once in a while a command would slip from my lips and Edward would quickly obey.

Infestus turned out to be not so dangerous after all.

The End


End file.
